Dear Dr. Archer,
I am in love with two men. One lives in another country, (Love #1), and the other is my best friend, (Love #2).
Love #1 is jealous of Love #2 because I spend plenty of time with him. Love #2 had a girlfriend and still for some reason forcefully kissed me, although knowing I am with Love #1. When I ask #2 to stop, he said he couldn't control himself from kissing me. His kisses have become a part of me, as I feel more secure when I am around him. He loves me and does plenty for me, so I sometimes feel that #2, the guy I am presently with, is the man I want to live with for the rest of my life.
My principles say that I cannot have two boyfriends, and personally, I feel like a bitch. I hate myself and have no idea as to what I need to do. I can't go back to Love #1 because he doesn't trust me anymore, since I told him things about me and Love #2.
Love #1 has been spying on me by hacking my email password and also by monitoring my calls. I am now madly in love with #2, but I also feel that he is just infatuated with me. He tells that he loves me, but I feel this relationship would never go on. I want to stop loving him and I want to get myself back. I still love #1 and I don't want to do wrong by him, although he may not come back. Please tell me what I should do.
Navy
Dear Navy,
You are not alone. There are many people out there who also find themselves in your predicament. However, you said something profound that you need to do. You need to step back and take a break and get yourself back. You have been doting on two men, juggling them and not taking care of yourself. I recommend you take a break from dating anyone. Give yourself time to reflect, to be yourself. It might be hard, but it will be worth it just to give yourself some space.
Let's look at Love #1 for a moment. You say he doesn't trust you anymore, yet he is hacking into your email and monitoring your calls. That is his way of trying to control you, and you don't need that at all. Don't worry about him not coming back. You don't need someone who is trying to manipulate and control you. Even though he has the right not to trust you after your actions, that does not give him the right to hack your computer. I think that he would need to make major changes before this would work.
Love #2 was in a relationship yet forcefully kissed you. How committed was he to his girlfriend? If very, then history may repeat itself when he forcefully kisses some other woman. Was it simply a friendship or convenient relationship? You need to find out the answer to that question to find out #2's morals.
Once you have given yourself some space AND time then you should be able to see things more clearly. Don't worry about losing anyone, because that should be the least of your concerns. If Love #1 and #2 truly love you, they will respect your wishes and back off to let you concentrate on your priority, which is YOU. Take your time and good luck!
Dr. Archer
