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My Husband Smokes Marijuana Every Day...
11/28/2009 12:17:19 AM
Dear Dr. Archer,
I am writing to inquire about my husband. He is productive and successful in his career, witty and charming. His behavior is exaggerated and erratic when he is with other people. Everyone loves him.

Unfortunately, I get to see a side of him that no one else sees. He self medicates his ADD/ ADHD with hourly use of marijuana on a daily basis. He does not believe that this is an addiction because he is functional. He has episodes of highs and lows. One minute he is sweetly talking to me and the next minute he is calling me mean horrible names and telling me that I disgust him.

He never seems to have any remorse about the horrible things he says to me, nor does he apologize. Instead, in order to maintain peace, we simply move on and just pretend that nothing has happened. Often, he makes a gesture at peace such as washing the dishes, taking me out to dinner, or buying me flowers. When confronted about his mean comments, he skews the conversation to include a list of my faults. He convinces himself that all of our problems stem from me. He is so irritable that often he is in attack mode for little or no reason. He hates displays of wealth, yet wants to buy a Range Rover. He hates my family and their wealth. He says that no one would ever want someone like me, and then later says he doesn't deserve me.

We have tried therapy several times but he seems to be unable or unwilling to see himself as a source of the problem. He does not believe he has done anything wrong and believes I am the problem. I am frustrated, not knowing whether the pot smoking is the problem or if he is Bi-polar. How do I get him to seek help and stop the hurtful outbursts? How do I motivate him to change in order for our relationship to move forward? Please help me. I do not know where else to turn.
Lauren

Hi Lauren,
The Psychiatric Diagnostic Manual specifically states you cannot make the diagnosis for a major psychiatric condition in the presence of drug intoxication, abuse or dependence. Quite simply, drugs affect brain chemistry and can mimic a wide variety of disorders, and this includes marijuana. 

In fact, marijuana is the most commonly abused illicit drug in the United States. The main active chemical in marijuana is delta-9-tetrahydrocannabinol, also called THC for short. When smoked, THC rapidly passes from the lungs into the bloodstream where it is carried to the brain and other organs.

Once THC reaches the brain, problems include distorted perceptions, impaired coordination, difficulty in thinking and problem solving, learning and memory. Research shows the adverse impact on learning and memory can last for days or weeks after the drug is smoked. 

As a result, someone who smokes marijuana every day is probably functioning at a suboptimal intellectual level all of the time. Research also proves long-term marijuana abuse causes changes in the brain similar to abuse of other drugs. This drug can cause problems in your husband's daily life or make his existing problems worse.

With this in mind, I have no idea if your husband is suffering from bipolar disorder. However, what I do know is that he has a substance abuse problem.
There are certainly doctors and scientists that believe marijuana is no more harmful than alcohol. That has some truth to it, but smoking pot every hour is an addiction, plain and simple. Your husband certainly would not argue that a person who drinks alcohol every hour is an alcoholic.

Drug addiction is a personal hell, not only to your husband but to you, too. You are trapped in the endless cycle of abuse and remorse. If your husband will not seek recovery, your only option may be to leave. 

So Lauren, you have a decision to make. I think the drug is definitely causing all or part of your spouse's mood swings. You must decide what it is you need to do long term, but first you must talk with your husband and make him understand you do not want to live like this anymore. Are you ready to give an ultimatum? I rarely advise this but if he will not change you may have no choice. Good luck. To read more click here
Dr. Archer
Posted by: Dr. Dale Archer | Submit comment | Tell a friend

Categories: Drugs

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170 Comments
Zendora
1/14/2010 12:47:39 PM
This is a couple months old now, but I had to leave a comment.

I have to agree with every word Dr. Archer has said. And I say this with confidence because I was in this exact situation...except, I was on your husband's end.

I hid a mean pot habit successfully from my husband for the better part of 2 years, 3 years after marrying him and remaining completely sober (not even alcohol) the entire time. I have a history of PTSD and BPD. Pot was (is?) the only thing that I have easy access to that I may use to instantly relieve myself of anxiety...unfortunately, developing a habit only causes more anxiety and -whoopadaisy- you're in a pretty complicated cycle of hell. Pot becomes the problem (though we swear it isn't) and the solution. My husband was suspicious for months before he found out. He left immediately, not tolerant of these things *at all*. I knew that intellectually. But why did I keep smoking it? I certainly didn't want him to leave me.

Well, its because I'm addicted. And only when he was gone did I realize that I myself was in denial. No one can help me 'cept me. And all those behaviors you mentioned? Huh, they sound *very* familiar! ;-) If pot is causing a major disfunction in your relationship (I have seen responsible smokers, but addicts in general...well, they can't be), it is not fair to yourself to tolerate it. There's little you can do until he himself decides to stop. But don't think for a second that he's choosing pot over you, that isn't so - it's got a hold on him, and he must help himself.
DDA
1/29/2010 1:13:11 PM
The testimony of someone who has been there, done that is always most effective, Zendora. It takes someone who has walked in those shoes to fully comprehend how substances can take hold of an individual to the point where they can lose their family, friends, job and more. Thank you for sharing your story with us.
Joan Baumeister
1/29/2010 1:34:20 PM
In my opinion her husband has an addiction to pot and an abusive personality.
DDA
2/1/2010 4:01:02 PM
You are correct, Joan. Lauren's husband does, indeed, have an addiction to marijuana. She does not indicate if he has struck her before, but it is not necessary for someone to hit another to be abusive. The scars and wounds that verbal abuse leaves on an individual can be just as, if not more, devastating and painful on the victim as physical wounds. Thank you for sharing your comment.
Leakaye
2/7/2010 2:57:42 PM
I am also in this situation. Those amazing characteristics Lauren describes about her husbands are very similar to mine. My husband is such a likable guy. He's so funny, kind to others and great with our kids - when he's in front of other people. Once he's home he can either be that person or another very disturbing individual. When he smokes, which is around 3-7 times a week depending on if he can get hold of some, he's rude, obnoxious, annoying - like a little brother. He doesn't listen to anything, he just sits around and surfs the net, fantasising about what life will be like when he's rich. His friends all smoke too, his closest friends from University. They all live about an hours drive from our house but he take his moped up there every week, if not twice a week to sit around and get high. He'll even meet his friends half way and hang out in parks like teenagers. He's 28, we have 2 beautiful young children and we've been married for 2 years.
So many people say he's fine because he's holding a job and supporting our family. They don't see him get angry when he can't 'pick up' or deal with his night sweats, annoying attitude and consistent ignorance of his addiction.
I'm at breaking point because I don't see how he can ever make me happy. He's too busy trying to make himself happy. He won't quite, always promises he will but never does. He won't quit because his friends won't - and he won't lose his friends, they are like his brothers.
I've tried talking to him, I've even had the police around to give him a wake up call. He quits for a few weeks then starts again.
I even caught him smoking before work in the garage! I can't imagine going to work high, how does he function?

I'm so scared because the man I thought I loved isn't here anymore. I don't want to battle with this all my life and know I could find someone else who would put me and my kids first. But the thought of a divorce and breaking my kids away from their father kills me. It makes me just want to stick it out for the next 18 years until the kids have grown, then find someone new. But 18 years is a long time.

I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should put my happiness before my kids. Is that fair?
Very confused,
Lea
DDA
2/8/2010 10:27:14 PM
As I told Lauren, drug addiction is a personal hell, but it is not limited just to your husband; rather it affects you and your family as well. Your husband needs to seek help for his recovery. If he does not, Lea, you need to leave. It is not fair to you, and it is definitely not fair to your children to live like this for the next eighteen years. You need to talk to him, and talk to him soon. He must decide which is more important to him: marijuana and his friends or his family. His answer determines how you proceed from there. This is another fine example where an ultimatum is advised. Thank you for writing, and I wish you all the best.
Peg
2/23/2010 7:51:09 AM
my husband drinks and smokes pot daily he said it helps him sleep. I hate it hate the smell and site of him. He is mean his stomach is so big he looks like he is ready to give birth, he eats everything in the house.I wish I had money to divorce his ass I do not desire this either does my nine year old.
DDA
2/25/2010 1:15:32 AM
This is yet another example, Peg, where I advise an ultimatum. I don't like ultimatums, but sometimes the situation is so bad that that is the only choice that is left. It is time that he needs to decide which is more important: drinking and marijuana or his family. You wish you could afford to divorce him. I suggest that if he does not help himself and stop this addiction, you can't afford not to divorce him. This is no life for you, and that is doubly true for your son. This is no environment for him to grow up in. If your husband refuses to help himself, then raising your son becomes your number one responsibility.
Shelby
5/12/2010 12:07:09 AM
Dear DDA,
I have been waiting to hear that I'm not the only woman that is going through this type of life with her husband. I have been married for 7 years and my husband has smoked marjiuana since the day we met. I was only 19, so at the time, even though I thought it was gross and stupid it wasn't that big of a deal, because we were still young and without children. Ten years and 3 kids later, he still smokes. I just don't underdstand. He has a college degree, a well paying job, and he's great with the kids, and is a christian man (so he claims) so I just don't understand. He doesn't realize that it affects his mood and his behaviors. He thunks Im being overly dramatic. Its takes over his life so much that he's changed his hours at work so he can get home before me and kids, so he can smoke before we get there. We've done the whole counseling thing. Regarding other issues as well like him not being involved or being very selfish, but I'm marijuana has a lot to do with that. I'm just not sure what to do. My kids think the world of him. I'm a christian woman with christian values, so leaving is kind of the last resort. Right as I'm sitting here writing this, he's gone again this week for the 3rd night. At his friends playing videos games and smoking. Of course he'll come home high in couple of hours, knowing I'm upset offering to give me a massage or something, so ill once again blow off his behavior.

P.S. I have even learned to manipulate this situation by waiting for him to get high to ask for money or something I need because I know he'll say yes.
CT
5/30/2010 4:09:41 PM
It's good to know I'm not alone. I've been married to a pot smoker (and alcohol abuser) for seven years. Because he knows how much it bothers me when he smokes, he will go for months without smoking...but then he'll get a 4 - 8 week supply and my life will be turned upside down while he smokes as often as possible (all day and even getting up at night to smoke) and then suffers from withdrawals for weeks. I knew he was a pot smoker when I met him, but I thought I could change him (of course). I knew nothing about addictive behavior and was very naive. He holds down a good job and can be a very sweet person, but he is very moody and has to have something to alter his state of mind everyday. When he's not smoking pot, he drinks about 6 - 8 drinks a night. I am seeing a therapist about all of this and am trying to get the strength to decide whether I should leave. I'm 41 and I just can't see the rest of my life being spent with an addict. I've told him before that I would leave him if he couldn't get his addictions under control. He tries to cut back on drinking and smoking, but it doesn't last. I see this marriage coming to an end, sadly, I just don't know when I'll have the strength to do it.
DDA
6/5/2010 12:43:05 AM
Don't judge yourself too harshly, CT. You indicate you were naive, and you're not the first person to marry thinking you can change your spouse, and you definitely won't be the last. What you need to do is think long and hard if this is the way you want to live the rest of your life. Life can be long and full of regrets, or it can be a joy to face each day, knowing that the day is what you make of it. It will always be full of challenges; it's just a matter of what challenges you will face. So sit down and put some long thought into what kind of life you want going forward.

Change can be daunting, but it is doable. Sometimes we don't know our own strength until we need it, and then we're surprised at just how strong we are. I wish you all the best, and hope you make the right decision for you, whatever that may be.
RS
6/6/2010 5:10:15 PM
Just like there's AA or NA, I'm glad to see support forums for wives of marijuana users. I'm two months shy of marrying one (I think). I just don't know if I can go through with this wedding reading everyone's comments and knowing how much I can't stand him doing it. When we were just dating, I thought he only did it occasionally and he promised me he'd stop once we were married. Now that it's closer to the wedding and we've started living together, I see it's an almost daily occurance and he has no intentions to stop. Worse than the fact that he's doing drugs is the fact he'd rather see me end this relationship than to give up weed. I love him dearly, but I love myself more and I'm just not happy with his actions. Some may say weed is not a big deal, but if that's the case, why can't he function and be happy without it.
RB
6/7/2010 2:12:29 AM
I too am very grateful to have found this forum. I could have written the first post from Lauren word for word. I have been married for nearly 10 yrs. Before we were married, my husband hid his addiction from me. I knew he smoked on occasion - as do many. But I had no idea of the extent of his addiction. Once we had children- 7 yrs ago, I believed he would stop. I naively thought that being a father would cause him to grow up and be a responsible. It never did. He smokes daily and when I get angry and we have a blow up about it, he will tell me that he'll quit and I'm right etc. And he may stop for 2-3 weeks, then it's right back up again. He's admitted to me that if he has pot around, he can't help himself. He's promised to quit more times than I can count, but he never seeks help. He's lost jobs over it. He can be very verbally abusive to our children, but then in the next minute he's the loving, playful, fun father. It's like I'm on a constant roller coaster of ups and downs and I just really want off. He constantly tries to put the blame on me saying, "why can't you just love me for who I am." Tonight we had another blow up over it and he said those words again. And for the first time I said NO. "I will not take responsibility for your addiction. Do not blame me for your addiction." I told him that he had to choose his pot or his wife and children. He didn't like it at all. I tried my best to keep calm. I don't know if I laid the gauntlet down heavy enough, but I did tell him that if he chooses pot that I will then have to make a decision if I will stay or not. I honestly don't know what he'll decide. The thought of leaving the known (marriage to an addict) to a life that is unknown and dividing everything up in half seems so daunting and almost unfathomable. But I do not want to be here in this same place 1 year from now.

This forum has given me strength.
AL
6/9/2010 3:37:05 AM
I attend Al-Anon meetings to try to help me find a sane way of dealing with my husband's insane thinking. He knows he has a problem, has attended Narcotics Anonymous and has not been able to quit. Unfortunetely, the anger I've built up from all the lies, abuse, and failures has really prohibited me from having compassion. We are living seperately now, and his using has exploded. Since his father gives him a place to live and his mother gives him money, I feel regrettablly pessimistic about his ever finding enough momentum to say enough is enough, and get sober. I worry all the time about my 18 month daughter with him, He often tells me what an unfit mother I am and I'm terrified to try and suggest I take full custody until he gets sober. His father is addicted, and his mother is sure marijuana is not a big deal, though she knows his depression and parinoia and anxiety have kept him from functioning; she defends him. I'm scared of her bringing lawyers into this, and me losing my daughter. I just want my husband to be happy, healthy, and clean. It is soooo hard to accept there is absolutely nothing I can do to make that happen and get my husband back. The truth is: I dont know how to move on, and let go of the person I loved so much... when, truthfully, I barely see glimpses of the person I loved anymore. Now my husband is more often moody, irrational, selfish, blaming, needy, depressed and hopeless...this is his addict side....I hate it, and I love him--Where did he go?
DDA
6/9/2010 10:42:15 PM
I am very happy to hear that you're reading and considering what you're reading, RS. If you don't like it now, you'll like it even less one, three, five or more years down the road, and that's if your marriage lasts that long. What kind of influence would this man be on his children? The fact that you stated that he'd rather see you end the relationship rather than give up weed tells you all you need to know.
RB
6/16/2010 10:30:48 PM
I too am very grateful to have found this forum. I could have written the first post from Lauren word for word. I have been married for nearly 10 years. Before we were married, my husband hid his addiction from me. I knew he smoked on occasion - as do many. But I had no idea of the extent of his addiction. Once we had children- 7 yrs ago, I believed he would stop. I naively thought that being a father would cause him to grow up and be a responsible. It never did. He smokes daily and when I get angry and we have a blow up about it, he will tell me that he'll quit and I'm right etc. And he may stop for 2-3 weeks, then it's right back up again. He's admitted to me that if he has pot around, he can't help himself. He's promised to quit more times than I can count, but he never seeks help. He's lost jobs over it. He can be very verbally abusive to our children, but then in the next minute he's the loving, playful, fun father. It's like I'm on a constant roller coaster of ups and downs and I just really want off. He constantly tries to put the blame on me saying, "why can't you just love me for who I am." Tonight we had another blow up over it and he said those words again. And for the first time I said NO. "I will not take responsibility for your
addiction. Do not blame me for your addiction." I told him that he had to choose his pot or his wife and children. He didn't like it at all. I tried my best to keep calm. I don't know if I laid the gauntlet down heavy enough, but I did tell him that if he chooses pot that I will then have to make a decision if I will stay or not. I honestly don't know what he'll decide. The thought of leaving the known (marriage to an addict) to a life that is unknown and dividing everything up in half seems so daunting and almost unfathomable. But I do not want to be here in this same place 1 year from now.
DDA
6/16/2010 10:32:05 PM
You are a smart, strong woman, RB, and you did the right thing. Thank you so much for sharing with us.
AL
6/16/2010 10:37:31 PM
I attend Al-Anon meetings to try to help me find a sane way of dealing with my husband's insane thinking. He knows he has a problem, has attended Narcotics Anonymous and has not been able to quit. Unfortunetely, the anger I've built up from all the lies, abuse, and failures has really prohibited me from having compassion. We are living seperately now, and his using has exploded. Since his father gives him a place to live and his mother gives him money, I feel regrettablly pessimistic about his ever finding enough momentum to say enough is enough, and get sober. I worry all the time about my 18 month daughter with him, He often tells me what an unfit mother I am and I'm terrified to try and suggest I take full custody until he gets sober. His father is addicted, and his mother is sure marijuana is not a big
deal, though she knows his depression and parinoia and anxiety have kept him from functioning; she defends him. I'm scared of her bringing lawyers into this, and me losing my daughter. I just want my husband to be happy, healthy, and clean. It is soooo hard to accept there is absolutely nothing I can do to make that happen and get my husband back. The truth is: I don't know how to move on, and let go of the person I loved so much... when, truthfully, I barely see glimpses of the person I loved anymore. Now my husband is more often moody, irrational, selfish, blaming, needy, depressed and hopeless...this is his addict side....I hate it, and I love him--Where did he go?
DDA
6/16/2010 10:39:06 PM
I am glad you were able to leave that type of life, but you are not through your work, AL. You must get your daughter out of that environment. It is your duty as a mother to protect your child.
Susan
7/6/2010 3:30:06 PM
Dr. Archer,
My husband has built a business for 15 years, is successful and just found out that he has to file
bankruptcy and that chances are slim that he'll be able to pull out of this without shutting the doors
to his business completely. In addition, we are possibly going to have to foreclose on our house.
We have two young children with a third child due this Fall.
He has casually smoked pot for years, but functioned well and be a pleasant person all the way around.
Lately, in the past 2 years or so, he has started to use pot daily, several times each day.
He has told me that is his way of "self medicating" because he is under such severe stress and pressure for the reasons mentioned above.
I have given him ultimatums to stop, left him several times, kicked him out several times, and nothing
is working. Really, the only option I have left is either to ride this out with him and try to be supportive
or to divorce him altogether.
What is your advice?
DDA
7/21/2010 10:39:22 PM
Susan, I am a firm believer that we teach our children through our actions, not by just what we say. You say you have given him ultimatums, but you don't stick to them. So now he doesn't believe what you say and thinks he can do whatever he wants without serious consequences. Instead of doing what is right, and seeing a doctor to relieve his stress, he chooses to use an illegal, uncontrolled drug and do it his way. When your children mature, do not be surprised if they choose similar paths, because dad did it and it was alright with mom, too.

