Dear Dr. Archer,
My boyfriend and I have been together for four years. We work together, and about 20 months ago we moved in together. In the beginning he was leaving a marriage with children and seemed to be in love with me.
Since moving in, he spends so much time daily calling me names -- beyond vile things. He tells me I'm fat, never gives me a compliment or takes me on dates or spends time with me outside of doing home chores.
Here's something that is difficult to admit: he has never kissed me (except for one passionate kiss) in all the time we've been together. We don't have sex, either. He recently started grabbing my wrists, shoving me and telling me he hopes I die. I'm devastated. My mom passed away recently and suddenly he's all I seem to have.
When we first got together he was in a relationship with a coworker; since we got together I've been treated poorly at work due to this woman "not being over him." This has affected me at work, and I'm a director. She's part time help.
He has a sister who is recently single, and she has started coming around. He'll leave me at home to spend the day with her and have adventures with her and friends. When I see her she makes comments that he loved her more, and he's her ideal dream guy. I'm beyond confused- this is his sister and she speaks like he is a lover.
I'm an educated woman! Am I right to think this is weird, abusive behavior? He tells me I'm the head case, no one could love me if they knew me, and I need to change in order for him to stay with me. At this point I feel like I need to speak with someone. Should I bother pushing couples' counseling or do I walk away? Please help, I'm so alone and lost.
You don't need to change and this is the definition of weird, abusive behavior. You need to get this guy out of your life -- NOW! You've only been kissed once? He never takes you out and is constantly insulting you? Leaves you at home and parties with his sister? Doesn't sound like a loving, healthy relationship at all, but you already know this. In fact you haven’t listed one reason at all as to why you are staying around.
It may be a disturbing thought, but it's not out of the question that he could have had an incestuous relationship with his sister. But that is not the issue here. Why, why, why would you even consider staying with someone like this? You are wasting your time. Start packing now and move asap, or even better kick him out.
Read Avisha's Boyfriend Isn't Talking To Her and How Many Times Do I Forgive Him Before I Say Enough? and How Can I Help My Boyfriend? Sometimes when we're emotionally involved we cannot or will not see just how bad things are. That's where I come in. This is bad, ZJ, real bad and you shouldn’t even give this a chance to get better. Just leave already.
If you're an educated woman, then make the educated choice. Actually, ZJ, this is a no brainer. And I’ll repeat myself, do it TODAY, not tomorrow. Consider it the best gift you ever gave yourself. And from now on, make sure you're treated with decency and respect. You deserve nothing less. Good luck.
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