Dear Dr. Archer,
I'm an 18 year old female, and I've been in a happy relationship for three years. I have a problem with pornography. I feel like I have to watch porn every day, and once I've watched it I feel guilty and unfaithful.
When my partner watches porn, I get very upset and shout at him, and say it was dirty. So why do I do it? I have tried everything from getting rid of my laptop to having his picture next to my laptop, to removing the Internet from my house!
I just don't know what to do. Please help me. I feel like my relationship will deteriorate if I do not stop watching porn.
Natalie
Dear Natalie,
You get angry at your boyfriend for doing what you do because you hate yourself for doing it and displace that anger toward him. This is the psychological defense mechanism called displacement. Be aware from now on, that you should get mad at yourself first. Once you take care of you, then you can focus on him.
While most complaints about pornography come from women, there are some who watch and enjoy porn. You can check out The Top 10 Reasons Women Watch Porn, and see how many of the reasons pertain to you. Anything in moderation is fine, but anything can be abused, and porn is no different.
Watching porn can be hypnotic, and hours can easily pass. What you once condemned can become fascinating; and what is fascinating can become a curse as it spirals out of control.
You know you have a problem with porn, or anything else for that matter, if it prevents you from living the life you want and you can no longer control your actions. If it affects your personal life, social life, work and even sleep, then something has to be done.
Just like other addictions, watching too much porn usually results in a tolerance and this means you need to watch more and more to get the same "buzz". Left unchecked, it can steal time away from your actual life, from work and from those you love. And just like a binge, you feel terrible afterwards.
It sounds like you are clearly addicted, Natalie and you may need professional help, but first I want you to incorporate some activities into your life and see if it helps. And remember, this is something you must do on your own. No one is going to walk you through this; you and you alone are in charge of your own actions.
**Feel your guilt before you view the porn. When you're thinking about curling up with your computer or DVD, anticipating what you're about to see, I want you to step away, literally. Go into another room and sit down. Now concentrate, Natalie. Focus on how you feel after you watch porn. Imagine that guilt you feel, as well as how dirty it makes you feel.
**Challenge yourself! You know smokers quit, drinkers quit and drug abusers quit. YOU CAN, TOO! Just like an alcoholic can fall off the wagon, that doesn't mean she doesn't get back on and learn from her mistake and continue to abstain. The same goes for you, Natalie.
**Be aware of when you watch porn. Is it when you simply have some free time? Is it when you're stressed? Bored? Make sure you start planning other activities in advance for these time periods. Go for a walk , meet up with a friend, go out and have a meal or do something nice for someone else. The less time you have available, the easier it will become to ease yourself away.
**Make the decision to find a new time consuming hobby. Remember, YOU are in charge of your actions. You can spend time with a hobby and have fun or you can watch porn and feel guilty later. You can prepare a meal and share some special moments with your guy or some girlfriend and truly enjoy each other's company, or you can watch porn and feel guilty later.
I always tell people to eat healthily, because what we put in our bodies determines the health of our bodies. The same goes for what we feed our mind. If you find you still cannot overcome pornography, I suggest you check out Sex Addicts Anonymous or seek a therapist. Good luck. Dr. Archer