I understand times are very tough and he may need help with handling the stress and personally I feel marijuana should be legalized, but he has clearly taken this to the point of abuse. I would give him an ultimatum one more time, and tell him that this time you mean it. Explain that if he was drinking several times a day he would be considered an alcoholic and that this is clearly not the appropriate way to deal with his stress. You will find out just what he thinks of you, the children, the family when he makes his decision. Good or bad, he will supply the answer.
Joe
7/28/2010 6:03:49 PM
OK. I am reading all of this and I want to ask the Doctor a question. I know its hard to diagnose via website or e-mail so I will give the best description I can. My wife was raised in a good family. The problem part was Dad was extremely controlling. I mean 3 daughters were not allowed out to play with friends, they were not allowed to go to the prom, the beach, the movies, a party -- NOTHING -- they were taken out of the local school district only to be placed into the school district dad teaches at in order that dad is able to hand select the teachers for each child while driving them to and from school each day. When dad was mad about something, he went into silent mode and the kids were left to figure out on there own what was wrong (Silent treatment to the max). Dad was very critical of people in general. Always finding people flaws as means to define them and he taught his kids to do this in their lives. But dad says today "all you have to do is love your kids". "Everything was done out of love and protection for them". Really, he was not phyiscally abusive, but this attitude of control with his kids backfired on him later in life. Its is safe to say, dad keep these kids secluded which had a major effect on their social growth and was not a very postive person. 2 Daughters are socially inept. One married her first boyfriend in college as a means to get out of the house (she does not talk top her dad today), the other stayed home much longer and is much more like her dad then anyone (she cannot hang on to a friend and talks badly about people all the time -- the world is to blam for all of her problems - not her). Mom died of cancer young -- 51. My wife, the oldest, got out at 21 after college and earning a decent living in the medical feild. It was during these years she began her personal social growth. I did not meet her until she was 34, but as she explains to me pot was introduced to her in her early twenties and she claims "made her relax". Now, unlike most of the people who wrote above, she is in fact more relaxed and able to talk, act normal and communicate with others while stoned. Matter of fact, its when she is straight that she becomes anxious and runs from social settings or almost acts angry at times. She NEEDS the pot to RELAX. This has tranposed over to our sex life. She has little to no desire when straight and turns into a relaxed sex devil when high. At first, I got very angry with her frequent usage. I found that even the times I would find her some pot she would take the leftovers or pinch the bag I had and hide it in certain places in the house to use at later times on her own or smoke the entire bag in 2 days. I would find pot crumbs in every corner of her drawers. Now I am an educated man, college educated, I know this is an addiction. I do see when she is straight she has communication issues, holds things in, can't act 100% normal around others without coming off as very defensive, but when she smokes she seems very "normal" and social and fun. I was getting very angry with her about the smoking pot problem. I do not want my 3 kids growing up asking "does mommy smoke pot"? I held the pot back out of anger (I had the connections). Then, I found her buying some behind my back. Note: I was also not getting sex much, I really did not enjoy the "non-high" person. She began to resent me. I started wondering and looking back in our dating relationship and recalled patterns of uptight vs. fun loving and I began to ask myself did I fall in love the the High person or the Striaght person. Today, I believe it was the high person all the while. I truly do not think any form of therapy for any amount of years, is going to correct a lifetime of what dad may have or may not have done to her socially. Was it really DADS doing?? Pot seems to be pretty well accepted socially today as well (shoot, is it not legal in certain parts of Cali.?) SO, I decided not to get mad at her and accept her habit and embrace it. Today, I buy the pot for her, and we agreed to use it on weekends only, at night after the kids are in bed. With that, we have sex on those nights. (rarely a week night, but it does happen) My friends who have no sex lives in thier marriage say they wish there was a pill, a smoke, or anything they could give their wives and have the turn cold to sex driven. They are jealous. Simply, she does open up and seem more relaxed when she is high and I am getting the fringe benfits from that. BUT, i would not be typing right now, if I felt all of this was NORMAL.. So I beg to ask, is this high person really her? Or is the the straight person really her and am I living in a fantasy? I would like to think, because of her difficult upbringing, she finds an avenue in pot that truly relaxs her and if she is happy, calm and horny when she smokes, who am I to take that away? however, I do not want to be Selfish with the Sex thing when what I really shuold be doing is getting her help. OR maybe she uses the sed thing tyo get the POT? I don't know. One other issue that does bother me somewhat. She seems to have this mental connection with the many pot smokes of the world....(at times, because smoking pot makes me THINK too damn much.....it effects me differently so its rare I use with her) I become jealous of that "connection" she seems to find in every pot smoker. I love my wife, the mother of our 3 children. I would never leave her over any of this...but would love an expert opinion about IF I am the enabler avoiding adressing the route to the problem being selffish enjoying the sex or should I seek a counsler and if so, which kind? Marriage? Drug Adiction? Family? Sex Therapist? Thank you for the feedback and time. Sincerely, Joe.
brooke
8/7/2010 10:45:15 PM
its sad.....that we have this in common, but reassuring as well. My partner has smoked for 12 years and the last 8 have been HEAVY! He is so addicted that he starts to show signs of withdrawl first thing in the morning and as soon as he gets home from work......8 hours of no smoke!! He is a monster! The tiniest thing will set him into a rage......and then he forgets about it like nothing ever happened, but will never apologise!! Unfortunatley i cant forget the nastyness, the disrespect. He can be so hurtfull He
DDA
8/8/2010 11:15:46 PM
You are 100 percent correct, Joe. It is very difficult to diagnose what's going on with your wife over the Internet. First of all I think marijuana should be legalized, however understand that unless you are getting this at a medical marijuana clinic you are breaking the law. That being said, if she/you are only using 1-2 times per week, it doesn’t sound like it’s an addiction. Why not send this to me under tell me your story with a few more details and I’ll give a more in depth commentary.
DDA
8/10/2010 1:15:29 AM
Your partner definitely has a problem. He is clearly addicted and should be in rehab. Unfortunately, he has to recognize that he has a problem before he will consent to do anything about it. My advice, Brooke, is to get out if this is not the way you want to live your life (and I can’t see how it would be). I wish you luck.
Grace
8/10/2010 10:56:51 AM
My ex-husbandhas the same problem. He is addicted and abusive. He thretened to kill me 25 years ago so I left and divorced. He is still smoking pot and his teenage daughter (from a marriage after ours) has also been caught smoking. He has many health issues. Is it true pot causes lung problems more rapidly than cigarettes?
What other health problems could be caused from a lifetime of pot?
DDA
8/11/2010 2:26:51 PM
I am glad to hear you were able to leave that destructive relationship, Grace. Occasional marijuana use offers little to no problems for most. For the certain personality types and addiction prone individuals, however, it can be highly addictive, and rehab may be necessary.

Heavy marijuana smokers have no increased risk of lung cancer as per a recent study, as opposed to those who are heavy cigarette smokers. They also exhibit no obstruction of the lung's airway, which leads researchers to believe these people will not develop emphysema, but research is on-going. Heavy marijuana use increases the heart rate 20 to 100 percent just after smoking, can cause the smoker to develop a daily cough as well as phlegm production, and make existing lung problems worse. Respiratory infections are more common as well.
Angela
8/23/2010 1:24:24 AM
I was beginning to feel it was me. My husband is a heavy drinker and daily pot smoker. He smokes pot in front of our 9 year old daughter. We have been living separately for 2 years, but were together until yesterday. He and his mother do not see anything wrong with drinking and driving and smoking pot with our daughter in the car. I never thought he would be verbally abusive to her, but as she gets older the verbal abuse is becoming as common as it was with me. I am concerned about our daughter seeing this daily and thinking this is the norm. I am scared and haven't divorced him because I am afraid of what he will do to me or to our daughter. He constantly places all blame on me and doesn't take responsiblity for anything. He can be mean as a snake and then turn and be kind, witty and loving. He has a great career and makes wonderful money. His mother knows he has an issue with alcohol and pot, but she enables him by purchasing vodka for him and helping him grow pot. He even tried to force me to smoke pot. I never have liked pot. I am scared for our daughter that when she turns 16 or 17 he will start trying to force her to smoke pot. He doesn't think he has a problem, even though he totalled his truck and got a DUI the same night. I thought this was a personality disorder. Do you think it is addiction? He has been smoking pot since he was 16 and he is now 41.
DDA
8/26/2010 3:10:49 PM
Yes, this sounds like an addiction but you need a professional involved. My advice is get out now and demand he seek an evaluation. Any time he drives after or while drinking, he is putting your daughter's life at risk. If he verbally abuses her, it will only get worse until he himself realizes that he has a problem. Put your daughter first and you will make the right decisions.
linda
8/30/2010 12:23:00 AM
My boyfriend is a pot smoker and it didn't bother me.
He doesn't go to work high.
He only uses after work to "relax"
He's been using for 11 years almost everyday.
He also says it helps him sleep.
Is this addiction if he is functioning in society?
He does smoke sometimes when he drives which is a concern to me.
I also forgot to mention i broke up with him today but i am regretting it.
He said he would quit for me, but it started to bother me thinking about having to deal with the quilt.
That was all i was thinking about is his problem.
I didn't think it was healthy to be with someone who is quitting only for me and not because he wants to.
Should I have stayed and try and make it work.
Other then this issue we were very compatible and he was very good boyfriend to me.
He also doesn;t act different and doesn't get angry or anything from the pot.
He cut back a lot and stopped doing it around me.
We also spent a lot of days together and he doesn't choose smoking pot over hanging out with me.
Yamileth
9/3/2010 11:12:38 AM
my life have been a hell since I married with my husband.He think all the time that I have another men. I am tired, he scremm to my children, I am alone in this country. What can I do.
He smokes three times daily


Please I need Help
Nivah
9/8/2010 12:18:02 AM
My husband doesn't like to drink, but loves pot. He's successful with his business although I believe he'd do better if he was clear headed and didn't have pot in his system. He doesn't get angry or scream, but I think he gets boring and just kind of unintelligent. There are better ways to relieve stress! He knows it bothers me but doesn't care enough to just do it in moderation. Id be ok with once or twice a month. He thinks he smokes a few times per week, but it's practically nightly. That's a habit. It bothers me that he'd be so weak as to think that the only way to "feel better" is by smoking pot. It's an immediate turn-off to me, is this just my problem? He compares it to my liking of a glass of wine, but I might have a couple glasses of wine per week (none now that I'm pregnant). This has been bothering me for a while. My aunt says that since he doesn't drink I shouldn't be so hard on him about the pot, but I am uncontrollably turned off as soon as I know he smoked and that leaves me feeling unaffectionate, unloving, and frustrated with him as well as myself for not being more easy going. He doesn't smoke in the morning or all the time during the day, but almost every night. When we started dating he was doing a lot of yoga and he said it took his mind off of pot, he hardly does yoga anymore (although he is active and plays football, soccer, goes to gym) so he's got nothing else to calm him down after "a hard day of work." isn't that what family is for? Why be stoned the minute it's time for family? I smoked pot for many years before meeting my husband, but I was in my teens and early 20's...it got old. Now that he's smoking it reminds me of the stoners I can't stand. It's making me feel unattracted to him everytime he's stoned or when I know he'll be getting stoned. Most of his friends smoke and they get together once a week for poker night so he expects to smoke at least once a week. It's just driving me insane and stressing me out. Should i just deal with it? Should I tell him to cut down or cut it out all together? Is that fair? I def look forward to having wine at night with dinner, is it similar? Can't sleep and 7 weeks pregnant
DDA
9/9/2010 11:26:40 PM
An addiction is when you place the substance or activity ahead of family, friends, school, job. To say that he smoked marijuana every day for eleven years sounds like an addiction but I can’t be sure
(feel free to send more details under the ‘Tell Me Your Story’ heading and I can give a more insightful reply). But Linda, there are many people in relationships who gladly give up something for the mate. It's called love, and if this man was giving up his daily smoking to please you, he is to be commended. Life is a compromise; it is seldom black or white.
Marnie
9/11/2010 12:14:10 PM
My husband has been smoking pot daily since he was 13. He is now 52 yrs old. We have been married for 20 years. During this time, he was a hard worker and never missed a day of work. He made a good living and we are still living comfortably even though he had to close his business and start working for someone else. I have spent most of my life trying to hide his "addiction" from my 2 children, friends and family. Yesterday, my 16 yr old daughter found a bag of weed in his car. Yes, he was driving under the influence too. I feel like I need to take a stand. He clearly said that he will not ever stop smoking pot. In the past I have overlooked this and tried to put on a happy face to keep our family together. I suspect that he has also smoked pot with my 20 yr old son. What should I do?
DDA
9/12/2010 6:21:13 PM
Yamileth, there is help for you. Go to your local women's shelter. They can provide food and shelter for you and your children while you get back on your feet. They can help you find employment so you can become an independent woman. They can provide legal guidance so you will be able to get child support from your husband. No one deserves to be in a relationship you define as ‘hell’.
D.D.F
9/12/2010 7:59:31 PM
Just for the record, my husband and myself both know the,signs,symptons and everything else that comes with being diagnosed with addiction/ drug addiction, by a professional, having said that, my husband, did enjoy smoking pot, and he did smoke on a daily basis, I could never tell when he had been smoking but if he drank one beer, I for some reason could tell, he smoked for years but due to his job and having to start drug testing he had to quit and did quit with no problem, so I disagree with the fact that a person who smokes on a daily basis is automatically considered to have a drug addiction, yes, apparently he smoked because the altering mood feeling he got from it he liked, for what ever reason ?? Im just saying that in his case, being a daily pot smoker did'nt mean he has an addiction , it meant for him,that he enjoyed the feeling he got from it. I am in no way saying that made it ok or that I approved of it. It did not affect me,he did not do it in front of me or in our home,Im just saying when he had to stop he did !! So saying someone has a drug addiction because they smoke pot every day, to me is not always the case !! I do agree if you suffer consiquences because of it, you very well may have and most likely do have an addiction problem !! Just saying !! So saying, just because someone who smokes on a daily basis is automatically considered to have an addiction,unless professionally diagnosised , is to me just not a fact !! But it is against the law and you in no way should smoke and drive,or work and put your co-workers in danger, if you are gonna do it you need to stay home, same thing with drinking or any other mind altering drugs !!
DDA
9/14/2010 3:10:11 PM
This is really more of a story, not a comment but the bottom line here is that you two need to discuss a compromise or the marriage is in big trouble. I agree that when most folks grow up they lose interest in frequent marijuana use. If you want more advice why not post this as a separate story and give details on how you two have tried to work this out.
DDA
9/14/2010 3:12:01 PM
Only you can decide what you need to do, Marnie and you clearly have a decision to make. Our children are sponges, and learn what they see. I believe marijuana should be legalized but smoking every day is an addiction plain and simple and since he said he will never quit you have to decide what to do, stay or go.
DDA
9/16/2010 10:18:23 PM
Everyone is an individual, DDF, and kudos to your husband for smoking every day and quitting easily. Generally speaking, most individuals do not have such an easy time quitting after having used a drug every day for several years. Just as I’ve occaisionally seen alcoholics, heroin addicts and crack addicts all decide to one day stop and actually do it, the overwhelming majority of folks aren’t that lucky and are indeed addicted. There are exceptions in every case.
TAV
9/20/2010 4:15:58 AM
Thank your for sharing your experiences. It has helped me to learn I am not the only one and abusive behavior that comes along with addiction is not because of something I am doing wrong. However, what can I do to help my husband? I try to talk to him about my concerns but he gets very upset and tells me to shut up and if I keep talking he tells me that I am a disobedient wife because I don't stop talking when he tells me to shut up. When he is high, he is more relaxed and he simply shrugs off my comments - he says the information I read on the internet is not true and that he is actually reducing his risk of cancer by smoking. He says when our son gets older, he'll quit. Our son is now 8 years old. He says he has to stop being a jerk so our son doesn't start to act like him. And then two hours later he is screaming at me for something I didn't even know I did wrong. How can I engage him? Is it better to leave to shake him into addressing the issue? One major problem is we own our own business together and he has alienated me from my family for the most part. He will have nothing to do with my mother and some of my siblings. He does not want our children around my mom. When we have human argument or confrontation he also has a tendancy to take it out on the kids. There are times where I worry about their emotional safety when I am not at home. I feel like I am also beginning to loose it. My head hurts all the time and my stomach is in a knot when he is in a temper tantrum or appears to be unhappy. What are the appropriate steps to take? Who can I start talking to for help?
MCC
9/20/2010 5:04:10 PM
Bingo Marnie! We are sort of in the same boat. I'd bet my life that you are correct on the suspicion that your husband has smoked with your son. For all these other spouses on this site with small children, who can't decide what to do, well ..... Marnie's story and my story is your future. You've read Marnie's, now here is mine.
I have been married to my husband for only 3 years. He has 2 teenage children (boy and girl). He's 55 years old, and he too is a very likable guy. Adored by all. I met him and carried on a long distance relationship for a year before I moved 2000 miles to be with him. He had told me he "occasionally smoked". He never smoked or had pot during all the times we visited, so I never even thought that this was something I should be even remotely concerned about. He had a health scare quite a while before I moved here and told me "he was done with that stuff". "Never going to smoke again". I moved here believing that was the case, that he had stopped completely. Later I found out differently. Now here I am 4 years later and at the end of my rope. He works, but not hard, and he is broke most of the time. (I work hard and do very well). He can barely help with the bills around the house, but always has money for pot. He is unorganized and gets very little if anything accomplished around the house. I have delt with the pot smoking as best I can. I hate his friends because they mean I have to see him get stoned. Since moving here, we have always fought a lot. I went back home for a few days to see my family. (the first time in 4 years), and he moved out while I was away. Not because he wanted to necessarily, more because he wanted to distroy my trip. He called me to let me know what he had done. I was sick and beside myself, not to mention stuck a long ways from home. Of course when I got home, he just could not stay away from me. I had a lot of reasons (mostly financial, or mostly emotional reasons, not sure really...) to work things out with him, so I tried. The pot smoking was one of the issues, but I knew then and I know now that I will never be able to get him to stop, so I made a deal with him that we would smoke together. He would only smoke when I did. I hate pot smoking, but I just cannot bare dealing with him if my mind is clear and he is stoned. Crazy, I know. I think I was just trying to find a way that I could gain some control over the whole pot situation. (I am trying to figure out my thought process here). I smoked pot a little when I was a teen, but I grew up! During our discussions about him moving back home, he let a story about his kids smoking pot slip. The relationship between his kids and I is a whole nother story that I won't go into here, but I will say that they hate me and refuse to be around me. To save me from sounding like a terrible person, I will also say I don't know what justifies their feelings. I never did anything to them. I was always giving and nice to them. I think their dad played "best buddy" with them and told them about all our marrage problems, so of course I would become the bad person since he was their dad. Any way, when he told me the story about pot and his kids, I told him "do not smoke pot with your kids. If you have any desire to be with me and move home, do not smoke pot with your kids". He told me he wouldn't and I believed him, but I think now that the three of them had already established that relationship.
I let him move home a few months ago. I recently caught him RED HANDED sending his son to buy pot for him. This was a turning point for me. If hadn't lost all trust in him before, I have now. This marriage is over. I trust nothing about him. We, on a tipical day when he is sober, get along wonderfully, but I suspect that it is only so he can use me until he gets himself in a better place financially so he can afford to pay for his own roof over his head. Right now it is me that keeps him warm and dry. I woud like hime to just leave now, but legally I can't make him if he does not want to. If I treated him coldly he would emotionally tourture me and I would either have a clinical breakdown or commit suicide. I am emotionally very very fragile right now. So I pretend to enjoy our time together. I pretend to enjoy sex.... the whole bit. I am in therapy and quickly gaining the confidence I need to kick his ass to the curb. I have a stable job and make good money, but ending this marriage will cause us to most likely have to forclose on our house or short sale our house because we are upside down 35000.00, and subsequently financially damage me for many years. I am almost 50 and think I can propably establish a happy existance somewhere somehow. My biggest fear is lying in my death bed regreting wasting my life, my time here, allowing myself to be unhappy and miserable. I would rather die with a smile on my face thinking "there may have been some tough times, but mostly I had fun". Right now this is the direction my head is going. Wish me luck. For those of us who are good, devoted, hard working mom's, we spend our child rearing years teaching our children right from wrong. The last thing we want for our kids is to have bad things happen to them. We spend our life secretly worrying that they will get hurt, have and acident and die. We know these kinds of things happen. Some mothers do everything as right as they can, but their children grow up to be drug addicts. Most of us try to teach our kids about drugs and saying no. To these mom's out there with young children remember that they are going to grow up and experience some pressure to try drugs sometime, somewhere, I think we all have. It is a shame, but true that pot smoking dads are often the biggest threat to our impressionable teenagers. I have seen it happen in my home and others as well.
GUY
9/21/2010 1:40:24 AM
I am a husband and a daily pot smoker. I am a relatively good looking 29 yr old guy (so I've been told), own my own business (diploma's on the wall and everything), and take my wife out to dinner, shows, events, parties, etc... regularly. I am 6'3", have a six pack, and I have the lungs to run for days (I am always the "active" partner in bed). I am a hard worker, dress well and have an active social life with my fiends (plutonic).

