Dear Dr. Archer,
I am becoming concerned about my five year old son. For the past month he has become a cry baby, throws temper tantrums whenever he gets frustrated and is starting to show bad behavior in kindergarten, such as disobeying his teacher's instructions. Previously, he had been a great student who did well in school.
I believe his attitude and tantrums got worse when his older brother, who is 13, became a bully, hogging all the toys and games that mommy clearly stated they were for everyone to share. I have tried to be the best dad possible, but I am concerned that the 13 year old is a bad influence on the 5 year old. The 13 year old has no sense of time and space. He needs to be constantly reminded to do things such as go to bed, take a bath, brush his teeth. He's very good at playing video and computer games, monopolizing food, and sleeping. In fact, his primary concerns are play, eat and sleep. Your suggestion is greatly appreciated.
Mike
Dear Mike,
Sometimes as parents it feels like we have no alternative but to yell and lose all emotional control. Of course, we must do better than that to maintain calm and composure in the face of frustration. Let's discuss your teenager, first.
Most teenagers enjoy three things: Playing, eating and sleeping. What your son needs is some structure in his life. It's time for a family conversation to discuss what the problems are in the home. I would start by developing a list of tasks he needs to complete each day. As he completes each task, have him check them off. I know this sounds elementary, but if it is in writing, then he knows what he is and is not doing. To help him along with this process, establish a reward system. Make the reward something he values when he performs the task. If he does not complete his responsibilities, take something that is important away from him, such as cutting back some of his time playing video or computer games. Be sure you inform him of this during the family discussion, so he knows the rules.
Keeping to the schedule may take time, because it is a new routine, so keep calm as you make him stick to the to do list. Make him aware that until he becomes more responsible, there will be strict limitations on how much television and game times he gets during a week. The rest will be up to him.
Now let's talk about your younger son. Even though temper tantrums are usually displayed in children 1-4 years old, kindergartners can have them if faced with demanding academic tasks and new interpersonal situations in school. Talk to his teacher if you have not done so already, and find out if something is going on there.
A child may be more likely to have temper tantrums if one or both parents react too strongly to poor behavior. If there is plenty of arguing because of the older son's behavior, then this may have something to do with it.
Remember, you must remain calm when dealing with the children. This is not only beneficial for both of your sons, but it's better for the whole family. Notice what brings on a tantrum. With this knowledge you can react before his emotions get out of hand.
Be sure you spend quality time with your son. If the older boy is getting more attention, even negative attention, the younger son could resent it. It could be that he wants attention, too. Even if it's negative attention. Give him the time he needs and deserves.
Make it a point to not ask either of your sons if they want to do something, especially if it's something that they need to do. Rather than saying something like, "Are you ready to eat now?", rephrase that to a comment like,
"It's time to eat." Remember that you are the parent, and you have the authority. Also, Michael, I believe it is important to set a timer for each child to play their video games. When the timer goes off, then the other child
knows it is their time, no questions asked. This will eliminate fighting and resentment on the younger son's side, because he is no match for his 13 year old brother.
There are keys to a happy home that I would like to share with you. Put it where you and your wife can see it every morning and every evening.
1. Enjoy each other. This can all be in how you treat each other. When you get home, be happy to see your family.
2. Swap stories. Ask your children what went on in school.
3. Put the marriage first. It is unhealthy to put the children first, and honestly, it's not fair to the children. One day they will be gone on their own.
4. Eat dinner together. Easy, yet not many families do it. Make dinner family time.
5. Play together.
6. Put family before friends.
7. Limit children's after-school activities. It's all in moderation.
8. Establish a ritual. Donuts on Sunday morning, or pizza on Friday night. Something that everyone looks forward to.
9. Keep your voice down. This one can be difficult, Michael. Children thrive on stability, and there should be a calm environment at home. Talk to your sons, give them rules, and punish when necessary. But do not lose
control and yell. If you yell at the boys, it shows them that you are out of control and you create a non peaceful environment which is destructive.
10. Do not argue with your spouse in front of the children. Discuss, yes. Argue, no.
11. Don't work too much. That makes family life very boring. They may think they are not important enough.
12. Encourage sibling harmony. Stress how lucky they are to have each other.
13. Have inside jokes just for your family. A nickname or joke or story just for your family that only the four of you will get.
14. Be flexible. Easy to say, yes, but it can be done. Life changes, circumstances change. Flexibility is the key.
15. Communicate, communicate, communicate. Usually, the children tell the mom and then dad hears it from mom. In a happy family, all the members of family unit are able to communicate openly to each other. Make sure your sons know that they can tell you anything, and you will be there for them.
I wish you much luck, Michael. Parenting is truly the hardest job in the world. And it's also the most rewarding. I wish you and your family all the best.
Dr. Archer
