Dear Dr. Archer,
I need someone else's opinion on my relationship. Okay, here it goes......
My boyfriend calls me stupid, dumb bitch, f***ing idiot, dumb ass, retard -- as well as many other things. He gets mad at me for every little thing he thinks I'm doing wrong. He always thinks I'm talking to another guy or cheating on him. One minute we're madly in love and the next minute he hates me.
He always threatens our relationship and says he's going to leave me, or it's over forever, or he wants me to leave him and be with someone else. Am I to blame here?
I spend all my time trying to make it work -- but am I really the problem? Really? I'm really trying so hard. I really, really am. Thank you for your opinion.
Jonalee
Dear Jonalee,
I am so glad you've written to me instead of putting more effort into this destructive relationship with this punk. No one deserves to be spoken to like that -- no one!
Let's get something straight, Jonalee. This is not love. Love does not hurt, and love does not insult. Love cherishes, is gentle and is filled with mutual respect. In no way does it belittle, intimidate or spew hurtful names.
Instead of looking at him as your boyfriend, please see him for what he is. He does not love you; he controls you, he insults you and then he blames you. Big, big difference.
This guy is abusive and a bully, and you're his target. The smaller he makes you feel, the better he feels about himself. At this rate, Jonalee, it's only a matter of time before this verbal abuse turns into physical abuse. When that happens you could very well wake up one day in intensive care.
You have only two choices here: Break up with him now, or…….. break up with him now! Whichever one you decide, do it NOW. But be warned! I can promise you one thing -- once you break up with him, he will come back to you with promises of how he's going to change, how sorry he is, how much he loves you.
It will be his way of manipulating you, but please, Jonalee, do not believe his lies. I've seen this over and over and over again – if you go back to him, the horrible behavior will flare again.
Get rid of this undesirable, abusive loser. He is baggage you don't need. Before entering into another relationship, take some time off for yourself and enjoy your family and friends. Get out and do things you enjoy.
Let this be a learning experience, so that the next time you enter into a relationship, you won't put up with anything like this, not even for a minute. There are wonderful, respectful guys out there that are much more deserving of your love and attention.
So, go right now. Tell him goodbye and DO NOT look back. Consider it the best Christmas gift you've ever given yourself. All the best.
Dr. Archer