My wife is pretty..... but the lazy pretty type. Being good looking, she never thought she had to work out until now that she's prego (she still doesn't exercise the way she should), she always lived on her dad's AMEX so money is something thats always accessible (when will father's realize that spoiling your daughter will one day make another man a miserable slave to her), and on top of it all other than the good sex in the beginning we have zero in common. Her getting pregnant expedited her plans to marry me by a lot. I would have waited years, and several, to get to now anyone better before asking them to marry me. I was originally attracted to her and her mind games got me to think I could make it happen in marriage since I am in such a good place, financially and socially, to start a family. She has turned out to be a complaining baby with the zest for life of a concrete post. She makes fun of my friends and hers as though that's the way you treat people...she never hangs with her friends so my boys are always stuck kicking it with me and the two headed monster who doesn't smoke (pre-pregnancy) so it's impossible for her and them to coexist in the same building. My friends are business owners and professionals who smoke a few times a week but otherwise have average if not great lives. My friends are suspect of her because she is too cool for school and let's face it...she is too cool for school.

Sooooo...

I could spend tens if not hundreds of thousands on a divorce, thousands on a care-taker for my future child, thousands on maintaining her SHOPPING HABIT thru alimony, and to top it all off my kid will grow up without a Dad around at home...like I did.

or...

I can buy a sac of weed for $50 and go home and face my wife.

Sometimes, it's not life we are running away from...IT'S YOU!
fedup
9/22/2010 12:10:51 AM
I am just beside my self! I knew my husband was an occasional pot smoker for the last couple of years. When we were married 3yrs ago, he proclaimed to be this christian man, changed by the knowledge of Jesus. Some time after we were married, he began to change. He started smoking pot again and eventually became unstable and overly aggressive at times. Our life has been a whirlwind of emotion, constantly dealing with some type of strife or discord. I have 4 children from a previous marriage and for a long time, my husband was a positive role model to them. The verbal abuse between he and I has spilled over onto my children, 2 of which are teenagers. Tonight after my husband began yelling and badgering my 14 year old about his grades, things got out of hand and my son lashed out at him. I found out that my husband has been smoking pot with both my 16 and 14 year old for several months now. I was completely shocked! I do not know what to do. I do not trust him or have one ounce of respect left for him anymore. I dont know how i will ever be able to look past something like this. It was brought to my attention last year that my 2 boys had tried marijuana and after a long discussion, tears and consequences, I thought it was over. To learn that not only had my sons stopped smoking, but that my husband, someone I was supposed to be able to entrust the well being of my children to, was actually getting them high!! What was he thinking????? He told me that his intentions were to get them to stop. I am at a loss. I really need some feedback on this because I truly do not know what to do.
DDA
9/26/2010 9:31:29 PM
I want to throw this out to the readers and see what they think? My view is that yes, TAV, it’s time to shake things up soon or this will only get worse. If you want more advice submit under tell me your story and give a few more details.
DDA
9/26/2010 9:32:34 PM
I appreciate your story, MCC, and I wish you nothing but the best. It is true that dads who smoke marijuana in front of the children are setting an example that this is an ok behavior. If he will not quit for the benefit of his own children then chances are he's definitely not going to quit for you or himself. Your first responsibility is to make sure your children are raised in a loving home and know right from wrong.
DDA
9/26/2010 9:33:24 PM
You write a great letter, GUY. Just remember life can be very, very long. That is a long, difficult time to be in a miserable marriage. I suggest really trying to reconnect with your wife. Marriage counseling might benefit you greatly, as well. Thanks for an informative letter.
DDA
9/27/2010 4:44:53 PM
You know what to do, fedup; you just want to hear someone say it. If someone wants to get teenagers to stop smoking marijuana, the last thing he does is to smoke with them. Your husband has shown an incredible lack of judgment and is thinking only of himself. If you think he can return to the man he was and become a responsible adult and father figure, and you want to save the marriage, then he needs counseling and needs to stop giving drugs to a 14yo and stop the abusive activity immediately. If, as you say, you no longer trust or respect him, it is time to regroup with your children (who are your main responsibility) and leave. I wish you much luck.
sheree
9/27/2010 5:24:21 PM
I have been with my Husband for 6 years, we have two boys, 10, 3 and another on the way. My husband has smoked pot since I met him, never used to be an everyday multiple time user though. He is very liked by others is known to be a charmer and is very successful with his business, at most he is great with the kids. In the last year he has become and everyday user, also does it many times a day, before work, after work.... This fist posed a problem when I asked him to stop doing it so much because i was worried our 10 year old would smell it which he has and my husband tells him it is cigars, ( which he does not smoke cigars) I am not against pot, i too feel it should be legal but also I feel it can be abused, just like alcohol. I am upset that knowing how concerned I am for him to set the example for our child, and have to lie to him, that he still will not quit or do it after he is bed. I feel his addiction is completely coming before his family, lately he is so moody, bites my head off for everything. He moved out of our house the last time I asked him to quit smoking, blamed it all on me and told me I need therapy because im too controlling and sensitive. I have seeked counseling, he went as well, 2 times, and says he does not need it. I do not want enable my husband with his problem/addiction I also don't feel he has to completely stop it either, I am stuck in the middle. I know 100% I do not want to be with a man who puts drugs before his marriage and his family. The solution seems so simple to me... He just controls his usage and his moods and he can still do it. But he wont. I am done crying over him and all the hurtful things he says to me. He makes everything out to be my fault and I dont see it stopping. what can I do
Glenda
9/30/2010 1:10:24 PM
I had been married almost 31 years to a man that I loved. The first 15 years of marriage were pure hell with his pot smoking. He didn't even show up to pick me up from the hospital when our middle daughter was born. At the 15 year mark it had went underground with his usage and I found out and demanded he choose what kind of life he wanted to live. He said he choose me and went in to get help but only for a short time. I thought it was finally over and our lives could be happy now. He always worked and even earned a masters degree. Last month I found out he had benn doing pot again for the last 6 yrs and getting my daughter to buy it for him. Our son commited suicide 6 years ago and he said that was the reason. I was disgusted by his actions of involving our daughter who does not do drugs but has the friends and connections to get it for him. During the hour I was learning the story he took a overdose and I found him when I went to confront him about the situation. Took him to hospital and he spent less than 24 hrs in the physic ward. He then came home and wanted me to forgive him. I was lost in my own mind about what he had been doing and the deception he had used. 10 days later he then commited suicide and I found out he had been using basically all these last 15 years and had even used with my son. Now I am left with all the baggage of guilts and anger over being betrayed not once but mutiple times. How can a monster such as this even breathe and isn't the world better off with these people gone. Oh yes, he always claimed to love me. Even his suicide note said this but I can't help feeling he loved his drug more.
DDA
10/1/2010 7:24:10 AM
Something becomes a problem when it disrupts one's life, and that is what has happened here. I am sorry to hear what you are going through, Sheree; it definitely sounds like his marijuana comes before you and the children, and that is sad. If he won't limit his usage and continues to blame you for everything, it is time for a change. Again, I believe that marijuana should be legalized but I also recognize that it has addiction potential just like alcohol. Only you can decide what is best for you and your children but, as much as I dislike ultimatums this may be the time for one. I wish you well.
Anonymous
10/1/2010 10:27:45 AM
I was a hippie, so I was in that generation that smoked pot a lot. In fact, I didn't know anyone under 30 who didn't. I started at 16 and did it for a few years and got bored with it and stopped. I also have a decent layman's understanding of psychiatric disorders and a very good understanding of domestic abuse. Of course, the doctor is right that it's hard to diagnose anyone until they're stripped of prescriptions or substances so you can see what you're working with, but I realize that isn't always possible.

My first thought on this is simply from experience: I've never known pot to make anyone mean. Lethargic, yes; stuck running in place, yes; lack of ambition, yes. I think if he's abusive, he'd be abusive without pot as well. Probably more abusive on alcohol and if he did a drug such as meth. Now, probably, yes, the tension caused by him smoking all the time is exacerbating the abuse. Perhaps if both of you were happy, he wouldn't be abusive, but no one is happy all the time so I tend to think the abuse would have surfaced with or without the pot.

I'm honestly surprised he's doing well at work. The few people I've known who chose to make pot their toothpaste in the morning were too unambitious to do well at work and might be found still being a fry cook at 30. Not to say many people can't work on pot. Some can; some can't.

Some say that pot brings them back to "normal" and they function better with than without, and this may be the case if he has some disorder as you suggested. My own personal experience, being very hyper when young, is I didn't get as lethargic as other people on it, but it also made me so paranoid that I didn't normally want to be out tooling around while high, much less go to work that way.

Pot does have a "focusing" effect. I do not have and don't know enough about ADD or ADHD to know it would affect that, but it is true that pot can make you block out everything except one thing that you are focusing on, so it's just possible there might be some truth in it. Still, it begs the question did he seem more focused and organized before starting pot, or does he seem moreso now? Or did you ever even KNOW him when he didn't smoke pot? I suspect you may not have. I agree he needs to come up for air and get a baseline, but it's easier said than done to convince him of that.

Bottom line, I'd place the abuse first on the priority list when having conversations with your husband about the problems. Hang onto it like a pitbull, because abuse, unlike pot, isn't optional or personal choice. Tell him you and he need to deal with the relationship because it has become abusive and try to get both of you to counseling. The counselor will try to get him to sober up and may refuse treatment until he does, which I don't think is really fair. Yes, it's easiest to treat with someone sober, but if you make that demand the first or second visit, that person is just going to discontinue treatment. For one thing, for someone to take someone's advice about something that big, they need to build trust so they have some credibility, and a counselor telling you on your first visit "Come back when you stop smoking/drinking, etc." has no impact. So personally, I think counselors ought to make an effort to wade in and try to address what issues they can, even though it's not optimal, just so the patient remains willing to get help and once the patient has a rapport with them and trusts them, then try to tell them why it's important to stop.

If your husband refuses to get help to stop being abusive, pot or no pot, you need to get out.
DDA
10/3/2010 7:47:10 PM
My most sincere condolences on the loss of your beloved son, Glenda. Your letter is extremely sobering and very important for everyone to read. Addiction is a real problem, and left untreated can indeed lead to death. You cannot change the past, so I now suggest it’s time to stop beating yourself up and look to the future. Try to make a difference in the lives of others with respect to this problem. As you can see from the responses we have received from Lauren's letter, many families are living in the same turmoil. I wish you and your daughter all the best.
Sookie Fab
10/3/2010 9:44:20 PM
EVERYONE should smoke pot everyday.

My husband and I do and we're happy as can be.

This husband sounds like an asshole, but it has NOTHING to do with his pot use.

Pot does NOT affect the brain. We both are well-educated and have amazing careers.

Not ONE person has EVER died from marijuana use!

This dude is no good. Douchebags are douchebags whether they use pot or not!
DDA
10/12/2010 11:29:24 PM
Thank you for your comments It's true that the abuse must stop, and stop immediately. If he cannot give up the marijuana for the sake of his marriage, then Lydia needs to leave the immediately.
DDA
10/12/2010 11:29:54 PM
Thank you for your comments, Sookie. Some people may be able to smoke marijuana every day without consequences but for most that is not the case. Moderation in all things is the key.
Driving Wheel
10/20/2010 11:46:04 AM
I am a 31-year-old father of a 2-year-old girl. I love smoking pot. I would smoke all day, every day if I could. Not only do I love it, I feel it is essential.

Let me preface by stating that I have never smoked, nor been under the influence, while Around my daughter.

My parents were very abusive, and I developed PTSD from the physical abuse, as well as an acute anxiety disorder. I was prescribed Xanax for these conditions.

