Dear Dr. Archer,
Do you think I will find a soulmate? I'm starting to not believe in love. I think the divorce rate is higher than the marriage rate! I don't think anyone could put up with me just because I'm not willing to change for anyone.
Whenever someone likes me, I don't like them, and whenever I like someone they don't like me. I have given up on men. Not like it really matters to me; love doesn't exist in my life anyway.
I know I'm just hurting myself, but people give up so easily, at least I’ll never get hurt by a guy. I hate Valentine's Day, maybe because I've never had an actual boyfriend.
I believe in fate, and fate said no boyfriend for me. Oh well.
Do I believe you will find a soulmate? Maybe so, BUT only if you change your attitude AND stop looking for one. Love is a funny thing. At times it can come upon you so quickly it will make your head spin. Other times it can sneak up behind and whisper so softly that you will barely even notice. Often it's fleeting, and you don’t see it until it’s gone, then you may end up regretting what has come and gone.
You are so right, Kecia, when you say the divorce rate is high, it is much too high. If you've read some of the relationship letters on this site, you'll see that too many marry after meeting on the Internet, without enough face-time, or after knowing each other for only a couple of months.
Sometimes, because they think that their partner will change once they tie the knot or they will proceed even if they don't trust the other. Other times they marry when one wants to control the other or when there are lies and red flags everywhere. Still, they get married anyway, just for the sake of getting married. Of course it's doomed to failure.
You can read my post, "Single?"
. Our society places a heavy burden on couples, but I find the best time to grow as an individual is when you're single. Spending time alone, doing what you want, when you want, becoming the best you can be. These are the things that can help you blossom into a unique, desirable woman. As I wrote in that post, Kecia, never settle for less than what you deserve for a mate.
I urge you not to give up on men, rather take a break to focus on you. Learn who you are and what you want. Decide on your career, choose solid friends and spend time with family. One day the right guy will come along, but don’t force the issue. Let it come to you. I assure you, one day you will find love, but even more importantly, until that day comes, you will be happy with yourself in the meantime.
I do urge you to reconsider one thing, Kecia. You say you won't change for anyone, but I will tell you this, in any successful relationship, there's give and take. Honesty is desired; mutual respect is key; and the ability to compromise is a must.
We all change as we grow; if we didn't change and grow, we'd become stagnant. Growth is good; change is good. I always liked the quote from Jane Wells, who said "Learn the wisdom of compromise, for it is better to bend a little than to break."
For your part, be open, honest and don't slam the door on love, because then you'll be forcing fate to say, "no”. When you do fall in love, remember that no one -- not you, not me, not him -- no one, is perfect.
When you fall in love with the right person, you learn to love the cute little things he does, and you will love him as well, despite the little things that aren't so cute. As Jay Trachman said, "The formula for a happy marriage? It's the same as the one for living in California: when you find a fault, don't dwell on it."
One more homework assignment, read, "I Want More, But Not Too Much".
You have many wonderful qualities that some man will cherish, just don't be in a hurry, that's all I'm saying. In due time, you'll find each other. In due time. I wish you well.