Dear Dr. Archer,
I met a guy on a popular dating site. At first, for obvious reasons, he thought I was looking for sex. But I’m just an older woman who happens to be young at heart. He's also an older person and we began to talk, and enjoyed each other.
To make a long story short, in the eight months we have communicated, it was great and we contacted each other every day. We have never met in person, but we have spoken our love for each other. Phone sex came into play, and there was nothing or nowhere our fantasies couldn't take us.
Now he has met someone else and wants to be with her, although he has not met her in person yet, either. But he still stays in contact with me, and wants us to be friends. I hope to get him back as a boyfriend, but I have to wonder why, under the circumstances, he is holding on to me.
Yvette
Dear Yvette,
Sheesh! I cannot understand why you would want to remain in contact with this guy? First of all Yvette, you can't fall in love with someone you've never met even if you talk and have phone sex every day for eight months. Love comes with honesty, mutual respect and sacrificing.
The simple fact is that you really don’t know him, how he keeps his house, what he’s like in the morning, how he acts with his friends and family and co-workers. You don’t even no for sure if his pics are really him.
You can talk and feel excitement, cry and laugh with each other, but that does not love make. What you are feeling is a fantasy because this guy gave you excitement and something to look forward to; but it's not reality. I assure you there is a huge reason why you both are in "love”, yet have not met after eight months. That raises dozens of red flags.
The truth of the matter, Yvette, is this guy could be anybody -- he could be a teen having fun, he could be a married man, or even a woman; he could be a felon, an addict or a pervert. In other words, he could be nothing more than a made up persona.
But if you want to know for sure the answer is simple. Ultimatuum time: You either meet each other in person or it’s over for good. My guess is that he will not meet you (because he’s a big lie) and that will be your answer. In that case cut all ties.
You've asked me for my opinion, so there it is. If he won’t meet then block this guy from being able to contact you. Change your email if you have to, block his phone number and stop all communication.
If you meet someone else on this dating site, please do it right. Demand to be treated with respect; if you don't demand it, no one will give it and you'll be treated as an object.
You want to be taken seriously, Yvette, then honestly this was the wrong way to do it. I urge you to read the letter
"Can You Have An Online Connection Without Meeting Someone?" Even though I tell Tim to be careful, notice that he is going to visit his connection, just a few weeks after talking with her online and by phone.
From now on start slow. Try meeting men in person -- where you do business, where you work, church, the gym -- there are innumerable places to meet eligible men.
If you continue with the dating site, talk with potential dates, but do not share too much too quickly. Be choosy and make sure they're worth your time. AND most importantly if they are not willing to meet in a month or two then move on. Good luck.
Dr. Archer