Yeah, Xanax is a physically addictive substance with a high propensity for abuse...and doctors give it away like it's candy, but marijuana is illegal, so I am viewed as a "drug user", when anyone with a Xanax prescription can knock back a few pills and a drink or two and refer to me as a "drug user."

it's all perception; the social stigma placed on marijuana in the 30's and 40's still exists today. Society has deemed that the SNAF (Standard North American Family) ideology does not have room for marijuana; marijuana is somehow viewed as "deviant". Yet, an alcoholic drink is totally 100% acceptable. It's just perception - someone said "marijuana is bad" and everyone throws up their arms when they find out someone smokes. As a descendent of the Blackffot tribe under the Lakota nation, I find it imminently LAUGHABLE that a bunch of superstitious, dirty white people moved here, committed the world's largest known genocide in modern history, and then have the nerve to declare a plant illegal.

That's right - it's a plant. It's completely organic. It's like tea...except you smoke.

I treat my girlfriend and others with respect, I don't steal, I hold a job, and don't suffer any ill effects from my daily use - people have just accepted it. As they should. They know I smoke pot; I don't hide or lie about it. I don't have arguments about it, and my girlfriend doesn't ask me to stop, even though she doesn't smoke.

Maybe that's because I have some personal accountability, and the people in my life allow ME to ve accountable for ME.

A lot of digruntled wives, husbands, or girlfriends probably have a lot of problems of their own they can work on...but hey, why work on your own problems when you can focus on someone else and what you percieve to be a problem in their life? Seems to me, you'd have to have a hole in your own to point a finger at somebody else's sheet.

Besides all that...smoking is great. The way my own perception changes...I feel closer to the earth, to the Creator - the sky looks more blue, the clouds are puffy...it makes me feel innocent, child-like and protected, all the while relieving my anxiety completely, until it dissipates like vapor in the air. I love it.

So, my "advice" is this - if your husband is an a-hole, don't blame the pot; blame your husband. The pot didn't do anything - it just allows the smoker to do what they want. The pot also doesn't make anyone do anything...it just lets them.

If you have a crppy life with someone who smokes pot, and they quit smoking pot...chances are your life with them will still suck, because (here it comes) pot doesn't do anything - people do.

I'm so sick of people blaming pot for their problems - I blame myself for the problems in my life. Or sometimes (most times) I just accept things for what they are.

Ever since the people in my life (parents, grandparents, cousins, spouse, etc) just accepted that I smoke, it's not even a big deal anymore. No one mentions it...because no one cares. Oh, I'm sure my grandparents don't dig it (my grandma said as much), but really it's become a non-issue. Like, the less of a big deal people act like it is, the less of a big deal it really is. I just think a LOT of people feel like their spouses are "choosing" marijuana over them or their families. I think that's pretty dramatic. Lifetime-movie-of-the-week dramatic. A lot of people need to get over themselves, and their own self-righteous indignance, and just allow people to be what they are.

Or move on.

Just quit blaming the tweeds.
aaron
10/20/2010 4:22:17 PM
why are you all of you brainwashed women so ignorant? if your husbands an idiot, hes going to be an idiot. If he smokes weed or not. Read the facts, get your information together before you spread your slander on the internet.
Mitch
10/23/2010 4:35:17 PM
It truly amazes me that someone who was smart enough to go through pre-med and medical school can be so ignorant.

First of all...as a psychiatrist...do you think it's possible that these handful of paragraphs that you receive from an aggrieved spouse are an objective and complete set of facts about their situation? Is it possible that there may be some bias, distortion and withheld details in the facts they present to you? In short, do you really think you have enough reliable information to render a judgment about the spouses behavior? Especially when that judgment is as harsh as recommending a separation?

I guess these kinds of thoughts don't trouble you, since you are all to eager to jump to conclusions based on your own biases.
Randy
10/25/2010 3:00:23 PM
I find it very ironic that in almost every occasion each of these spouse's has tried to find a way to control a behavior from the other other individual, and then wonder why the other person could possibly be upset.
Everyone wants to be accepted and loved. How loving is it when you cannot even accept the person for who they are. At the beggining of each of these stories it starts out with I love my husband, he is great, funny, outstanding person, but " I.....don't like this. Would you like to be contolled or manipulated?

This was my favorite post from Shelby. P.S. I have even learned to manipulate this situation by waiting for him to get high to ask for money or something I need because I know he'll say yes. In this instance you are using your husband for what you want.
Would you appreciate being controlled or manipulated like this. I realize you are unhappy with the decisions he has made Shelby, but it is not good to fight fire with fire. Everyone just gets burned.

If you truly want your significant to quit smoking, its not a simple command to your dog. You have to do the leg work and make them understand how much it hurts and affects you.
stuckonstupid
10/26/2010 2:12:09 PM
I recently started a relationship with someone who smokes pot ..I even smoke on occasion but seems that all I see in my relationship is someone who twists things around or uses my personal situations against me. The snap off for no reason and it gets to the point where I feel like the person just doesn't like me. I try to bite my tongue but you can only take so much and if I do speak up things get worse I'm trying to find ways to make it work but seems I can't win. now I am in a situation where I have been put on hold until my other half figures what they want out. I'm torn apart and I feel like I'm being dragged down. My partner smokes pot at least 10 times or more a day and if they can't smoke they have candy or cookies on then of medical pot. I really am stuck and tears aren't the answer anymore does anyone have some advice. I love this person so much but I cant make them see what they are doing and their friends have seen them pop off at me for no reason I'm hoping someone will speak up but no one has its getting worse lately its gone from $200 in medical a week to even more. Any advice will help. Seems only time they are happy with me is when I take the abuse or they get sex. I'm torn
DDA
10/27/2010 7:01:52 AM
You're right, Driving Wheel. It's all in perception. Many people still view marijuana users as hippies and deviant users. As time passes, and it is, this stigma will disappear and marijuana will become more valuable as a tool to ease certain conditions in the medical field. As I stated before, responsibility from users is needed to help this acceptance become a reality quicker. And I state again, just legalize it already!
DDA
10/27/2010 7:02:30 AM
Correct, Aaron. If a man is responsible and smokes, he remains responsible. If a cad smokes, he will remain a cad. We all are responsible for who and what we are. The choice is ours, however, let’s don’t be abusive with name calling, no need for that.
DDA
10/27/2010 7:03:41 AM
People write to me because they have problems, Mitch. They ask for my opinion, I do not seek to tell them what to do. If they have legitimate problems and need an unbiased opinion or medical assistance, I willingly offer my thoughts and services to the best of my ability from the information provided. I never enjoy seeing a failed marriage, but the hard fact of life is that not all marriages are happy, loving and respectful. Many are demeaning and selfish, which can be extremely hurtful and harmful. I call em as I see em. In the end, it is up to the reader to decide what path they take.
DDA
11/2/2010 10:34:34 PM
Well said, Randy. No one wants to be manipulated or taken advantage of. The best approach is open, honest communication. Say what you feel and be open to the response, but talk, talk, talk.
DDA
11/2/2010 10:35:15 PM
Don't waste your time waiting for “someone” to speak up, stuckonstupid, because you're going to waiting a long, long time. I don't understand why you would put yourself in so much misery, spending all this energy on someone that makes you feel like they don't even like you. Life is short; if you're not appreciated and loved, move on. There really are good men out there who will return your feelings.
finallyfree
11/3/2010 1:36:10 AM
this is my first time writing but i have been reading for weeks and sat and cried because many of these could have been written by me. i was married for 16 years to someone who smoked pot everyday then years later added alcohol into the mix. we have 3 beautiful children and I thought for sure he would stop for them, he said he would and never did, then after about 8 years according to him I was the problem and a drama queen. We tried to "co-exist", living under the same roof, different rooms and led different lives but I thought that was better for the kids (yes, i was too deep into denial, and was afraid to send him into another loud nasty rage), anyway, we went from separate rooms, to rotating in and out of the house, then he moved out, we are now divorced and the kids and i have been on our own for about a year and we are all happy and healthy and the kids smile, laugh and have their friends over again. For years, about 5 i tried crying to him, begging, yelling, ignoring, writing letters telling him how tired i was of pot and alcohol being more important to him than the kids and I.....again i was the dramatic one according to him, I continued to do everything for the kids and kept the "happy home" image for everyone. i still go thru hell with him when hes drunk or calls and threatens me and calls me terrible names but I wish I would have taken the kids and left years ago. I wish my ex the best, and i hope he gets help but to this day he does not think he has a problem. I want to thank everyone for sharing their stories it is so nice to hear your not alone.
DDA
11/16/2010 7:36:56 AM
No, finallyfree, you are definitely not alone. I'm glad you were able to escape that situation and to start over with your children. As long as he doesn't consider himself to have a problem, the problem will remain. I would love for you to write a longer, more detailed letter and send it to me under 'Tell Me Your Story' so I can post it in 'Success Stories'.
It's complicated
11/20/2010 12:56:07 AM
I can't believe what I m reading. My husband and I have been married for 18-1/2 years. We have 2 beautiful children. Neither of us after about 3 years of marriage, my mother and 2 of his grandparents passed away within a 3 month period of time, my son had also just been born. Compound all of this with responsibility of 1st house, and you have stress galore! All H** broke loose. He began drinking and using drugs ( initially more then just pot)....he became extremely abusive, verbally and physically, Four years later our daughter was born-I had had enough, and left- of course "him" being my addiction couldn't stay away. We ultimately filed for bankruptcy...and moved out of the city. He had also become very ill, he could not handle eating and began a horrible cycle of vomitting-sometimes for days on end...many, many hospital visits-surgery, never any answers. Of course this led to a daily habit of pot...we couldn't go anywhere without it. Because he was sick all the time, it became his excuse. It didn't always help though....I was the sole provider-still am- sometimes he spends an unbelievable amunt on the horrid stuff. It about ran us broke again. He has very little contact with other people. A year ago he ruptured his esophagus from vomitting so harshly. They discovered "lesions" on his brain....and now has a diagnosis of MS. He now gets xanax prescribed and Nucynta ( a pain drug). Although he no longers drinks alcohol....( He has had 3 dwi's which "of course" weren't HIS fault.....they were mine, because of my mouth-and all my nagging). Can excessive marijuanna use cause lesions? I'm not 100% convinced he has MS....no known mobility or paralysis....definate cognitive, slurring of speech ( Xanax?).....maybe this is my fault...I have allowed him to do this, I caved in-maybe I should have not come back when my daughter was little? He is diagnosed with MS, he doesn't work, no disability ( I make too much money).....I just don't know.
DDA
12/2/2010 3:34:56 PM
I appreciate you writing, It's Complicated. Unfortunately I cannot get into your case in the comment section. If you'd like, write your story in detail in the "Tell me Your Story" section I will gladly give you the best
information that I can. I hope to see you there.
sigh....
12/6/2010 3:01:42 AM
I'm so glad to have found this...
I've been married 16 years to a pot addict. I suspect he's ben using it for a lot longer than I'd previously thought. He says he is in pain all the time and it is the only thing that helps. He smokes much of the day. When he has it he is fine... but if he doesn't, he rages. We both were nearly arrested in customs after a vacation. They took his stash and the trip home was horrible... I was afraid he was going to cause a wreck due to road rage. He lost some at home and raged again.
Honestly, I can't imagine living with him unless he is high 100% of the time.
I live in constant fear however that he will get caught and arrested. He is a nurse, not only is he not safe this way, but if caught he will lose his license. I've thought about turning him in just to get it over with as I know it's only a matter of time.
I've thought about leaving, but most of the time he's OK... this is not my first marriage and my children are grown so I don't see the point of leaving (because I fear it will make him worse).
I am self employed, if I leave him I will lose my insurance benefits and retirement because he supplies those things... I don't see why I should have to give up my retirement because he's a screw up.
I'm angry, I'd like to leave... but I see no benefit as it won't make him quit and I will lose so much this close to my own retirement.
Any suggestions on how to live with an active addict who has stated several times that he will not quit no matter what...
Gracie
12/7/2010 1:02:12 AM
I have been with my husband for nine years. I love him dearly, although his marijuana use drives me completely insane. He's forgetful, uncoordinated, illogical and completely scatterbrained. He makes very poor decisions and is constantly "high" Before he used to buy the stuff but now he grows it, which means constant access to this drug all the times the only upside to this is that he doesn't spend the thougsands of dollars that he used to. I've tried getting him to quit many times, giving him ultimatums, I've even left him and he eventually got me to come back, although to be honest his drug use after I left exploded to the point of him growing it. Recently I've turned 32 years old and am wanting to have a child. However, I would like to get him to quit his addiction entirely. I've spoken to him about it and he adamantly refuses, stating that I knew him and married him this way, I should just accept it and not try to get him to change. I am deeply disappointed by his decision. My concern now is, if I want children, I am afraid that their father will not be a good father to them. That his drug use will create problems not only with conception and their potential development but their emotional and physical well being if he cannot properly care for them. How can I convince him that quitting is good for his health, and the life of the children that we want to have? That the quality of his life will be much better. I hate to think that leaving and divorcing him is the only way. But he states that smoking makes him happy. How can I compete with that?
finallyfree
12/8/2010 6:44:09 AM
here it is about a month since my first and only post.....the divorce has been final since March, he moved out about a year prior and i was in a separate room for about a year prior to him moving out. Well on 11/22 we spoke on the phone twice re; what time i was going to drop the kids at his sisters on Thanksgiving, the conversations were civil, no arguing. (granted we had argued the week prior) anyway, he proceeded to go to his sisters later that evening and she sd it was obvious he had been drinking(and he smokes pot daily) and he told her we had been arguing eariier and I blamed him for our 16 yr olds bad grades and him getting into trouble (not true)and he had seen my brother at a basketball practice and he knew i had him go to check up on him (my brother was there, he didnt even know my ex was picking up our son but did say he smelt like beer and wasnt talking clearlly and yes he drove my son and nephew) anyway and was saying he knows i was dating someone when we were married (again not true), he proceeded to come to my house, thank God no one was home and he came in (the front door was not locked, now its double locked) and he went into my bedroom and flipped my bed and bedframe over, it did not break anything but i feel so violated. He went to a family friend and told him what a bitch i was and what he had done and all of the things he had told his sister earlier and they called me to warn me before me and the kids returned. i had to call my 16yr old to make sure he did not go home before i got there in case my ex went back. we did not stay at the house that night because i was afraid he would come back. i had to lie to my 9 year old why she was suddenly staying at grandmas for the night. and my 16 year old had a voice mail from his dad in which his dad told him "see what you made me do, this is all your fault, im going to kick your ass" The next day i had my 14 yr old son help me put my room back together and explained dad makes really bad choices when he is drinking and smoking pot. I did not let my 9 yr old see the damage, but i told her, what happened. i had to tell my 3 kids they could not stay with their dad because it was not safe when he drinks and smokes. My sister in law, his sister offered to have the kids there on Thanksgiving and keep them for the night. My 16 yr old went to say hi to his family and came home with me. The other 2 saw their dad and stayed at their aunties. my heart hurts for my kids because their dad loves his pot and alcohol more than them and he will not admit he has a problem. its been 2 weeks and he has not had the kids, he saw them Thanksgiving, and he saw my daughter for an hour at her aunties on Sunday, and he went to our 14yr olds football game. He has not contacted me (his sister told him never to call me) but he has not inquired about if and when he can see his kids, the kids havent asked to see him either though......its so strange he lives about 3 miles away and has no idea what his kids are doing or how they are. Im really worried about the kids, the oldest one has told me they feel stuck in the middle bc their dad will say things to them like, your mom wont let me see you guys, or why dont u call me more and other selfish stupid things. That selfish man has made my life hell for years, will it ever stop. He was drinking with his friends watching football a few days after he violated my home. He lost his marriage, house and kids and still thinks i am the problem. Will he ever get help? Will my kids ever have a father,?
DDA
12/13/2010 7:13:34 AM
Only you, Sigh, can determine your future at this point. You know what he is, you know what he does. You know the dangers of his actions and the consequences. If you choose to stay then you accept all of the above AND accept the potential ramifications. My advice is to leave but it’s your decision. Also, what stops you from taking out your own insurance? Peace of mind is priceless and the alternative could be devastating.
DDA
12/13/2010 7:14:09 AM
I always say never bring children into this world unless you have a solid, secure marriage. Once the children arrive, your problems will become magnified. If his smoking drives you insane now, imagine when the children think it's permissible because daddy does it. You are justified and smart in being hesitant. As I said before, if he puts his love of a plant over his love for family, you have your answer as to where he places his priorities. I wish you much luck, Gracie.
DDA
12/13/2010 7:15:32 AM
Nice to hear from you again, finallyfree. As you said in your first post, you are not alone. Many women and children have and are experiencing exactly what you are going through. Will he ever get help? No one knows, but you can’t waste your time worrying about that. Rather, you must focus on the safety of your kids at all costs. Make sure your children know you love them dearly and are always there for them. Stability from at least one adult will see them through this ordeal and help them to emerge responsible adults.
RENC23
1/2/2011 5:49:31 PM
wow this has been amazing hearing all these stories it has been a eye opener as to what i have been really dealing with. My common law boyfriend, the father of our two year old daughter, hardworking man, and a wonderful person does also has an addiction to marijuana and abuses alcohol on a regular basis. as for myself i do not use marijuana but i do enjoy having a couple drinks occasionally. When my bf uses he is the happiest person in the world and everything is right, good and joyous, he is the best person to be around full of laughter and humour, but i can predict exactly what type of moods he will be in when he is not using, he is extremely irratible, annoyed, frustrated, angry and agitated. Anything sets him off, he yells, screams, slams objects, etc he has never hit me or verbally abused me or my daughter but he sure as heck scares the crap out of me when he acts that way because i dont know how he is going to react. I have confronted him numerous times about this concern but most of the time he simply apologizes, brushes it off or ignores the serious tone ive taken with him. i am at a loss as to what more i can do, personally leaving just does not seem like an option for me i do still love him very much.
DDA
1/12/2011 2:38:44 PM
It is up to each of us, Renc23, to decide what we tolerate. Your issue is that you have a two year old daughter that is a witness to this behavior. Your job as her mother is to protect her to the best of your ability. Your boyfriend sounds like he has an addiction and the reason he is so mean when not smoking is probably withdrawal related. You deffinitely have a decision to make.
finallyfree
1/27/2011 1:11:01 AM
my last post isnt up yet, but since then I have been to court re; my temp restraining order (TRO) and I was at the Court House in Orange Ca. and i hadnt seen my ex since Christmas Eve, the night I called 911 on him. Even in mediation they talked to us separate and excused us at separate times, anyway, I never made eye contact with him last week in Court but we both went in front of the judge. The judge was a no nonsense guy, he was stern with both of us. I was granted the Restraining Order, it says it is in effect until 2015. I was surprised and relieved. The judge even took away his 2hours a week supervised visits and ordered him to a 52 week batterers intervention program, he advised me to attend an Empowerment program and I already talking to a councelor which is helping. I was so happy for the first time in like 7 years i do not have to get yelled at, called names, harassed by him, and I was angry I did not do this sooner, and I was sad I had my kids living in that hell, i smiled and cried. We go back to court at the end of Feb. I am guessing that if he is attending his classes supervised visits will be back on, I dont know. The kids are doing ok with it, I told them the court is making dad get help and hopefully he will get better and they can see him. I had to go back to all the kids schools and the local police station with my new Restraining Order but again they were all so nice, and the kids feel safe and thats the best feeling.
MA
1/27/2011 4:58:47 PM
i am so relieved (yet concerned) that i found this forum. my husband too smokes pot everyday. it's hard to say how many times per day as he smokes in his car since he knows i am not a fan. he is productive and a sweet person. he actually just got a new job which we are very happy about. we have been discussing him slowing down and us detoxing overall from caffeine and alcohol as well in order to try having a baby. sunday will be our 1 year anniversary of marriage but this morning things took an ugly turn. since i noticed that he was still smoking everyday instead of cleaning up to make a baby, i went into this car and grabbed his stash, bong and pipe and hid them while he was in the shower. i then got dressed and went out. when he noticed, he texted me angrily and wrote me a long email saying how i am obsessed with this and how i can't focus on anything positive about him or accept him for who he is since he smoked pot when i met him. it just really hurts my feelings to think that he says he wants to try for a baby and then he goes off and gets tons of pot. i guess i shouldn't take it personally, but it is hard since i do love him and want our new marriage to thrive. he even said he would cancel all of our anniversary plans this weekend since he was so mad about me 'stealing' from him. i don't know what to do. our friends dabble in pot smoking too and he works for the arts, so i don't even think it is frowned upon. i can't even talk to my parents about it because they think he is such a nice guy and tell me how lucky i am to have him. i am not sure that he can quit on his own. he says that he hasn't quit because he hasn't actually tried. he laughs at the fact that i think he has an addiction. do you think it is better to try marriage counseling first and then maybe they will refer him to NA? i feel very frustrated.
DDA
1/30/2011 3:45:49 PM
You two have many issues to deal with before you embark on starting a family. I definitely think marriage counseling is a good first step and will be easier for him to accept rather than rehab/NA. Also, this is not uncommon for everyone else to think that any given person is a great guy; they typically aren’t aware of the whole picture. Lots of work ahead MA, I hope you two can keep the lines of communication open and work these issues out.
Old Gregg
2/2/2011 6:29:12 PM
So glad I stumbled on this site. I have very recently met the girl of my
Dreams. She ended a long-term relationship with a smoker who was very controlling and manipulative all the way through their 5yrs together. She has smoked daily for the entire time they were together and although it doesn't bother me too much now I fear this will be the end of us. Day to day she is loving, caring and all I've ever wanted but as soon as were at home she HAS to smoke weed every night. It makes her hard to talk to, impossible to reason with without her turning the little things round and fall asleep on me every single night.

