My boyfriend and I are in a serious relationship. Around the time we decided to formally commit to a monogamous relationship, a girl he met at a happy hour began flirting with him unabashedly on Facebook. When it became obvious to me she was not just a new, casual Facebook friend, I asked him to please put a stop to her flirtations by letting her know he was taken.
He insisted that was totally unnecessary. His feelings on the issue are that if there's not a chance he would ever cheat on me, then why should it matter that a girl is flirting with him? He gets his feelings hurt whenever I become jealous, because he feels it shows a lack of trust on my part.
This issue has come up again, as I find myself jealous more and more in situations with other women, knowing that his preference would be to be friendly and say nothing to discourage a woman's advances. I have no doubt that if a girl attempted to become physically intimate with him, he would stop her in her tracks. I don't fear him cheating, but I get jealous and find myself questioning the motives of the various women in his life.
Am I wrong to think that he should be putting the brakes on the flirtations of others? He insists he just wants to be nice, and if the flirtation would eventually run its course and go nowhere because he would remain loyal to me, then let them flirt. I think telling a woman you're not interested is helpful, as they won't continue to waste their time and energy pursuing a fruitless endeavor.
I feel like he and I have reached an impasse on this issue, and I feel like I will continue to find myself reacting with jealousy at the idea of other women if something doesn't change.
If you simply wrote me a letter saying you were jealous of your boyfriend for no reason, I'd tell you that you had self esteem issues, much like Brittany's boyfriend in Brittany's Boyfriend Wants Her Homeschooled. Unfounded jealousy is never good, and can ruin the best of relationships.
Your relationship, however, does not fall into that category. I'm afraid your boyfriend enjoys having women flirt with him because it feeds his ego. It makes him feel good, important and desirable. Unfortunately, Margaret, he should feel that way without women flirting with him.
Your boyfriend says your jealousy hurts his feelings because it shows a lack of trust on your part. Wrong! Once you asked him to stop flirting, which by the way is very disrespectful to you, he should have immediately informed the ladies he was in a loving relationship, and was not looking. That is the key -- it bothers you, yet he doesn’t care enough to stop.
And don't tell me he is above cheating. You can’t start a fire without a spark and this is playing with fire. If a woman throws herself at him, you may have no doubt he will be strong enough to ward off her advances, but I have no such confidence. He's a man, Margaret, not a saint.
I can promise you this. If the two of you do not settle this now, this issue will continue for as long as you are together. He has proven he does not respect your wishes, and you've got to think long and hard about that.
My advice: Give him one more chance, tell him it makes you feel that you are not enough for him and are not meeting his needs and that you feel he needs other women to boost his ego. Then let him know this is it, that you can’t take it anymore -- he either stops flirting or you're gone, and be fully prepared to follow through.
You definitely do not need this type of treatment from someone who claims to love you. If he agrees, watch what goes on and don't be anyone's fool. You deserve much, much more than that. Good luck!
