Dear Dr. Archer,
This isn't a serious problem, but it is one I'd appreciate help with. There is a girl I fell in love with halfway through my sophomore year. We dated for a while; then she broke up, claiming she only liked me as a friend. It hurt, but life goes on and I eventually got over it.
Two weeks ago we started texting again. We talked, sent pictures and things like that. Yesterday she came over to my house and, to make a long story short, we ended up having sex. That would be all fine and good if she didn't have a boyfriend already and a month old baby. But, I enjoyed it, she left and life went on.
The next morning she told me her boyfriend proposed and she said yes. I felt bad already, but now I feel even worse because when we had sex I knew she had a boyfriend, and that's not the kind of guy I want to be. I'd like to give you a little back story.
I've always promised myself I would not have sex with a girl unless I truly cared about her. I really do care about this girl, but I'm also in no position to provide for her and the baby, especially when I'm not her boyfriend.
I don't know why, but I feel obligated to do so. The day went on and as I was talking to this girl she said she was hanging out with one of her ex-boyfriends.
She said she really cares about this one as well, and she was trying to resist doing anything with him. I started trying to help her not to do anything and it seemed to work. But an hour later she texted me a frown, so I asked her what was wrong and she said her heart hurt.
It turns out she has strong feelings for this ex, but I keep trying to remind her about her fiancé. I keep telling her she has to make a choice.
I still love this girl and want to do something to help her; I just don't know what it is. It hurts seeing her so sad, and I try to cheer her up. It hurts even more knowing she's never going to be mine and now I don't know what to do.
Should I keep trying to help her or should I just let her go? I have all these confusing emotions in my head that any suggestions on how to handle this would be greatly appreciated.
I usually end up bottling up my feelings but I feel like I need professional help right now. Thank you in advance for any psychological help you can give me.
David
Dear David,
This may not be a serious problem now, but it has the potential of becoming one. You need to let her go - NOW. You have decided to be a certain type of man, which is very commendable. However, this girl does not have the same principals as you - not even close.
She is not only a mother, but she's engaged, and she's already cheating with you AND another ex. She's a promiscuous mess and you are setting yourself up for heartbreak if you stay in contact with her.
You want to save her, to be a hero. You want true love and loyalty - good, go find it in another, she is not for you. She could be real trouble for you, David. You already know she's a liar by her actions.
Tell her she is a mother now, and needs to grow up and start acting like a parent. Tell her to stop calling and texting frown faces and to start acting like a mature adult. It may hurt her and she will most likely get angry, but she needs to hear it. Then break all contact and look for someone who shares your morals.
Start spending more time with friends and doing the things you enjoy. If need be, keep reminding yourself she is not the type of person you want in a steady relationship.
Face it -- you'd always be wondering what she was doing when she was not with you because you see what she's doing to her fiancé.
You got over her once, and I suggest you do it again.
Let her family and her fiancé take care of her. From this point on you need to take care of yourself, without all of this unnecessary drama. Good luck.
Dr. Archer