She did tell me when were getting to know each other that she liked a smoke now and then. This is something I would have been completely fine with but it's now making what could be a great relationship a very boring one, bear in mind we are only 2months in!!! I like to have a social drink but can live without it. I smoked weed in my teens for a few years and loved it but grew up and wanted a life that is real and fulfilling. I'm by no means controlling and would never ask her to quit anything but fear I don't truly or will ever get to know the real person hiding behind a drug.

I'm writing this in bed, alone as she fell asleep on the sofa downstairs (honeymoon period!)

I am in no means perfect or am not facing abuse like any of that mentioned. I'm just dissapointed that her addiction will probably get in the way of something before it's even had a chance to get started.
Sage
2/14/2011 5:37:43 PM
Wow, there is a drug epidemic in this country. It's really simple. The people who don't use drugs, should have the person they intend on marrying get their hair, blood and urine tested for drugs. And the worst part about all this is, the violence associated with the illegal drug business and illegal importation. People are dieing from using and dieing from selling. It makes me wish I could live around more normal people in what country I don't know where. What a turnoff!
DDA
2/16/2011 8:18:49 PM
Drugs are not the problem Sage, rather it’s addiction. That's why I always say take your time with a future mate. Sooner or later their true colors will emerge. Thank you for posting.
BRENDA
2/17/2011 12:41:51 AM
I see business has picked-up a bit on this web-site. lol
Marijuanna stinks!! As do cigerettes!! They both need to be outlawed. The smell is disgusting plus
expensive. Not to mention what it does to your body (health).
DDA
2/21/2011 12:35:24 AM
You're very sharp, Brenda--business has really increased! I have to remember to consider each individual letter and circumstance and not rush through them. Everyone has problems, and those problems are of the utmost concern to them; I never want to forget that.

That said, there is a time and a place, I believe, for marijuana. Medicinal marijuana is important for many patients who suffer and find relief through this plant. Thank you for visiting our site on a regular basis. I always enjoy hearing from our "regulars."
Sue Schroeder
2/21/2011 6:37:35 PM
I agree with everything you said Dr. Archer. Being a former partaker with the same excuses your husband used and being smoke free many years now I can see the distructive behavior clearly. We make our excuses. He is not functional. He may think he is but people aren't stupid. They can smell it on your clothes in your hair, your car, your home. I use to go to PTA meetings stoned. I am very ashamed of my behavior and wish I could take it all back. Good Luck!
Charlie
2/28/2011 9:13:51 PM
I've felt so alone until recently. I grew up with parents who didn't even drink alchohol. I was homeschooled and the first time i ever heard of marijuana was in college. Then I met Zach. At the time he admitted to having a marijuana addiction in the past but wasn't currently using. He was the most incredible man I have ever known. Then seven months later he asked me if he could start smoking on occassion. We discussed it for two months. He said it would make him happy, he wouldn't act any different, and that it would make him love himself again. So i gave in. we agreed to a trial run. He went down to the basement smoked and came upstairs. We were comfortable and enjoyed a movie together.

I didn't realize that day that occassionally would turn into every morning, afternoon, and night. I didn't realize he would smoke more often than he kissed me. I didn't know that his personality would change. He'd swing up and down on a roller coaster of emotion. One minute bringing me breakfast in bed the next yelling at me for asking him if he charged his phone. I've given him ultimatums. But everytime he cries and begs me not to leave. Or he finds a way to make it my fault. He tells me how important I am to him. And I stay. I don't want to leave him. I want to grow old with him. I want my kids to have his nose. I just want the pot to go away.

I feel like I'm not good enough. like its my fault. I feel like he loves it more than he loved me. Sometimes I'm so angry I hate him. I thought about killing myself. I've thought about leaving him. I feel so lost. I feel like the man I fell in love with died a year ago, and i'm living with his ghost.
caz
3/2/2011 10:31:26 AM
hi. i wonder if anyone has any advise for me? i became involve with a man after coming out of a 12 yr relationship. my emotional state was not at its best to say the least. i was with this man 5yrs off and on (very off and on) and we now have a 2yr old daughter. He has smokes 'green' (skunk) for a very long time all day every day ive also known him to deal to other ppl to help support his habit. its been a very long hard battle to get him out of my life because i dont want my children growing up thinking drug use is a normal part of life (sorry forgot to add he does use other drugs and has a criminal record for importing cocaine). i have been taking my daughter on a regular basis to see her father to a indoor play are with me present
DDA
3/2/2011 10:50:55 PM
Sorry, Charlie, but having a child who “has his nose” doesn't sound like it’s worth the torment you're going through. I think both of you need to get your priorities straight. I truly hope you do the right thing….for you.
DDA
3/5/2011 10:57:24 PM
If you'd like a detailed answer, caz, write to me in Tell Me Your Story. As a comment, all I can say is do not leave your daughter alone with this man. Your ultimate job is to raise her to the best of your ability and keep her safe from harm. Be careful here!
DDA
3/7/2011 11:53:55 PM
We all wish we could take some things back that we’ve done, Sue. The important thing is that eventually we get it right, as you have.
Grace
3/28/2011 12:30:28 PM
My husband and I have been married for 3 1/2 years and he has smoked pot since he was a teenager. I've known him for 10 years and he's always smoked pot every day, with varying degrees of frequency. Sometimes, every couple hours, sometimes every hour, sometimes breakfast, lunch, dinner and bedtime. A few times in the past 3 years he has stopped for 1-2 months saying he is "quitting," but then of course starts again later. During that time, our marriage is much better and he is way more present. I used to ignore it when we were dating (as we all ignore the bad parts of people and focus on the good parts when we are first in a relationship with someone). I also didn't think this kind of excessive drug use could last forever. We have a 2 1/2 year old daughter now, and I'm not okay with this illegal activitiy anymore. In his defense, he has cut back significantly, but today, I noticed he's taking his pipe to work again, so he's probably doing it in the truck on the way to work and at lunch time, and after work again. He only smokes a little bit at a time to reduce his anxiety and self-medicate. I have made it VERY clear to him I'm not okay with it over several years, and he continues to do it. He is a really good dad and hard worker, and this is the one thing that is ruining our marriage. He lies about it, then I get mad that he lied, and then he turns it around and blames me for being a bitch. He is extremely verbally abusive when we argue, then he eventually apologizes (usually) after I've worn him down from arguing. He makes promises and breaks them. He does not honor me as a wife, verbally, emotionally or practically and says he's justified in his actions because I'm "rude and a bitch and there's thousands of better women out there than me that would be okay with smoking pot." We've been going to church and I try to forgive him, but our relationship is not the same. Plus, when you have to forgive someone about 10 times a day, it gets old. I think he has undiagnosed depression and anxiety. He says he's never going to stop now (2 weeks ago he said he was stopping forever). He's driving me crazy. I wonder if he will ever stop. Smoking pot for him helps him and destroys us. It helps him because it dims his world, including me, and therefore he is not present fully during those times. It's been so long, and I've tried many approaches to this problem, like backing off, leaving it to God (I do this every day), and my old approach, which was nagging him. It seems like the first approach is better but obviously it's a work in progress.

So my question is, will a pot-addict ever be able to use in moderation, like the frequency non-addicts would use, socially, on the weekend in the evening? Is pot okay to smoke in small amounts during the day on the weekend in the garage with your 2 1/2 year old daughter in the house? <-my answer is no to that one!
EL
4/19/2011 9:24:25 AM
Reading so many posts that I can identify with has provided me with some comfort. Knowing that I am not alone in this smoking-pot-isn't-a-big-deal charade is a bit of a relief. However, it does break my heart to realize just how many others truly understand my angst. I've never been able to support my husband's habit, gave an ultimatum, and left. But you all know the rest... he came back crying for forgiveness and gave it up for 2 years as "proof" of his love for me and our kids. I swear the very moment I let my guard down and allowed my heart to love him back freely he bought a bag of weed. That was five years ago already. These posts confirm my worst fears - once an addict, always an addict. Our kids are 11, 9, and 5. When will they start smoking? I can't imagine their dad would introduce them to pot, but once he learns they've tried it... Oh, Lord.

I could leave again. Make it official this time. But what purpose would that serve? My children love their father and he will always be in their lives. All I have to do is look the other way: ignore the lies, justify the money spent, bear the loneliness when he's with his friends, and endure the mood swings. Am I a martyr? An enabler? A door mat? Simply put, my hubby is a nice guy. He adores me. He's a great father. He's not mean. We have 15 years together, many of which were wonderful. But he's an addict. I should leave him - for my sake. But I just don't see how I can possibly save my children. I fear leaving will only exchange one set of problems for a different set.

My question to DDA is: how could legalizing pot possibly benefit any of the families above?
DDA
4/23/2011 5:22:34 PM
I think legalizing pot benefits society as a whole EL. We can take that money saved from the war on drugs to treat those tht need help from their addiction.
devastated
5/7/2011 10:11:26 AM
This website has been really helpful to me as I try to put my life back together. My husband left me just a 2 weeks shy of our 9 year anniversary in April 2011. So many things I've read here sound like our life but he left me and it sounds like most of the other husbands/boyfriends didn't leave. Anyway, when I met him, he was so charming. I found out he was smoking pot and since pot ended my first marriage (yes, I'm an idiot) he promised he'd stop and that it wasn't a big deal. Needless to say I married him against my better judgement (did I mention he was charming?).

After a few years, we go t pregnant and he was so moddy about it. He didnt' speak about it, didn't want to discuss names. I became very depressed and sorry that I ever got pregnant. Well, I miscarried. He was good to me after it happened but he never wanted to speak about it. So I felt alone as I have so many times through our marriage.

Sometime later after our miscarriage, he left me. I was devastated. I did everything in my power to get him back. he had even rented an apartment and was slowly secretively taking things from the house and putting them in storage. Well, I went after him and he came back.

Then a few years later, he did it again. I really don't remember it well, but I hated him by then. Then one night he came back and begged me to forgive him. He said so many things so I'd forgive him and of course I did (did I mention how charming he is?). Throughout these first 5 years or so, I found out several times he was smoking pot again. I guess I really just don't want to believe he's an addict so I would just go off on him and he'd say the magic words and we'd flush the pot. I'd check on him for awhile and then I'd go blind again.

Well, the truth is that I never really forgave him the last time he came back. We did well at first and we started going to church and that really helped, but that fizzled out too. We'd go occasionally but it wasn't consistent. So over another 4 years I've been left again.

I was such a good detective when something seemed wrong so he learned how to become more and more secretive. So this time, he was really good. I nad no idea it was coming. I knew we were having some issues and I was feeling something, but I didn't know he was leaving.

He kissed me good-bye that morning and that afternoon I called him on his cell phone because over the years, he made me feel like I shouldn't call him at work. Anyway when he didnt' answer his cell phone, something in my spirit said, call his work. When I called his work, his message on his work phone said he was off! So I called his cellphone again and he answered. I asked him immediately where he was and he said at work. And I said, "No, you're not. Want to try again?" He then said, "You're right. I'm leaving." I was shocked and tried to talk to him which was impossible.

That was on Friday, March 25, 2011. Then on the following Wednesday, I was stupidly calling him trying to figure out what was going on and he said, "Look, I'm not going to lead you on. I'm buying a house and I need you to sign a paper saying you won't seek alimony." My stomach dropped to the floor. Shock and awe is all I can say. He said he'd e-mail the paper to me. This is all while I'm driving to work. You can't imagine what it was like to have to work that day because honestly, I didn't know he was smoking pot at this point.

Anyway, I didn't sign that paper, but the bank approved his loan. He called on our anniversary (April 4th) because he wanted some stuff. I asked him later if he knew it was our anniversary and he said no. We had to get together to do our taxes (he needed the current taxes for his loan) the next weekend. I still didn't understand some of the reasons for his leaving so I used sex to lure him. We even went to the movies and he cried and cried. It was so confusing to me.

Then his closing for the house was April 15th and he asked me not to be home because he had hired movers to come get all of his stuff. he told me he'd be done by 6:00pm. I saw that he was gone earlier than that so I went home. At 5:50pm he rang the door bell to get his stereo. I didn't want to let him in, but I did. We argued and I cried and so did he. Then he said he'd call me tomorrow and we'd go to the movies. The next morning he called and I didn't answer. He left a message saying he was going to another town and wanted to grab some clothes he didn't get the day before. He asked me if I wanted some coffee while he was out. I called him back and went off. I told him to never get my hopes up again. He'd promised we'd go to the movies and now he was off to do stuff in another town. I was furious and hanged the phone up on him. He called back and asked if he could just come by with some coffee. Of course, I said yes. He came over (mind you this is the day after he bought a house.) We talked and he wanted to have his new life and old life too. I told him no and to go ahead and leave. He got up, started pacing the floor and said he wished that he hadn't bought this house. He cried and said he did want this marriage. So we had 2 more weeks together before he left again.

The first week was beautiful. We just had fun and remembered why we loved each other. The second week began the hard work to restore our marriage. We went to counseling and started a book of exercises to restore marriages. During this week, an odd letter came to the house from a lawyer. It was formal looking and had spelled hi name perfectly (which rarely happens). However, on the side it said "advertising material." I asked him about it and he said it was junk mail and to throw it away, but something in my spirit told me to open it. It said that he had been charged with possession, I think. I was again in shock and awe. I took it to him and asked him if there was something i should know. He admitted it. I asked him what were the worst and best case scenarios. I told him that I married him in sickness and in health (because to me drug addiction is a sickness) and I could forgive him and we could move on IF he could be honest from now on. When i asked how much he smokes, he told me that he smokes everyday and has for a long, long time. He was so good at hiding it. I never even smelled it. How is that possible?

