Okay, so I'm married -- 12 years now -- to a wonderful woman and I have three amazing children. I love my wife more than anything, and I truly love my little family. Recently, however, an issue has come up that I do not understand.
Long story short: I have completely fallen head over heels for a woman I indirectly work with. I honestly think I'm in love with her! I think about her every day, all day. On the days where I get to see her, she makes my heart flutter and I soak up every minute. I know she likes me as well. Maybe not to the degree I've fallen for her, but I have little doubt we'd have a phenomenal relationship.
That's the problem. I don't want to leave my wife. I love her dearly and can't imagine my life without her, and yet, I cannot get rid of these feelings for this other woman. While I know people balk at the idea of being able to love two people simultaneously, I'm in that position now and know it is very, very real.
This isn't about sex. Like most men, I've had my times of weakness and lusted after some hot women. But I don't think of -- we'll call her "Jane" -- in that way. I'm not thinking of sex with her, but I want to brush her hair off her face, kiss her forehead, hold her hand, dance in the rain, kiss her lips and just hold her while we watch a sunset.
I don't understand my feelings at all, and I never want to be a cheater, but I feel as though I want Jane in my life permanently. I haven't told her how I feel, but we have an obvious chemistry and mutual interest in each other. This is the strangest thing I've ever experienced because I sincerely love my wife.
We've never had marital problems, yet I've clearly fallen for Jane, want to spend time with her and have her in my life. What do I do? If my wife found out about my feelings, she'd be devastated and angered, even though I haven't acted on them. Yet I cannot turn my back on Jane.
Can you offer any advice or at least help me understand my mind and emotions and how this can happen? Thank you!
I'm glad you're writing before the fact and not after. If you allow yourself to continue this dangerous thinking, you will lose this wife, children and family you claim to love dearly. You must stop, think and proceed with great caution before you lose everything you hold dear.
You say your wife would be devastated and angered if she found out about this, even though you haven't acted on it. Stop for a moment and imagine how you would feel if your wife was in the company of a gentleman whom she felt a strong attraction and was contemplating the same thing. How would you feel? Don't think it's impossible; you've shown it's very possible.
It's time to man up, Doug, and decide what -- and who -- you want in your life, because obviously you can't have them both. You're either married and committed or divorced and single. Please don't think you can be married with a squeeze on the side and everyone will be happy. That's fantasy and you live in reality.
You love your wife and family, so protect them at all costs. Infidelity is a symptom of something else going on, or not going on, in the marriage. Put distance between you and this woman while drawing your wife in closer. Do fun things together with her. In fact, brush her hair off her face, kiss her forehead, hold her hand, dance in the rain, kiss her lips and just hold her while you both watch a sunset.
Spend time together with your wife and get reconnected. Control your thoughts and quit entertaining the ones with the other woman. Either quit seeing her, limit your time with her or if possible, have someone else deal with her. You have the opportunity to stop this before you cause a huge mistake and ruin many lives.
If you just can’t let the other women go, then it would be kinder to divorce rather than put your family through the emotional hell that will most surely come when she finds out about your other love.
Remember the words of Margaret Anderson: "In real love you want the other person's good. In romantic love you want the other person." Get your priorities straight and determine what is truly important. This really is all up to you. I suggest you choose very wisely and very carefully. Take care.
