Dear Dr. Archer,
I've been in a relationship for two months with a guy I've known for almost a year. He's close to my family and I'm close to his. Things have been serious between us, but he's bothered by my past sexual experiences. I'm 18, and I'm not a virgin.
I love him very much and he loves me, but he can't get over my past. First I was raped, and second I had a friend with benefits. This former friend, however, was a scumbag and it’s over between us.
He says he loves me so much, that no matter what, he won't let me go. He says I'm the perfect girl for him, but every time he remembers I'm not a virgin, he gets angry and says things like he will kill himself or that he's a bad person just because he cannot have a virgin.
I don't get it! If he loves me and is willing to marry me, why does he keep complaining that I'm not a virgin? I've told him already that I'm not, yet he continues to court me.
I never want and I don't plan on breaking up with him, but I would like to solve this problem of ours. I'm a suicidal woman with light depression, and if he's gone I know it may sound immature, but I would kill myself. Please help me, Dr. Archer.
Anna
Dear Anna,
First if you have depression and have thougths of suicide, then you must go to the nearest ER for help. Next, stop and read your own letter.
After only two months -- this guy says he wants to marry you? Even though he can’t accept you for who you are and accept the fact that you are not a virgin? RED FLAG!
Dating is a process in getting to know another, Anna, and after two months, it is way too early to think someone is your life partner. BUT, two months of being with this guy is plenty of time to realize he is NOT mature enough to make any sort of major decision.
How do I know? Because a mature responsible guy would understand, it is what it is. You are not a virgin and never will be. He would then decide if he can live with that. If so, he never brings it up again. If not, then he moves on.
That’s what a grown man would do. He doesn’t get that, hence he is no where near responsible enough to get married. Understand this now.
The fact that you are not a virgin is his problem, Anna, NOT yours. Frankly it’s none of his business! He is more focused on looking into the past -- YOUR past -- where nothing can be changed.
What does that accomplish? Absolutely nothing except to make you feel worse, which makes him feel powerful and in control.
This is no way to live and my advice is to give an ultimatum. He either stops bringing this up OR you dump him. I know you say you won’t leave him, but you need to understand what's going on.
If he cannot accept this about you, then how can he truly love you? Love is about accepting someone for who they are, the good, the bad and the ugly. Think about this.
Now I want to talk about you. You need to first understand who you are, then learn to like who you are and accept the past. THEN, you will be ready to date a guy who accepts you for you.
Oh, one more thought. You mentioned you were raped. Did you receive counseling afterwards? Rape is a violation of not only your body, but also your mind and spirit, Anna.
As a rape survivor, your self esteem can suffer terribly, triggering bad decisions and causing difficulties in your personal life. I strongly suggest counseling and coming to terms with what happened as it will help you immensely in the future. Good luck.
Dr. Archer
