Dear Dr. Archer,
I'm not sure what my story is anymore, as it is going on ten years. For all the numerous psychiatrists, psychologists, mental health workers and general practitioners I have seen, I haven't stayed around long enough to really benefit from them. When they get too close and learn things, I run away.
Since I was 16 I have self harmed, most of the time requiring hospital attention or admission. I have tried to kill myself twice. I have a place for everything and everything in it's place, and I know if something has been slightly moved. Whenever that happens, I go nuts because it's out of place.
Even though I get angry, I never show it to others; I leave it and end up taking it out on myself. I have been placed on so many different medications, but after a while it's like I become immune to them and they stop working. I don't hear voices, but I do see things that I know are not real. They used to scare me, but now I'm sort of used to them. I cannot control when they arrive or leave; that's up to them.
I have times when I cannot get out of bed and go to work, and I can't stop crying. I also have times when I could not be happier, and I laugh at stupid things that really aren't funny, and I seem to work at a hundred miles an hour. These times have put me in so much debt, because I cannot control it. I can't control anything -- not the amount I spend, not the amount of cleaning I have to do, not the amount of sleeplessness.
I have had to be rescued from myself more times than I can count, so I wouldn't do something bad to myself because I couldn't stop crying. This is all messing with my head, and I don't know what to do from here. Do you have any psychological advice for me?
You could be OCD, perhaps bipolar, or maybe psychotic. It's impossible for me to diagnose this over the Internet. But one thing is perfectly clear; you need professional help.
There is help out there for you, Krystle, but you have to help yourself first. I realize you're scared and don't want a doctor to get too close, but that's exactly what it's going to take to get you better. So, plain and simple, you need a psychiatrist, and you need one who is experienced in treating delusions.
No one can do this for you except YOU. So, get online now, and find psychiatrists in your area and book an appointment- now! Then commit to sticking with them until you start to feel better.
I cannot help you online, but you have the power to help yourself if you just commit to a doctor and stick with him. It may be work, but in the long run you will see that it will have been worth every effort. Good luck.