(NOTE: the date of the drug charge was January. I think Jan10 but I'm not sure. He tore up the letter so I can't remember everything because I was in such shock. So this makes sense with when he put a contract on the new house; Jan26. I really think it's because my first marriage ended over pot so he knew this was the end so he might as well get himself set up...maybe..who knows.)

I asked if this drug charge was why he left and he said it was part of the reason. (I left my first husband when he finally told me that he would never stop smoking, but I never loved him like I love my current husband. I'm so scared that I'll always allow him back but he's hurt me so much...keep reading....there's more.) He said we had other problems, too. Anyway, after finding this out and starting counseling, he became aloof again. I could feel him pushing away from me and I caught him in 2 silly lies. I began checking his phone records and I found out he was calling to get Direct TV at his new house even though he was spending every night at home with me. I also found out he had called painters and set up an appointment for them to give him an estimate. I questioned that because we had decided this new house would be an investment property and i felt like we should paint it only before selling it. It makes no senes to paint beforehand because you'll just have to paint it again or touch it up. I should have put 2 and 2 together and figured these were clues that he wsa getting his new place fixed and ready for when he left me again.

Well at the end of two weeks on a Friday, (April 29-just a few days after my birthday) I checked his e-mail account. When I did I saw an e-mail from one of his pothead friends. I read it but while I was reading it, I noticed who he sent it to. Well, there was another e-mail account for my husband listed! I immediately went to that account and tried to get in. Easy...he used a usual password. once I got in, i saw e-mails from his pothead buddies since Januaryish. Then down below there were e-mails from a year ago that he was holding on to. He had been flirting with an old high school girl. They were both married but flirting way too hard. They first started with love always, to luv ya to love you. The e-mials lasted about 3 months and then they just fittered out. They don't sound like they ever met even though she asked him down for a concert. he wrote back and said he'd like to but he was going to a family reunion. She sent him pictures of her in a bikini and he wrote charming things to her. I think they IM'd too, but I don't have proof. There was also another e-mail to a girl but there were only 2 and it didn't seem like she was getting flirty with him.

So I called him immediately. He laready had seen that his buddy had done that. He had started a e-mail to him chastising him (I know because when i got off the phone and looked at the e-mail acc't again, I saw the beginning of his draft. He was in the middle of writing it when I called so he knew when I called what it was about.)

When I got him on the phone I asked him if there was anything else I needed to know and he admitted it and then said, "I'm not happy. I don't want to be married. I've bought this house and that's what I want."
Shock and awe again. I wrote an e-mail to both women acting like my husband to see how they wrote back. one didn't (the one that never acted flirty.) The other did. She addresses it "Hi, Stranger."

So I wrote to her to find out the truth. I told her I was his wife and that what they were doing did matter and I'd like to know if they'd slept together so I could move on. She wrote back and said nothing happened and it was all innocent! She was married happily and just connected with some old friends since she lives 2 states away and was wondering about their upcoming 30th reunion.

I called my husband again and ask him if he slept with her. He said no. I asked if that was his intent and he said yes, but he couldn't go through with it. I told him I was going out and moving on with my life. I told him to take care.

On Tuesday, May 3, he e-mailed to ask to get some more stuff (no...he hasn't gotten all of his stuff and everytime he picks up a few things it rips the scab off all over again.) The first line of his e-mail was..... "I MISS YOU! I hope you are doing ok." How dare him! Why does he keep saying that he misses me or cries? Well, I told him not to ever contact me again unless it was an emergency and that I no longer wanted this marriage. I told him to arrange a date to get ALL of his stuff because I needed a clean break.

He picked up some of his stuff that night and hasn't arranged a date to get the rest. I have not called or e-mailed him since and neither has he contacted me. It's so strange to go through this. It has hust so much. It's odd to me as a woman to be able to plot for months to leave and never let on. Then be sad about it but then not call the woman you called everyday for 10 years (9 years married and 1 year dating).

It's as if I was an old shirt that he really liked but it was time to give it up. Throw it in the trash and never look back....never think about it again because you have a new shirt that you like...maybe it even fits a little looser (he can come and go as he likes and smoke all the pot he can.)

Anyway, his court date is May 15, I think. I'm trying really hard to move forward. I'm going to go to counseling to figure out why I pick this kind of man. There's a part of me that wants him back, but there's a tiny part of me (that's growing larger) that says, "you just turned 40...how much more of your life do you want to waste because that's what you're doing." We never had kids. he made sure of that. So now I'm too old to have kids and I really don't want anyone else....I'm a mess.

SORRY THIS IS SOOOOO LONG! It's just so fresh. I just needed to get it all out. Thanks.
Fran
5/7/2011 11:25:43 PM
While I think it should be legal for various reasons it bothers me my husband smokes everyday all day long because it has changed his personality. The people above who maybe it hasn't turned them into jerks don't realize that other people it can change their personality because everyones brain chemistry is different.
When I married my husband didn't smoke and was much nicer. I love him but he is a withdrawn jerk way too often.
DDA
5/9/2011 11:59:55 PM
While this is strictly for short comments, let me just say I am thrilled you finally had enough. If he calls again for things he should have retrieved long ago, tell him that you will leave them outside the house. If he gets them, fine; if someone else picks them up, so be it. He had plenty of time. Enough with this loser, Devastated. He wants it all, regardless of how much it pains you. Close this chapter in your life so you can start again. Good luck.
DDA
5/10/2011 12:00:29 AM
You are so correct, Fran. It affects different people very differently. Thanks for posting your comments.
LB
6/3/2011 9:59:33 PM
When I met my husband 10 yrs ago I knew he smoke pot all the time. It didn't bother me back then because he was 'normal', fun, outgoing, witty, liked doing the same things I did, was wonderful with my family, etc... we were both on 2nd marraiges and were very much in love and happy to build a life together... so, we did.... I also had a cocaine addiction at the time, so his pot habit didn't bother me very much (how could pot bother me when I had my own devil to deal with)... but, over time, I quit the cocaine and have completely moved on from those days... but, my husband still smokes pot - constantly... when I mean constantly, I mean morning, noon, night, weekends, family gatherings, holidays, on the way to work, during work, after work, before bed, when driving, etc... it's absolutely constant. I don't understand because we have such a great life - why can't he just be happy with lfe? Why does he have to be high to deal with life?... we live in a nice area, have a beautiful property, 3 horses, 2 dogs, great friends, grown & successful kids, etc... He has a great job and makes good money and so do I... so, sounds great, hugh?... well over the past 4 yrs or so, he has started to get very very moody whether he's high or not and he lashes out at me at the slightest thing... for example, yesterday we took the horses someplace to ride and I wanted to park the trailor in this one spot... he wanted it in another spot (which was loaded with spiders and ticks), and I said "no because of the spiders & ticks," and he launched on me calling me an Ahole B* and selfish C*nt, etc.. very hurtful and mean stuff and worse yet it was in front of my girlfriends... it was very embarrassing and turned what could have been a really nice horse-ride into an awkward 'walk on eggshell' type of afternoon by everyone ... These types of outbursts happen regularly anymore over the slightest things. Of course, there was no admittance to his wrong doing and no apology. It hurts, but what's worse is that he sounds very much like all the other posts in this forum - so he really has a raging drug addiction far worse than most. I am finding myself having to walk on eggshells more and more just to keep peace. In fact, I can't ask him for help around the farm or horses because he lashes out at me saying he is 'tired from work' and that 'my horses are my problem' etc... I'm exhausted because I could really use 'man-help' around the farm... but aside from that, I don't enjoy doing things with him anymore because I'm afraid one little thing will go wrong and he'll get set off and launch on me again...I've tried to discuss this with him and he just completely says it's all me, I'm the problem, I'm a B*tch, etc... but no - no true.. I"m a very happy outgoing person and he has become irrational, irate, wacko... and he's completely shrugged the responsibilities of the farm-life he agreed to build with me. The thought of not-smoking is completely out of the question. And, talk about withdrawl... he starts getting anxious, aggitated, angry, irrational, horrible at the mear thought of running out. He falls into a terrible depression and sulks in the basement watching TV for days when he's out.. then no matter what financial issues are going on or what bills or responsibilities we have, when it's time to run out and get weed all h*ll stops and he's out the door spending a couple hundred on it. . I don't know what to do because I love him but I don't love this... And I also love our 'farm life' and don't want to give up on everything we've worked so hard for... but, what should I do? We are 43 and I just don't have it in me to restart my life again. I really would not want a divorce but I also cannot stand this situation. Any advice? I'm thinking the only advice is to leave... that would be so sad though...
DDA
6/5/2011 6:25:31 PM
This is for comments only, LB. I invite you to write in to Tell Me Your Story and I’ll give a detailed answer. In the meantime, ask him to go to counseling with you to discuss. If he agrees, you have a shot. If not, you have a tough decision to make.
tika0782
6/15/2011 5:40:44 PM
I have been with my boyfriend for almost 5 years. He smoked when we got together, but I never smoked, so I thought it was no big deal. Now its morning (before work) at lunch, after work, and before bed. If he doesnt have weed, he gets mad...to the point of breaking things. We have a three year old together, but he smokes rather than pay rent, etc. We used to go out and have fun, now he blows me off to get weed and hang out with his friends. I hate to kick him out, but it seems like things are getting worse.
DDA
6/16/2011 6:09:53 PM
Doesn't sound like a good home life, Tika. I'm sorry for what you're going through. Read the many comments to these marijuana Q&A's; you'll get your answer as to what you need to do. If he's worth fighting for, however, ask him to give it up, going to rehab if necessary.
Don't Know If I am Strong Enough
7/4/2011 10:32:03 PM
It is really good reading all your comments. I have been married about 2 years and when we got married I knew he was an occasional pot smoker; however, now he smokes a blunt every day. He needs the weed he says. It seems that his life revolves around weed. He spends about $500-$600 / month on weed which is just the right amount of money to get a bigger apartment so our new son can have his own room; however, that is not as important in his mind. He spends time worried about when he can get it again. Lately it has also been affecting him differently. He is no longer a "working high person" but he is out of it. He slurs his words, cannot walk straight, and has almost no long term memory it seems. He seems like a child and refuses to help with our child in any way; however, with his state of being lately I do not dare leave our son with him if I am not right there also. I know you say divorce him and give him an ultimatum but I also am dependant on him money wise and to pay off our debt. I would never see a penny from him if I took that path and I think he may get violent also.
DDA
7/5/2011 5:19:57 PM
It is not a decision for me to make, Don't Know. But what I can tell you is that it is your responsibility to give your child the best you can and protect him from harm. You're stronger than you realize. If you truly believe things will get violent, then you have no choice but to leave.
An occasional vaporizer
7/27/2011 12:34:46 PM
First of all, I can vouch that marijuana does make one more prone to mood swings and such.. but mood swings are only brought about by TRIGGERS. I would have to assume a lot of the times the triggers in most of these "husband-wife" situations would be when the wife was just trying to make small talk or simply ask the husband to do something. This is where the problem lies, because most of the time when under the influence of marijuana, depending on the mood that the user is in, the person will want to be left alone if the thing is of very little importance in the "grand scheme of things". NOW a lot of this depends on the user, because things can get messy when the user wasn't even responsible before he/she started partaking in the plant. Fact is, I've been living with two women since I was a kid, and even though I'm only 17 now, Women can and will definitely ANNOY the crap out of you if you are under the influence and you want to be in your own world/space/bubble (etc.) if the woman is consistently coming at you with miniscule things.. In all reality marijuana isn't a bad drug, it just intensifies feelings, and so if the feeling happens to be anger at that point in time, well, its obvious that the user is going to exaggerate his/her anger. I don't see how someone could use consistently while having a family/job and everything else on their plate though, because that's just too much to keep track of with the occasional absence of short-term memory, so I would advise them to at least cut their use down to 1-3 times a week and their behavior/feelings will get considerably better. You have to show them sobriety isn't as bad as they think it is, but you can't go out right and say that or they will continue to argue their point. SMALL steps is the key.
DDA
7/28/2011 11:38:29 PM
Well put; I like the advice. And by the way, if those two ladies happen to see your post……yikes! You think you were annoyed before.......
Deceived
9/26/2011 11:55:10 AM
My husband and I have been married for 24 years. Every year, we get together with a group of his friends from high school. They started meeting before all of us got married, and it just continued every year. We've all had children, most of whom are now grown and living on their own. Each time we got together, I would stay there with the kids until it got late, then take them home so he would have time to visit with his friends. I understood that some of them smoked pot then, which explained why my husband smelled of it when he got home. He always told me it was "some people" who were smoking. I haven't smoked since 1985.
Fast forward to a few weeks ago. We had been at an outdoor concert, and were talking later about how there was a lot of pot smoking going on out there, even though we weren't. I asked my husband, who had been dealing with bad back pain, if he had ever considered trying some pot to help relieve it. He got a strange look on his face, then proceeded to tell me that a few friends had given him joints, in recent months, to help with this, and he had been smoking in the evenings when I was out. He also then told me that he had been smoking every year with his friends at these annual gatherings, after I took the kids home for the night. The kicker was that EVERYONE at these gatherings knew about it, except ME. EVERYONE. They have all been keeping this secret from me on his behalf. He has been able to keep up this deception for over 20 years! I feel so betrayed. It's not the illegality of the activity that hurts so deeply. It's the ease with which he has kept this a secret for decades. I don't know how to heal. I love him, but find myself doubting him, wondering what else he hasn't told me. I'm glad, of course, that he finally told me about it. So I'm afraid to tell him how hurt I am, for fear he'll go back to hiding things from me again. Hurting so badly.
DDA
9/28/2011 11:10:12 PM
Let it go, Deceived. He didn't want to upset you, and now you are upset. Don't look for a reason to make trouble when there is nothing there… It took him 20 years to admit it; and I bet he is completely relieved you now know. Next time they have the reunion, before you leave to take the kids home, make a big joke about it. Say something like, ok time for you pot heads to get high, I’ll have fresh baked cookies at my house if you get hungry later on. Everyone will have a good laugh and it will be over.
anne
10/16/2011 2:28:47 PM
My husband has been drinking and smoking pot daily for over 30 years. He starts drinking wine at 4pm, the pot is day and night 24/7. I have no idea how much he spends on this pot addiction. If he doesnt have his pot his is irritable and grouchy. We have had many blow ups in the past over this, but now I let it go, but I am miserable in this marriage. I am lonely. It's very hard to detach and make a life outside the house while still married. I am completely financially dependent on him. He has a daily cough now, it doesnt faze him. His day ends at 4pm in front of the tv with wine and pot until he goes to bed at 7:30. He even takes a glass of wine to bed. His family and kids have no idea about his addictions, only me. He has dr. jeckyl and hyde personality. I am on anti-depressants have talked to numerous therapists........bottom line, make a decision to leave or not. Al-anon meetings are interesting but not really helpful, misery loves company. Also the meetings are very religious, even though they say they are not. I have really not found any help out there. I am looking for a job, and trying to crawl out of this dungeon but my depression and fatique slows me down. I used to have so many interests and love of life.
DDA
10/23/2011 12:59:08 AM
Anne, that's a long, lonely life. There's so much more to living than what you're doing. The therapists are right; you have a serious decision to make and from what you are telling us, the answer is pretty clear cut. Be strong and take care.
nfrly
11/9/2011 11:24:26 AM
archer you've given out some perfectly lousy relationship advice here, and you've kept it up in nearly every one of these comments to what sound like generally narcissistic uninterested and certainly poorly informed women. this is neglecting I think, the avoidance of taking sides in couple's issues, excused by the conversation about 'drugs'. leakaye noted earlier in the comments that:

''i don't see how he can ever make me happy/he won't 'quite'/the man i love isn't there anymore'
also note lea's assertion that of her husbands age of 28 and two recently-birthed children.

not evaluating the culpability of both parties in couple's problems is a mistake. you are correct in remembering that you cannot diagnose mental illness in the presence of substance--substance abuse is however a mental illness.

now this is not to say real cases of substance abuse do not exist--(e.g.,: Anne's husbands alcoholism) but the tendency to treat all drugs (and for that matter addictions) the same is sloppy work. too many variables ignored.
DDA
11/17/2011 10:48:18 PM
C’mon nfrly, lighten up. This is advice- not therapy. Feel free to chime in anywhere you’d like, all opinions are welcome and you sound like mental health professional. As for mutual culpability: Just as a drunk who has been stopped for DWI is walking a straight line as perceived by him is in actuality stumbling and falling all over the cops, when marijuana becomes the most important thing in ones life, they're beyond the point of knowing what they're like when they're stoned. They perceive one thing, but reality is entirely different. As long as smoking marijuana is done in moderation and it doesn't hurt work or home life, it's not a problem. But when it threatens employment or family.... then you've got a problem that supersedes all others.
PJ
12/1/2011 4:16:23 AM
I am amazed that this thread was started two years ago, and 1) I was able to find it, 2) I could be any number of the above wives with the pot smoking husband. Mine quite to date me, we married, have a 7 yr old, and about a year ago started again - daily (he is 50, I'm 42) . He is an anxious, depressed mess and in no way is open to even considering that the pot is part of the problem, not the solution.

I have nagged him into seeing a psychiatrist, who has put him on Zoloft for his depression and anxiety. But it is clearly not working for him (he says he feels awful and anxious all day long). Now attempting nag-fest #2 to get him to go back.

