Dear Dr. Archer,
My husband was my best friend before we began dating. We've been married for three years now, and he will not let me out of his sight. Everywhere I go, he has to go. I am not allowed to spend time with my friends unless he goes, too, so now my friends aren't around anymore.
I love my husband, but I don't know what to do. He got upset with me for buying something he told me he didn't want, and then he went for two days without speaking to me. I'm so tired of doing what he wants, which is just sitting around the house.
He doesn't like my children, especially my oldest child, who is bipolar. He says I give him too much and that he doesn't do anything for himself, and I need to stop babying him. He is my child, and I will continue to help him when I can. My husband doesn't have any children, so he just doesn't get it.
I don't know what to do anymore. I am tired of fighting and getting the silent treatment. My friends that I still have say kick him out. He would never go to marriage counseling and he absolutely hates doctors. Please help me figure this out.
Confused
Dear Confused,
Your husband is insecure and possessive, and what he is doing is not healthy for you, him, your family or your marriage. I can't help but wonder if he was like this before the marriage?
Love is not possessiveness, but rather it's mutual respect, honest communication, understanding and trusting your mate. Giving you the silent treatment is destructive and oh so childish!
If you haven't done so, sit down with him when you can talk with no interruptions. Ask him why he's feeling insecure and let him know that you are trustworthy. Tell him that mature adults don’t pout and not communicate, it’s disastrous.
I believe he is resentful of your son because of the attention that is not focused on him. Let him know how you feel when he won't let you spend time with your friends, refuses to talk to you for days and makes you choose between him and your son.
Let him know in no uncertain terms that you are feeling strangulated, suffocated, resentful and protective of your son. This sounds more like a dictatorship instead of a marriage, Confused. His extreme possessiveness has to go.
If he will not stop this destructive behavior on his own, a counselor should be sought. If he refuses all of the above, then I agree with your friends. It's time for him to go. You will be much better off without him.
Dr. Archer
