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Was Katherine's Internet Dream Guy For Real?
9/20/2011 10:00:14 PM
Dear Dr. Archer,
I have been dating a guy online for about six months. He's like a dream come true. We talked about meeting each other in the near future, and he told me he wanted to be with me forever. 

He did not pay much attention to another girl who asked him out. He cares about me and he tries to help me out in every way he can. He asks about my family, their health and other things. He thinks I'm beautiful.

Everything was going great, but then something happened. He suddenly stopped talking to me. Please, tell me what this is all about. I love him so much. Please help me.
Katherine

Dear Katherine,
You sound like a very nice, sweet girl. You want to know what this is all about, but the fact is, there is no way I could possibly know who you were talking to for the past six months…..and neither could you. After all you have never met.

The Internet allows people of all ages to get online and to either be themselves or create different identities. Some men pose as women, men, boys. Some 60 year old men pose as teenagers or guys in their 20's or 30's. It could have been a married man. Women pose as guys -- I just don't know, Katherine. He could have been legitimate and found someone else -- it could be anything.

Some meet others online just to start a relationship for kicks. Some do it to steal money. What I do know is that I stress DO NOT fall for someone online, because you simply don't know who you're dealing with. If you meet someone online, keep it simple until you can meet them in person. When you do meet, it should be in a public place during normal hours, NO EXCEPTIONS. 

No matter how great the messages, wonderful the emails and enticing the phone calls, you just don’t know a person until you meet. True, they may turn out to be everything you thought they were, but then again they may not.

If they're who they say they are, then a relationship can continue after a meeting, but I still urge caution. Not until you meet their family, friends and co-workers, etc…. do you really know.

Please listen to me, Katherine. This was not love; love is much, much more than just talking to someone you don't  know personally. Please read "Can You Have An Online Connection Without Meeting Someone?". Tim was a practicing attorney, and I gave him the same advice. 

I do not know what's going on, Katherine, but I want you to take this experience and learn from it. The Internet is a great tool for many things, but it comes with dangers, too. Do not dwell on this guy; have fun with your friends and learn a new hobby or two. I'm sure there are many great guys right there in your school or your city. 

If this guy pops up on your computer again, be very, very careful. Make sure you meet and check him out in every way. Please take care, and remember. Do not pine away for this guy! You're too good for that and you don’t even know who you’re pining away for. Good luck,
Dr. Archer
Posted by: Dr. Dale Archer | Submit comment | Tell a friend

Categories: Dating  |  Online Relationships

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6 Comments
marcia
9/21/2011 7:57:08 AM
At least I hope you have exchanged several photos, and have spoken on the phone and on skype with him frequently. I hope you have got his postal address, so you know where he lives. I hope that is the case, so that al least you have 'something' to start from, rather than just typed words. Otherwise I can't believe how your conversations resulted to 'I love you' declarations. Yes I agree that by writing you can get to know each other, especially if you are more of the writing type, than the talking type. I too prefer email rather than phone. Anyway women are said to be useless on the phone! The worst is if we try to leave a message to someone – could be a flustered disaster! But no email or phone is better than a real meeting. No matter who he was, the fact that he disappeared, rings a bell. My guess is he might have been a married man, looking for a way out, through his computer, and found it. Probably while his wife was away on a trip. As soon as she came back, he erased all your emails, and plans to not contact you again. If he comes back on line, start questioning him, but don't trust anything he says. It may be lies. In any case, if he stopped contact, consider it finished, just to be fair to yourself. I guess internet relationships like the one you had, might give a sense of freedom. No meetings, no commitment, no expectations, no break up pain. That may be why people resort in them. It's an easy company. But it can't be much more than that, and certainly it can't be what you expect. If your online guy was serious enough, he would have taken the trouble to meet you. So I can’t imagine anything good out of this. Except if he is now on a plane and on his way, intending to surprise you. If he does that, he will be one of a kind! But perhaps I am alone in dreaming such a scenario…!
Lola
9/21/2011 4:42:13 PM
Dr. Archer is completely right. I know you have a picture in your head what this guy looks like and is like, but the chances of him actually being that are practically nil. When you think of him, instead of using that picture in your head, instead picture a 60-year-old married man with a beer gut, because that's probably closer to the truth.
DDA
9/26/2011 1:45:39 AM
LOL, Lola! You're probably right. His wife may have been someone who emailed me about a problem with her husband.
Lola
9/26/2011 11:20:20 AM
I've often wondered about that reading some of the letters in your column! If not, they're frighteningly interchangeable!

To my comment above, I should have added, "picture a 60-year-old married man with a beer gut whose wife just found out he's watching online porn and writing young girls."
marcia
9/26/2011 5:41:43 PM
And if all three listen and take your advice, perfect! Her husband stops e-mailing girls. The girl stops waiting. And the wife has to chose either to forgive him, give him the ultimum, or leave him. Human relationships are a complicated muddle if just one goes astray..the balances are so fine, it probably takes an acrobat to balance on them.
marcia
10/2/2011 3:16:35 PM
And by the way, we need to be good acrobats in everything, also in everyday life in 2011, if you agree :-)
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