It sucks - all of it, the pot, the depression, the anxiety. It all just sucks.
DDA
12/3/2011 1:50:50 PM
Welcome, PJ. Keep up the nag-fest. He might find help with a simple med change. BUT realize that unless he sees pot as a problem and wants to quit- he will not quit.
C
12/3/2011 10:29:10 PM
Hello,
While this thread has been helpful, I would love to know your thoughts on the issue of the kids still being with their dad (who is addicted to smoking pot) during his custody time. That is one main reason I have not left. I feel that if we're living together, at least I have control of the kids every day and I can make sure they're safe and not exposed to negative things. Me leaving won't change him. He'll just have the freedom to do whatever he wants around the kids during his time with them.

He has a daughter from a previous relationship and I see how hard it is to protect the kids when they're in the other parent's custody. I'm terrified of that they'd be exposed to without me there. Especially if he ends up dating/marrying someone else who is an addict.

Thoughts?
DDA
12/7/2011 3:25:48 PM
Be sure to inform the court/your lawyer of your concerns, C. He's engaging in an illegal activity- that is the route you need to persue to protect your kids.
C
12/8/2011 12:42:22 AM
He has his Canna-Med card...
DDA
12/9/2011 3:18:16 AM
Hi C, what’s that?
samantha
12/19/2011 12:07:19 PM
I have been married to a daily pot smoker for 2 years and now we are in the middle of a divorce. Everything that has been said here sounds very familiar to what i have dealt with; mood swings, withdrawls, cant sleep, constant fighting. We have an 11 month old son and im worried about a custody battle. I want sole custody, i know that he is not fit to be a parent. He also has a "license" to smoke, however i tore it up recently. What are my chances of receiving sole custody for our son?
Beamin
12/19/2011 3:23:46 PM
This thread is amazing to me.....I felt like I was reading a letter from my own wife.I had been a chronic pot smoker and also occasionally used other drugs(never alcohol).But I behaved exactly as described in this post.I'd blame my wife for everything.She finally had enough and was set to leave with our 2 girls if something didn't change and without asking,she made the appointment for me to see a therapist and told me to be there. The best thing that ever happened to me!! I was amazed at how little I knew about myself.I had suffer with ADHD for all of my life and was never treated..even though i was very intelligent I had parents who thought I was just I was a "bad kid" and thought they could discipline it out of me or that I would grow out of it..Although they were aware of the condition of ADHD there was a stigma that existed when I grew up in the late 80's so they did'nt want me labeled.Well, what actually happened was I grew up feeling very much like an outcast and a huge disappointment.Like the description of many of the guys in this post I was a very funny guy I even became a standup comic and people outside of my home thought I was an awesome guy.But, inside I felt like a failure never achieving to my full potential and basically hating anyone who did have great material and financial possesions, taking on a role as somewhat of a simplistic type who valued people over materials but actually wanting all of the the things I said I hated.At home my behavior was at best described as erratic.I would say mean things to my wife and kids one minute and be so nice the next.It was taking it's tole on everyone.the kids didn't want to ask me for things because they didn't know which Daddy they would have today.well,through working with a therapist and a psychiatrist I was diagnosed with ADHD and bi-polar disorder.It was explained that I HAD in fact been self medicating for years as humans will do.If you feel bad you try to feel better but the marijuana wasn't working anymore so that's why the addiction ,which is a symptom of the condition along with the angry outburst,was getting worse.I went to my first appointment and my therapist put me on a machine that measure the oxygen saturation of my blood and actually showed me that I wasn't even breathing sometimes.this was an affect of the pot.she said the words"The pot is making you a space cadet".These words resonated with me.For all my life I had relied on my intelligence to get me by despite the fact that I was unable to complete college(dropped out multiple times).I quit smoking a week later.I have been feeling so much better and become more aware of my moods and reaction to overwhelming situations(commonly my trigger for bad behavior).I have now been prescibed Lamictal for the Bi-polar and adderall for Adhd and I for once in my life started to feel like I have a bright future WITH my family..I hope people read this and understand their loved ones a little better now.Its's not always that we are abusive people but that we are sick people who need the support of our family just as someone with a cancer or any other illness.Your husbands and wives are probably wonderfully loving people underneath it all.So,if you love them GET THEM HELP. It may not be drug counciling that's the first step just a step but definitely give it a REAL try.
DDA
12/23/2011 7:38:45 AM
Oh, I cannot give you those odds, Samantha. You need a good attorney and ultimately it depends on the judge. Judges are human and, therefore, use their own personal discretion in each case. Your husband is the boy's father, and unless he places the child in mortal danger, he will probably get joint custody with you as the domiciliary. Good luck.
DDA
12/23/2011 7:39:17 AM
Wonderful addition to the blog, Beamin. You bring up excellent points and observations. Thank you so much for sharing your experience with us. We wish you nothing but the best for both you and your family.
Lesley
12/29/2011 11:41:06 AM
I do agree with some of the posts that state that some of the spouses behaviour sounds that they are just mean and abusive whether they smoke pot or not. If they are mean and aggressive---I don't think the pot is making them much worse. In my experience, people are more relaxed when smoking pot. Maybe some of these spouses are doing harder drugs and the wives are not aware of it.

My husband has been a pot smoker all of our almost 20 years together. I don't like it at all----(I don't drink or smoke) but I have always tried to be understanding of it. He did not have a great childhood and admits the pot makes him feel better and he would rather take that than prescription drugs from the doctor. I do agree that he is much easier to be around when he has smoked---relaxed, fun etc but when not on it---impatient, irritable not as fun to be around. I hate that aspect of it and we have had many discussions about it----but he admits he is at fault alot but then the finger points to me for whatever he thinks I need to work on. Not saying I am perfect by any means----but deflecting blame on a serious issue is manipulative I think. I think he is very moody because he is naturally like that (whether depressed or bipolar...) and the pot when he is not on it---exaggerates it since he needs it to relax now. He has never smoked (or smoked cigarettes) around the kids (all done away from house...) and I am more worried that my teen will find out he smoked pot when she smells it on him once she figures out what the smell is. I tell him to Febreeze like crazy before he comes in the house but he may forget sometimes.
I love my kids so much and I love my husband but very unhappy with the moods. Ignoring me for two days then all of a sudden fooling around with me is not normal but he does not realize how odd it looks to the kids and me. And we adapt to these moods I find which is not fair to the kids. But to divorce would be horrible because I need to be around my kids and can't imagine anything worse than sharing them when we could have worked this out. I am pretty easy going which may have made this easy for him to be like this because he knows I don't want the kids to see us argue so I joke alot about things so they don't think anything is amiss but my daughter is 14 and it is hard to hide things from her now. Maybe i should give him a ultimadum and leave the ball in his court but he can get angry but I hate to have to be worried about his reaction so I can maintain happy families when this needs to be sorted out. It is not hard really to treat someone you love nice most of the times so not sure why we are all questioning whether to stay or go? Ours is not a terrible family situations but not great either so it makes my decision kind of hard also----any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Samantha
12/31/2011 11:51:38 AM
Beamin, you sound just like my husband but he doesnt think he has a problem. He calls me evil, and turns every argument around and points the finger at me. He has told me he will never quit and if he had to choose between pot and me and our son, he would choose the pot. He has admitted to smoking recently and i know he has probably smoked more than he says. He is a compulsive liar, it has come to the point that i literally dont beleive a word he says to me. He says he wants to make it work and that he loves me, but i dont trust that he wont hurt me again. Please any advice will help! Thank you and good luck!
Isabella
1/4/2012 10:25:06 AM
Dr. Archer,
My husband smokes the sometimes legal alternative to pot, JWH-018. It pretty much acts the same as pot does because it is a synthetic THC from what I understand. When we were dating, he kept it very light, and I rarely saw him too high. After we got engaged, and moved in, I started noticing how obsessive he could get with it. A few months before our wedding, he quit cold turkey. I was relieved and thought it was over. Well, he started again after the wedding.
He suffers from severe anxiety and as a result, gets severe nausea, to the point where he cannot eat meals sometimes, or will throw up a lot. He has tried prescription meds, and feels that "pot" is the best alternative because it has the least side effects. I tend to agree with him and have tried to be understanding of this fact.
The problem is that he abuses it. He told me that he likes to get stoned, and I've asked him to not do it while I am awake. So he will smoke it lightly most of the time until I go to bed. Then he comes to bed stoned at 2 a.m. I might go to the bathroom while he is brushing his teeth and he is higher than a kite. It makes me angry to see him like this, and I want him to come to bed earlier. He says he is a night owl and likes to stay up late. The problem I have with this is that I will come downstairs sometimes to check on him, and he is sitting at the table with a bowl of cereal or some snack and he is slumped down in his chair asleep. When he hears me, he will start eating his cereal asleep. Yes, you read correctly. I think it is an odd sight and I think maybe he is just really stoned. One time I came down and he was doing the dishes with his eyes shut. I think he was stoned. When he heard me, I could tell he was.
I can always tell it on his face and the way he acts when he is overly buzzed or stoned. I hate it and the way it affects him.
We have tried to come up with a solution of only certain days of the week he can get buzzed, but he can still use a tiny puff before eating to help with his nausea. But he will only stick with that for awhile and go back to the days he wasn't supposed to smoke.
It's really hard because I know he uses it for anxiety and nausea, but there is a point of abusing it.
When we fight about it, he becomes irrational, and tells me I am like everybody else and don't care about his nausea and would rather him be on Valium or Zoloft, that I'd rather him be sick. Then he tries to tell me that I have control issues because I'm trying to control when he does it. And then tries to tell me that I would be okay with it if it were medicinal, prescribed to him. And the real kicker is when he tells me that all people who use marijuana for medical reasons get high as a side effect, that it cannot be helped because they are smoking all day. I do not believe this. I think he is reaching, trying to get me to be okay with him being high because at the same time, he tells me he does like it to recreate and he enjoys getting stoned. When I flat-out ask him if he needs to get to the point of being stoned to help his anxiety, he says no.
Now we are about to go to counseling for the first time, and he tells me things like I don't have a leg to stand on and "let's go ahead and go so they can tell me I'm the bad guy".
I feel sometimes that he doesn't talk to me that much and is waiting for me to go to bed so he can get stoned. If I go out to run errands, church, store, whatever, I can be sure when I get back, he will be buzzed. I think he gets bummed if I change my plans and stay home.
Doctor, I guess, I wondered if you thought he had an addiction? Also, do you know if he can medicate himself to help with his anxiety without having to get stoned or is this just a side effect to be expected?
Thanks,
Jason Fore
1/6/2012 2:55:42 AM
Very glad I found this forum. I wish I wasn't writing this, but getting it out there helps. There really isn't anyone for me to talk this out with personally, so here I go...

I've been married for almost a year and my wife smokes pot almost every day. She'll smoke multiple times a day if we're with people that enable her. I used to smoke pot, but I don't anymore. I slowed down gradually and and recently stopped all together (within the last year or so). I just can't really enjoy it anymore, especially if I smoke with my wife because I feel like I'm enabling her. I suppose that, in getting married, I had hoped that she would naturally slow down and stop as well, but I can't say I see that happening.

She's super smart, very cute and everyone loves her. She's the kindest person I've ever met. I really love her and our relationship is great in so many ways. She does well at work but hates her work environment and struggles with setting and accomplishing goals that could take her beyond her current work situation. The pot makes me less attracted to her. Her use frustrates me and literally creates a haze over all the great qualities that I love about her. She struggles with depression, uses anti-depressants and admits that she smokes pot to self medicate. I can't help but feel that it's well beyond that. It's habitual. It's addiction. I understand depression and I support the use of anti-depressants. What really bothers me is her need to smoke when we're just hanging out, watching a movie, or if we're on a trip with friends. Ive maybe seen her pass on a smoking session one time. The worst is when we're watching something together and she'll get up to go smoke. I restricted smoking to outside or her office.

One major concern I have is whether or not she'll actually be able to stop when we decide to have kids, and if she'll be the same person when she's not smoking every day. We've discussed this and she has agreed that she would not smoke while pregnant or when we have kids, but I question if it's actually possible. There are times when she's not high and super moody, and I actually wish she would smoke so she would calm down. The anti depressants have helped with that a bit, but I'm really hoping that we'll be able to discover ways for her to work on her mood so we can have normal happy lives with children and without pot.

Pot is a very sensitive subject for her and topic almost always leads to a fight. I know it's something she struggles with but I believe that her struggle is only on my behalf. Yes, I knew she smoked before we got married. Yes, I thought and do think it might get better, and yes, I question if it really will. I guess I'm not at that ultimatum point yet, but I do feel myself growing away from it. I'm over it. I actually enjoy my life much more without pot and I truly hope we can experience that together.

I have to admit, she keeps the house clean and has kept her job despite being unhappy there. I just can't get over the pot use. I do love her. I just never thought I would be in this situation.
DDA
1/6/2012 1:34:45 PM
Lesley, only you can determine if this is the way you want to live. But I will tell you that children are much smarter than you think. They probably already know what’s going on- at least subconsciously.
DDA
1/6/2012 1:35:26 PM
Well, Samantha, when he tells you he will give you and his child up before he gives up a plant, I pretty much think it's a no brainer to know where the two of you stand in his life.
DDA
1/6/2012 1:36:00 PM
Medicate himself: No. But you can do a search on anxiety on this site; I give suggestions on how to help alleviate anxiety in many of my answers. I invite you to check them out.
DDA
1/6/2012 1:37:15 PM
What is done before marriage continues after, as you now realize. Look at some of the other letters from the wives -- how many said they would quit after they had children..... only to keep smoking. If she's going to quit, the time is before she gets pregnant, not during the pregnancy. Good luck.
Joyce
1/21/2012 11:41:01 AM
Wow! I can't believe this post started 3 years ago! There are many common threads in the posts and I suspect that anyone dealing with a partner using pot can find some solace in knowing they are not alone. My partner didn't tell me about his habit before we married. I found him smoking in the basement once at 1 in the morning and he told me at that time that he just did it sometimes to help him sleep. I have never smoked pot. I don't know what it feels like, but I trusted that this was all it was and let it go. Over the years, we've gone through stages where he doesn't smoke at all, he smokes a little every day to "take the edge off" it seems or he smokes if it's offered to him. He turned to meditation as a way to keep grounded as he is someone who becomes anxious fairly easily. In our conversations about pot he has told me that combining pot with meditation was a practice he had for a long time and he had incredible meditation sessions. He doesn't do that anymore but now I notice that if he doesn't get his daily meditation/yoga time in he becomes irritable. So here's my question......is it possible that for whatever reason he continued to use pot all of these years e.g. allows him to be at ease around people and less anxious may also be the reason why he now needs meditation twice per day? If so, what is the difference other than now he's not ingesting toxins by smoking. It's still, in some form, an addiction isn't it? If he goes without meditation because of a busy few days with kids etc. then I believe he is more vulnerable to wanting to smoke. I am looking at houses that are bigger(ours is extremely small) so that we can create one sound-proof room dedicated to yoga and meditation. There is a small voice inside me saying "that won't solve the problem" but I still feel hopeful. Am I crazy? I hope someone else reads this and can relate to what I'm talking about. He doesn't drink, we have a great sex like, he loves spending time with his son, he treats me well and he, for the most part things are good. Without pot, he is less likely to want to go somewhere social so I mostly go on my own. Dr. Archer, you've mentioned compromises and I'm wondering about your thoughts on this. Thanks all for the honest posts. :)
Sonya
1/30/2012 11:29:35 AM
Hi it didnt surprise me to google this sentence"my husband smoking pot' and this came up !
I have been married 1 1/2 yrs but have lived with him 3 1/2 yrs before we had gotton married !
My husband started smoking weed when my neice lived with us for a couple of months she smoke it and he started to smoke which i had no problem with it as it was once a day thing.
A few months later i notticed he was smoking more during his lunch time at work or in his office early in the morning instead of the late evening when he first started cause he made him sleep better.
He owns his own business, and its a high level of stress, he is a college graduate, 2 grown kids and as i do also, this is both r 2nd marriage we both left r marriages after lonf term ones.
I left my marriage because of drinking and my ex"s verbal abuse.and his severe mood swings
and surely will not go down this road again!
He is a very kind loving gentle man who everyone loves!! and i am so in love with him and adore him but only 2 people know he smokes cause they smoke and he had smoked with them before!
Now when we travel and since he cant take any with him he becomes very moody and the littlest of things will set him off then he turns it around like it was because of me while we are now arguing!
I have showed him te effects of weed and he doesnt agree with them (of course the addicted person will never agree )
The person who he got the weed from he didnt no longer have their number and i told him dont ever go to my friends to buy it which i have 2 who smoke.
I figured he should have been out of the weed and i wondered how he got a whole bag of it, so i figured he went to my gf.( she would have assumed i knew) we dont talk all the time or visit
I told him he knew it was wrong or he would have brought it up to me and since he knew he was in the wrong he kept saying he didnt think it was a big deal,WHATEVER the one in the wrong of course they are going to say that he just hoped i would believe that crap!
i know when he doesnt have the weed and i can tell when its starting to effect him in about 24 hrs he goes from extreme lows to extreme moods and getting mad over nothing
I feel it distorts his judgement of issues with his son who is now in college but never wanted to hold a job in the past or have any chores in the house and things he should have taken noticed as he did before he started smoking weed to now for the same things acts as its not a big deal! he acts as he is in lalala land !
I told him after he finishes this bag he isnt to smoke any more, he acts like he can stop when he wants to and weed doesnt do any of things i say its doing to him in which is causing me anger in this marriage !
I just dont get it that the people on here act as its not a mood alternating drug which is no difference from a alcoholic,
So my point is he is no different from a alcoholic
sonya
1/30/2012 11:48:59 AM
Hi DNA I have to say Weed does interfer with personalitys and one does become moody when the body hasnt had it in 24 hrs and they do live in a make believe world that it doesnt change them for the worse! things that rhey would become concerned with before they started smoking weed now isnt a big deal to them! they dont take in information correctly and weed is no better than being a alcoholic or a another kind of drug user! why is it weed smokers feel is a safe drug that is doesnt cause health issues ,moodswings etc???????
DDA
2/1/2012 11:51:04 AM
Hi Joyce. I need more information to answer this, ie, what med is he taking, for how long, why does he need it, etc… This is for short comments only. Why not write in to “Tell Me Your story” and I’ll address it there.
Zoe
2/16/2012 6:34:03 AM
Wow!! It's a relief to read others are feeling the same as me. My partner smokes pot a few times a day and displays aggressive, cunning, verbally and mentally abusive to the point he tries to blame me and says I've got bipolar because of the ups and downs in our relationship. We have to young boys and I really want him to leave but he refuses and says he won't go until he thinks I'm stable to look after the kids. However, he is not a hands on dad and leaves me with the children regularly to go out till all hours of the night. I feel trapped and don't know my rights or where to go for advice.
DDA
2/17/2012 6:49:00 AM
Make an appointment with an attorney, Zoe. Most offer a free consultation, and you can find out your rights and options in your state. Hold your ground; this is a bad environment for the boys.
Robin
2/20/2012 12:40:51 AM
Lots of interesting posts on this thread. Let me put my 2 cents in here.

