Dear Dr. Archer,I'm a 24 year old Indian girl who married in July of 2010. My husband was very good to me before our marriage, but since then he behaves totally different. He doesn't talk or even look at me. Even though we sleep together, he never wants sex.
I asked him about this many times, and he says he never wanted this marriage -- he only did it because of his parents. I told this to both my parents and his, and that's when my real problems began.
He started to be aggressive to me, both physically and mentally. We had him checked by two psychiatrists who both said he needed to be on medication. However, my husband refused the medication so I asked for a divorce. We were divorced four months after we were married.
Even though I only had two weeks of relations with him, my problem is that this keeps haunting me. It's like I cannot recover from all those things he said and did to me. I tried going back to school, but I cannot concentrate to study.
Feelings of being lonely, always crying and not talking to anyone, feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness are getting to me. I even tried to commit suicide once. I really want to live, but I can't seem to stop thinking about death.
Doctor Archer, can you please help me? I can't live like this. I really need your advice, otherwise I'll die.
Tahzeeb
Dear Tahzeeb,
I'm so sorry you went through such a terrible ordeal. Divorce is difficult enough, but to find out your husband didn't want to marry in the first place is doubly traumatic.
First, let me say that any time you feel like you want to harm yourself, have someone bring you to the hospital immediately. This is no laughing matter, Tahzeeb. Although you survived your first attempt, a second attempt may have very different and tragic results.
I would also strongly urge you to see a psychiatrist. I strongly suspect you are depressed, or perhaps have some PTSD and may need meds to help you through this very difficult time.
Second, I want you to realize that this is no reflection on you. Not at all! He did not want to get married, period. He should have been man enough to tell you and his parents. It's done, though, so let's move forward. Looking back only brings more pain and regret, and it's not productive.
I understand your feelings, Tahzeeb. Of course this was a shock to you. You had so many hopes and dreams, and none of them came to be, even in the beginning. Then throw in the abuse and it’s tough, I understand. But, this is something you CAN handle. You just need to give yourself time to mourn.
Join a divorce or abuse support group if you have one in your area. This can offer help from individuals who know exactly what kind of pain you are going through. Trust me; it can help you cope just knowing you're not alone. Also discuss this with family, friends and your parents. Talking it over always helps. Talk, talk, talk until it becomes boring for you to discuss it.
Life does not offer any of us a pain-free existence. We all have our own problems and we each have to deal with those troubles and work through them. If you allow yourself to grow from this experience and become stronger because of it, you will eventually find your future bright once again.
Remember that bad things happen to good people each and every day. Learn to let it go. With patience, time, and the right attitude, you can still obtain the future you want for yourself. You had absolutely no control over the way your husband acted, but you do have control over yourself now.
Stand up and be strong, Tahzeeb. All is not lost -- just the opposite. Your future begins NOW. Please write back in a few months and let me know how you're doing. I care.
Dr. Archer
