Dear Dr. Archer,
I'm an 18 year old male who is losing a difficult battle with life post high school. I have been bullied for as long as I can remember, and it still haunts me. The name calling, the threats and the physical pain has healed, but my mentality is still broken. I have a mask I put on -- I smile and laugh, but behind that mask I feel like a psychopath.
I feel like I'm seeing things, like when I look at my dog. I love my dog to death, and pet and love on him, but then all of a sudden I see myself killing my beloved dog! It's so disturbing! I never act on it; I just see it.
I cannot stop watching porn. I've been watching it since I was 12, and it's gotten so bad I can't go to sleep without watching it. I am dependent on it to function. I quit trying to feel emotion; I no longer cry. I just feel numb to get away from the pain. I've gone to the school counselor but that didn't help.
I was raped when I was 13 by a friend of mine at the time. I wanted him to stop but it was like he had a power over me. I debated bringing a knife to school when the bullying got really bad, and thought of hanging myself in the garage at home so I wouldn't have to go back to school. I've had my entire class gang up on me to hurt me.
I have tried drinking to get rid of the memories, but that didn't help so I stopped. I'm sick of trying to talk to people because everyone has their own problems.
I have had math problems for a long time, and even got tutors to help, but I still have trouble even with simple math. I also have bad luck, whether it's breaking down or fighting with my parents.
I love working on cars and engines, but still have some trouble there. Sometimes I don't have enough strength to do a job or I get confused when trying to figure something out and I can't finish it.
I have pretty much failed math in post secondary school, meaning I won't get my certificate, which means I'll have a heck of a time finding a job in mechanics without my certificate.
I've let my parents down because of my laziness, and because I have a hard time asking for help, I've f**ked myself. I'm ready to go and I just want to die. I feel worthless now because of it.
I assume post secondary school is college and that you are at least 18 as per our terms and conditions. It is imperative that you seek help via your school counselor (go back and let them read this letter), or via your parents.
You must also tell the school about the bullying NOW. Go to the dean right now and file a complaint. Take action - don’t be passive. The more people you tell the greater chance things will change.
Killing yourself accomplishes nothing. You will overcome this! If you ever feel like you are going to harm yourself, Kattlin, go immediately to the nearest hospital ER. There you will receive help and you will be safe. After things are stabilized then you must find a therapist you can work with and start seeing them on a regular basis. There is a lot going on, so do not delay.
You can do all of this, but first things first. See a therapist and start to heal, then you will be able to make your future anything you wish it to be. Good luck.