Dear Dr. Archer,
I'm a psychological mess and I'm losing my self-respect day by day. I always thought I'd remain a virgin until I got married, but I dated a guy who wanted to have sex.
I told him I wasn't ready, but a few days later he came to meet me -- with condoms. I felt like if I said no, he'd feel like I didn't trust him and make him sad, so we had sex.
After a few weeks, I saw him changing. He was avoiding me and not talking to me properly. I asked him what was wrong, and he said he was missing his ex and wanted to go back to her and just be friends with me. Heartbroken, I cried nonstop. Blinded by it all, I couldn't see how he could do that after I gave him my virginity.
We broke up, and then, I met a guy online on facebook who was also my cousin's friend. He was in a different country and sounded like a nice guy. He asked me if I was in a relationship and I told him I was single.
After two weeks of talking online he proposed. I told him he didn't know anything about me, and he cried, saying he had never felt like this before. I didn't want him to cry, so I accepted his proposal. Then he asked if I had ever had sex before, and I told him everything. He was sad, hoping I was a virgin, but said he still loved me.
I was so happy a man loved me as I am! But he had to ask me about every detail of what happened -- when did he first kiss me? Where was his hand? What position -- every shameful detail.
After a few days I came to realize he also had a very bad temper. He would ask me these intimate questions, and when I'd answer I would hear him punch the wall. Once he even broke his leg by kicking the cupboard!
But when he wasn't angry he was a very sweet guy, someone every girl would dream about. Once he asked me to take off my clothes on the web cam, but I did not want to do that. He became very angry, so I did. That's when we started doing webcam sex every day.
After 15 months of our long distance relationship, we met for real. It was wonderful to see him in front of me! Once again I was the happiest person in the world. But then, he kept asking me the same things over and over, wanting details of my sex with my former boyfriend.
He now calls me a bitch and whore and any other bad name he can possibly think of, and all I can do is cry, because I know I'm the one who hurt him by not being a virgin. It’s all my fault.
I love him so much, but now he wants to break up every time he gets angry. What should I do? I need psychological advice! HELP!
Hopeless
Dear Hopeless,
No, No, No!!! The first thing you must do is get rid of this jerk! This is not love -- it's not even close -- and you did not hurt him in any way. He wants to break up? Great! Tell him goodbye and don't look back. You can consider it the best gift you've ever given yourself.
How dare him say these things to you. You should never, ever let anyone talk to you in such a disrespectful way, Hopeless. I'm afraid you're in love with the thought of being in love, and that's a dangerous path to follow.
You need to start loving and appreciating yourself first. You must start valuing who you are, and I want you to start now. This is not, I repeat NOT, your fault! If he can’t handle the fact you’re not a virgin that’s his problem, not yours.
Hopeless, if you want to get your life in order you must stop being so gullible. The way I see it, you're a target. You believe their lies, and you're easy prey. I'd like you to read my blog
"The Power Of Hope".
I want you to quit viewing yourself like a victim and start taking charge of your life. You can be happy just by being you, and not just because some guy shows an interest in you.
I want you to realize that your past -- sexual or otherwise -- is nobody's business except your own. If you want to discuss your past, that's fine -- if and only if that's what you want to do. Otherwise you don't need to explain anything to anyone.
You may have regrets, in fact we all do, but no one has the right to do what this guy is doing. It's cruel and I repeat, it's none of his business. The sooner you realize this the sooner you can move on and leave your past where it belongs.... in the past.
If you want to be able to have healthy, loving and long lasting relationships, then please work on your self esteem. I'd like for you to read
"I'm Not Good Enough For Her" and implement the suggestions. While you work on yourself, don't see other men and don't look for them online.
The next time you have a sexual experience, it needs to be because you want to share in that experience, not because you don't want someone to cry or be disappointed. Sex is much too important to treat it the way you are.
So, Hopeless, keep your head up, your shoulders back and be proud of who you are. Be the best person you can be and look towards your future. It's in your hands, so make the most of it. Good luck.
Dr. Archer
