Dear Dr. Archer,
My husband and I have been married fourteen years, and during this time we have struggled to conceive. Well, I'm finally pregnant, 16 weeks at this time, to be exact and I just found out my husband has been sleeping with a friend of mine.
I don't know what to do, and I constantly think about it. I'm stressed; please help. Any psychological advice would be appreciated.
I am so sorry to hear that once your dream of expanding your family became a reality, you found your husband not only cheating, but with a so-called "friend”. No doubt this has hit you like a ton of bricks, but what happens next depends strictly on you and your husband.
You did not say if you considered your marriage happy, mediocre or stressed. You did not mention if your husband wanted a child as much as you, or if becoming pregnant had become the most important thing in the marriage. In other words, if becoming pregnant overshadowed how you two treated each other, interacted with each other and got along with each other.
You do not tell us if he has asked for forgiveness and wants to remain a family. If this is the case, it is possible that he truly loves you and the weight of becoming pregnant took a toll on him. It's possible he is very sorry and still loves you. I just don’t know.
Do not make any major decisions now just because he was unfaithful. Reflect on your marriage, what issues may have brought this on, and deal with them. It's normal that you are stressed, and you're most likely also shocked, hurt, depressed and angry, too. The main thing is to take care of yourself now, because you have a little life within you that you need to consider. Force yourself to eat healthy and get enough rest.
This does not necessarily mean the end of the marriage by any means, Janice. All too often marriages which have suffered infidelity have not only endured, but continued much better than before.
The key is held by both you and your husband, where you want to go from this point on, if your husband assures you that it will never happen again, and if you can forgive him. If you will let the past remain in the past, with your focus on the future, then you have a chance.
So, the first thing you must do is put thought into what you want and then have a serious talk with your husband about what he wants.
Whatever you two decide, take each day one day at a time. I wish you a healthy and safe pregnancy, and shower that child with all the love you have. Best of luck to you, Janice.