Dear Dr. Archer,
I was born in 1940, and when I was 5 years old I saw a sailor and wanted him. I didn't know anything about being gay at that time. When I was in the boy scouts I made friends with a boy, and he liked having his hands in my pants. When we were in the water, he would play with my penis and I liked it.
As I got older, I had this friend. One day I told him he had a nice body and was staring at his crotch. He got the message and we started having sex. I would give him oral sex and he loved it. Every time he wanted sex I'd give it to him. As time went by, I would go to rest areas and give guys what they wanted. That's when I realized I was gay.
I've had hundreds of boys and men. Then, when I was 32 I met this girl and fell in love with her. We married and had a son. I stayed faithful to my wife for two years, but the craving for men was too much. I began having sex with men and boys. I'm 72 and still desire guys.
What's the matter with me? Is this a psychological problem? I don't think it's normal, but what can I do?
Richard
Dear Richard,
A little background info: Evolutionarily speaking men and women have different strategies when it comes to sex. Women want quality, while men want quantity. Men say yes to sex much more often than women, and are more likely to have sex with someone they just met. This behavior, by the way, holds true whether it's a heterosexual or homosexual relationship.
Let’s analyze your situation: First, I’m not surprised that you had a sexual attraction at 5, many folks realize their sexuality whether straight or gay even younger than that. Next, I'm assuming you are no longer married and thus not betraying a partner, so you're not hurting anyone. Finally having multiple sex partners, even hundreds is not in and of itself evil or indicative of a sexual addiction.
The big question is why all of a sudden are you wondering, "what’s the matter with me”, after 72 years? And you are clearly wondering enough that you wrote to me, which indicates you cannot be happy with your current lifestyle.
Most of us, as we age come to accept who we are and script our life around our traits. I suspect perhaps for the first time in your life you are looking for true love and that you are ready to settle down; this time for good. I think at some point we all have a fear of being old and alone and we want someone to bond with and to provide mutual care to.
My advice: You should strongly consider looking for a partner to settle down with. Someone who could take care of you and vice versa. Take a good, long and hard look at your life and decide if this is what you want. If so, to do this you’ll have to make a decision that, enough is enough, and stop the one night hook ups.
Then make a concerted effort to start dating long term relationship appropriate people, men or women, your choice. Like anything in life, you have to decide what you want, then put in the time and effort to make it happen. Not only that, to get what you really want in life often involves giving up those things that get in the way.
There are several websites for older folks to meet potential mates. Just to name a couple,
SilverSingles if you'd like to meet a woman, while
Gay Mature Dating puts you in touch with older men within your area.
If you like to travel, ask your favorite travel agency for tours and/or cruises that cater to the older single senior. Want to remain home? Your local library, art gallery, cooking class, decorating classes, church or symphony can bring you face to face with eligible singles with substance.
I don’t know if you have a sexual addiction, but I think these will give you a new perspective to determine if you need to make some changes in your life. Good luck Richard!
Dr. Archer
