Dear Dr. Archer,
I've been in an emotional turmoil since I was a preteen. I've contemplated suicide as a teenager, slept with a knife under my pillow and at random moments would take it out and hold it against my wrist, thinking it would all be over if I sliced one good time. I could never bring myself to do it.
A couple of years later I took a handful of pills and cried myself to sleep. I woke up the next day perfectly fine, much to my dismay. I didn't attempt to take my life again but I did participate in harming myself for a short time.
That began after I woke up one night to find my cousin's hand down my pants. That was the second time a cousin had touched me inappropriately; unfortunately circumstances such as these are not uncommon in my family.
I've become a bit of a recluse. I don't leave my house unless it's absolutely necessary. When I do, I get nervous, and sometimes even paranoid. I'm a loner and have cut all friends from my life.
I just started talking to my cousin again after ignoring her for a year. My brother calls me cold hearted and unfeeling, but if anything, I feel too much.
I'm always irritated and I cry for no reason at random moments, and don't show emotions to others. I don't know how to open up and communicate, and none of my relationships last.
It's easier for me to have a purely sexual relationship than an emotional one, but as of late I haven't had any type of relationship. I've pretty much cut contact with the outside world. I don't like living this way though; I'm afraid, nervous, depressed and irritated, whereas I should be a happy carefree college student.
What's psychologically wrong with me?
Hazel
Dear Hazel,
My biggest concern is that you’ve had thoughts of suicide, thus my advice is that you need to find a psychiatrist for an evaluation asap. You describe anxiety, social anxiety and depression in your letter but, being homebound can also be caused by panic attacks. So you need a full assessment and make sure to tell your doctor about all of your symptoms.
There is a light at the end of this tunnel, Hazel, and it starts with getting professional help. If you’re afraid to to start with a psychiatrist then see a therapist first and follow their recommendations, but see a professional soon. All the best to you.
Dr. Archer
