Dear Leoidas,

Having a long distance relationship can be very difficult, I realize. That said, if there isn't trust between two people in a committed relationship, then what's the point? 

 

I trust you told her exactly how you feel about this guy, him being over to her place and even spending the night. If there's one thing that the two of you MUST have, it's masterful communication. There's not much room for error here, so I think you and your girlfriend need to set some ground rules to live by.

 

My first rule is to NEVER do anything with another person you would not do with your boyfriened/girlfriend standing right there. So in this case sleeping in the other room would be acceptable. 

However my second rule is never do anything that could cause a lack of trust by the other and of course in this case that’s exactly what this has done. Here are some pointers for a long distance relationship:

 

**Communicate every day: Whether it's by phone, email, text or Skype, stay in touch with each other every single day. This alone will keep the feelings there and reassure each other that you're both in this together, and that you both want the relationship to continue.

 

Talk about your day and ask about hers. Share your routine with her; it will help keep both of you connected. If you meet someone new, tell her. The more honest you are, the more honest she will be, and hence the greater the trust.

 

**Never, ever assume! Be clear what you're feeling or if something is bothering you. On the flip side, let her know when you are not pleased with something. Not many things can kill a relationship faster than assumptions. Let her know your fears and feelings. Let her know what you want and need and ask her to tell you the same things.

 

**You must trust one another. To not trust her will ultimately bring the death of the relationship; it's inevitable. You must trust her unless she gives you a reason not to. As it stands now, since she knows you are bothered so much by this guy being at her house and spending the night, it should never happen again. If it does -- after you told her how bad it made you feel -- then you have a problem. 

 

Long distance relationships are difficult, Leonidas, but they can work, ONLY if there is trust. You must discuss this with her now rather than later. She deserves the benefit of the doubt on this one, but you will need to discuss it a few times to get comfortable that she is telling the truth.

In cases like this I recommend 5 minutes a day to discuss this. You get to bring it up and ask anything about the event but only for 5 minutes. Then you both move on to other topics. After a while you will get comfortable and it will be a done deal.

 

Read two letters on long distance relationships, "My Love Lives Across The Country!" and "Do I Call Him Or Just Let Him Go?" Be true to yourself and this relationship as to what you can and can't do. Good luck!

Dr. Archer