I'd rather be in a room full of potheads than a room full of people drinking alcohol (often mixed with their prescription drugs) almost any day of the week!!!!! . I have known people & of people who've had legal and illegal drug addictions, seen it ruin a lot of lives.I will not associate with anyone who does any other type of illicit drug. Its an iron clad policy I've had for over 20 years. Don't do coke, oxy or meth etc around me, or let me find out you do, you will be out on your ear with me.I'v been around awhile so I know the signs. I keep a tight circle of friends myself so its not really an issue for me. Most of the addiction issues I am seeing are alcohol and where I live a huge explosion of oxy dependence. I see most of that through my job. Is it a dichotomy that I use pot, on rare occasions have a drink and feel this way? I am sure for most it is. The truth is in my case, if I don't want you to know I've been smoking, you will NEVER know. I don't look like the average 'toker'.
Most of these stories (I read the whole thread) seem to have legit concerns when children are involved. a few seem more about issues of controlling someone else. I have always been of the belief if you know someone does something you don't like, you don't get involved with them. So if someone is honest & admits use, that is your key to walk away. Its when people convince themselves they can deal, and find out they can't, THAT is the root cause of the problem. Not the pot use.

Finally, all the government is accomplishing by this prohibition is create this huge stigma about the use (see previous comments by many) but mostly its generating the growth of the prison system. The rate of growth in arrests for drugs(mostly marijuana and legal prescription drugs!!) is quickly outstripping the system causing private prisons to flourish. The State alone is responsible for incarceration. If they can't do it, then its PAST time to rethink the current miserably failing policy, not abdicate their responsibility, and pay someone to do the punishing. Until that happens the misery and angst filling this thread and countless others will continue because people can't be 'open & honest' because of the stigma.





.
DMM
2/26/2012 12:39:12 AM
As I write this I am so sad, been crying all night, but I am relieved that I am not the only one going through this. I can't talk to anyone about this. My husband and I have been married for 17 years. I've never actually seen him smoke weed (I've never smoked it) and I may be naive or ignorant to the signs before now. The reason I'm now more scared is that we have 3 children - 15, 14,10 who are going to find out eventually that he smokes weed and goes against everything we've taught them. He lies when when I ask him about it even when the house smells from him smoking in the garage when the kids are home. He has mood swings when he smokes. What can I do? I've thought of reporting him to his job to see if they would scare him with the threat of a drug test or even report him to the police. I hate to do this but he has become a shell of a man. He doesn't interact with the kids. When he gets home at 4 high, he gets in bed and sleeps until 4AM when he gets up to leave for work. He has left remnants of the weed in my car as well as the wrappers that he uses for it. Since reading this blog, I'm thinking that I should attend AA meetings to be able to understand him and his addiction more?
Chimera
3/9/2012 1:31:44 AM
My boyfriend of three months smokes pot every day. He is 22 and I am 25. He has been smoking since he was nine or ten because his alcoholic father shared a joint with him. He quit for two years between the ages of seventeen to nineteen after he recieved a D.U.I and entered a drug treatment program. Gradually though, the stuff he learned in the drug treatment program faded from his memory and he began to use marijuana again. He has a very short attention span and often says, "huh?" And he can be a little boring. But other times he's brilliant and funny. He also very good with his hands. And holds two steady jobs, one as a mechanic and one as a cook. He has a dog that he takes too care of which proves he can be loving...And anyway, yeah, I know he can because he called me his girlfriend, he shows up on time, he's willing to wake up early and fix my car for me. He takes about three puffs a day on average of pot. I hate the fact that he fucking stinks when he kisses me, not to mention that small amounts of THC too miniscule to be detected on a drug test but significant enough to produce a small effect, enter my body...Or is it just a coincidence that I feel spacy after inhaling second hand smoke? I gave him an ultimatum and he quit for a week and then proceeded to go nuts with withdrawals, had muscle pains and outburst of anger. During that week that he tried to quit we broke up because he was absolutely foul to me and ended up making me bleed during a session of rough, careless sex he initiated. We separated for three weeks but both of us are very attracted to each other and I could tell by the text messages he sent me during that week that said stuff like "Don't date any other guys, all they want is sex," meant that he still liked me. So after three long weeks of separation (unfortunately this included Valentine's Day)...I became extremely miserable and severely depressed from being away from him...But I didn't initiate contact for those three weeks until he texted me and asked me if I wanted to meet up. So we did and ended up getting back together. Let's just be nicer to each other and get along, we agreed. We've been together for three months and we really like each other...The sex is great. We are good at working on projects together, fixing cars together... I learned to stop bugging him about smoking pot aloud, even though I seceretly hate it. Because he just gets angry. So I learn to deal with the smell of sweet skunk weed and to taste in on his breath. He is an observant person and noticed that I spit when I kiss him so has taken to showering and brushing his teeth more. I just wish he didn't smoke weed and would stop but it seems like 90 percent of pot smokers for whatever reason, usually just keep on smoking pot, said my friend, a social worker. I can't imagine myself raising children with a pot smoking father. Also, he tunes me out sometimes when smoking. But I got really depressed when away from him.
DDA
3/9/2012 7:43:07 AM
If it's an issue now, it's going to be a bigger issue later, Chimera. Personally, I'd have a problem with someone who put the leaves of a plant before me. The choice is yours -- he quits or you're gone or you settle. Personally, I don't believe in settling.
LDA
3/15/2012 2:14:19 AM
My boyfriend of almost 5 years smokes everyday with his brother and father. I hate it, I cry all the time about it and he always tries to comfort me, but when I say "if you quit smoking pot, I wouldn't be crying all the time" he doesn't really respond or he says "why are you trying to change me, accept me for who I am". I KNOW this isn't who he is, he wasn't like this for the first 2 years. This has been a problem in our relationship for the past 3 years, and he has promised me that he will quit once he graduates college. Only 1 more year (4 year degree) until this addiction is hopefully going to be over. I am skeptical that he will quit when he graduates. He is a nice person, and has started to become interested in looking at engagement rings that I like, and always talks about a future family together. He knows I'm ready to settle down and I feel like I've been waiting, putting up with his pot addiction, and hoping for three years, that maybe waiting one more year wont be too bad. I also am getting older and if he doesn't quit at that time, I'm going to have to start from scratch with someone new, or hold my breath and continue like I have. Starting from scratch sounds frightening, but I don't want to be with an addict.. but I do love him
DDA
3/16/2012 1:00:00 AM
This section is for short comments only, LDA. Feel free to write in "Tell Me Your Story" and I'll do my best to help you.
Mj
4/15/2012 5:51:06 AM
To Chimera. This is exactly how my relationship started 12 years ago. Now my husband is an Engineer and an chronic marijuana user. If you just ignore it like i did it will not just go away. There is a serious problem here and I would advise that he seeks help now while it is in the beginning phase, before it is too far in. Trust me, living with an addict with two kids and trying to have a normal life is IMPOSSIBLE. Now i have to say goodbye to a man that once was my best friend. He is now so disturbed that I have to remove our small children inorder to protect their well-being from his smoke.
finallyfree
6/24/2012 4:08:51 AM
its so nice to visit such a real site, and be able to talk and share with people that are living or have lived the same thing as you. I just wanted to share an update, I wrote prob a year ago, I was married to a man for about 16 years, he smoked every day but was always going to stop when we had a baby, or when the baby was 1....3 kids later and many years he continued to smoke pot daily and started drinking daily, we now have had a restraining order on him for the last year and a half, I was granted full custody, he had all contact taken away for 6 months, then it was supervised visits once a week, and now unsupervised once a week for 3 hours. Sad to say but he has never gone a full 4 weeks with seeing his kids, he still drinks, smokes and lies. He has made a new group of friends that only know his side, which are all lies. He was my best friend and drugs and alcohol turned him into a dilusional man, who believes his own lies. The kids and I are so much better off with out himin our life but it is hard, I feel for the kids but he is sick. I tell the kids their dad loves them but is just sick and I am sorry. I have taken them to counseling, but they do not love going (they are now 18, 15, and 11) any suggestions?

DDA
7/3/2012 6:48:28 PM
Keep them in counseling, Finallyfree, as long as you feel they need it. They're getting to the age where they can start deciding when and where they want to go. A court will not force them to go to their dad's house, especially when their dad is breaking the law.
sspilker
7/8/2012 5:05:50 PM
I'm overwhelmed right now and confused as to what to do next. I'm a divorced 43 year old whose been in a relationship with a man for a year. 5 months ago I found out during an argument that he smoked pot and thought it was only occasional. He didn't elaborate on it much and it wasn't the main focus of the argument so to be honest we didn't go into it much. I've never touched pot, never been a heavy drinker, and this is hard for me because I started this relationship with him because he said he was at a place in his life where he wanted to make some serious changes and was wanting to have a family and settled down. He's lived like a bachelor for most of his 41 years, drinks hard with his family / brothers and friends. Before he met me he got drunk/puking at least 1x a week. Apparently he used to smoke weed 2-3 times a week and alone in his apartment. He's got all the classic symptoms and signs - lack of ambition, motivation, social skills only come out when he's drinking, he's held the same job for 20 years (freelancer) so it allows him to have a flexible lifestyle, he sleeps too much, he has financial troubles, and he's got nothing to show for his life. When I first met him, I had no idea he smoked pot and was already not impressed with his drinking habits. I have been up front with him and when we've had discussions he's backed off on the drinking and then the fight 5 months ago where he decided to go from smoking pot 2-3xs a week to 1-2xs a month. I guess my question to put out there is this - what are the statistics on chronic pot smokers actually really quitting...forever? I have already been married once and in all my relationships there is a pattern of some sort of abuse. I have been with this one for a year now and only found out today that he used to be a 2-3xs a week, smoke by myself pot smoker. I was devastated by this and as equally devastated to know that he still smokes 1-2xs a month. If you start smoking in college and grow up into adulthood into your 40's what are the real facts about someone changing? He's just taken the wind out of things for me. I can't think about having a future with him, let alone having a family with him now and on top of it I feel as if I don't really know him and I've wasted a year of my fertility with a man that wasn't up front in the beginning. so many red flags there, but i'm confused because he says he's motivated to change and has been since dating me for the past year. he's willing to go to treatment/counseling and to quit smoking pot all together. i just worry that whatever it is that motivates him to smoke will always be there and i'll be married and in the same boat in several years as most of the folks writing on this forum - regretting being a non-pot smoker who believed in a potential reforming chronic pot smoker and wanting out and needing divorce #2. please help shed some light on statistics, successful therapy/treatments and indications or success stories. I'm so depressed after reading this, but glad to know this now instead of further down the road.
DDA
7/17/2012 12:51:28 AM
Sspilker, this is for short comments only. Feel free to look within Success Stories for any that might be similar to yours. Your friend will quit ONLY if he WANTS to quit. There comes a point when you have to ask yourself if this is the right relationship for you. Also, NEVER marry someone with the hope or intention that they will change. Feel free to write to me in Tell Me Your Story for more information.
Ashley
9/8/2012 4:26:35 PM
I completely agree with Dr. Archer...Unfortunately i am going through the same thing right now with my husband, what makes it worse is that we have a 5 month old daughter together. He keeps saying he's going to quit, but i almost prefer he doesn't because of all the fights we would have if he did. He actually came home yesterday from work, acuising me of doing nothing all day and never playing with our daughter. He rides his bike 5 miles to and from work, and when i hear him coming up the stairs to our apartment i try to get to the door as fast as i can to unlock it, but he said as soon as he came in that he was out there for two minutes going up and down the stairs and pounding on the door. He convinces himself that things happen when they actually dont. we got into a huge argument with him pretty much calling me useless and a depressed and lazy and then he litterally forced me to sit down on the couch, when he gets like this he says he wants me to stand up for myself and stop being a pu**y, but even when i do stand up for myself he results to physical violence. he forced me to sit down after i said no to him telling me to and then he preceded to put his hand around my throat to hold me. then shortly after he comes out saying he wants a divorce and that he's not happy with me anymore, but as soon as he went and bought more weed and smoke it, he was fine. he wasn't yelling at me or anything, he just kept asking me what was wrong, which wouldn't it be quite obvious? he just told me he wants to get a divorce and to top it off he said he'd be taking our daughter. he doesn't even take care of her, im the one who changes her diapers, bathe her, fix her bottles, feed her, clean her up when she spits up, dress her everyday. he doesn't do any of it, and i never complain about it, it just breaks me when he says he's going to take the one thing i live for everyday. i love my husband to death, and i can't imagine life without him. i know its dramatic but i really can't live without him, and i definitely can't live without my daughter, she is everything to me, i carried her in my stomach for 9 months, i gave birth to her, i felt every kick and nudge of hers, we have a bond that my husband just can't grasp....but anyways, i don't know why im writing this...i guess i jsut needed to get it out...since i can't talk to anyone about it..
Kathy
10/9/2012 10:39:26 PM
I have been married to a pot-head for 16 years. I have been called every name in the book. I can't do anything right (his opinion) and I am fat and ugly.
I have decided I don;t need tis anymore. I am 55 years old and I don't want to live the rest of my life like this. I gave him a choice. It's me or the pot. So far he is choosing me. But let's see after a few days.
I do love him but I love myself more.
Unhappy
11/8/2012 4:04:21 PM
Wow I too am glad that I found this site because I'm also going through the same thing with my boyfriend of 18 years we have two children (2boys) together but we've never married. He also smokes marijuana daily and he's been doing it for a long time now I'd say for about 17 years and at first I had no idea but then I found out and asked him to stop but he wouldn't. When he smokes he's a totally different person he's kind, patient, loving, and understanding but than the next day he wakes up cranky, moody, nasty and in a bad mood toward me and the kids. You can't even ask him anything, he says he smokes because of me because I'm not easy to live with, he calls me names, puts me down, he's always out with his friends, he hates family get togethers and tries to keep me from visiting my family. He won't get a job, he barely helps out with the kids, he takes my car to go hangout and when I want some time to clear my head he won't give it to me. He says I'm too dramatic and I have no common sense and without him I'm nothing. I can't take it anymore I'm so depressed and I want to get out but I don't know where to start any suggestions thank you
DDA
11/10/2012 1:50:46 AM
Unhappy, this section is for short comments only. To answer your question completely, write to me in 'Tell Me Your Story' and I will address your issues.
At peace
11/23/2012 10:05:43 PM
I left my pot smoking husband over ten years ago. Hardest and best thing I ever did. Did not regret it for one second. Didn't think I could. Love of my life and all that. So happy now.
DDA
11/24/2012 11:47:28 PM
Glad to hear you had the strength to bring positive change to your life. I'm thrilled you're now at peace! All the best.
frustrated
12/4/2012 5:53:10 PM
My husband smoked when I met him but when we stared having kids he quit. Now after probably 13 years he started again. He has been hiding it from me (as if I didn't know...) and wouldn't admit it till I confronted him. His reason for hiding it was that he knew id be upset and he didn't want to make problems. Newsflash douchebag. You just created a lot of problems. He works hard to provide for me and the kids and I know he has a stressful job but smoking weed isn't the answer. He says it helps him relax and helps his back pain. He wants me to give him a chance to prove that it isn't going to interfere with our relationship and I just don't see how that is possible. Its a waste of money he falls asleep the second he gets home hides it and he acts like a Dick. I'm sure he doesn't notice any of this but I certainly do. I am at the point where I told him either be married and have kids or be a loser and smoke but he cant have both. His choice... some people say I should give him some slack and if he does it occasionally and does.t let it interfere with our life then it should be ok but I'm not willing to give in on this. If he cant be happy and function without it then he doesn't need to have me or his children around. Opinions?
jan
12/7/2012 6:59:57 PM
I have been married to a pot smoker for 40 years of my life. To all the people who are just starting out in married life to a pot smoker, my advise to them is LEAVE NOW. If I had to do it all over I would have left 40 yrs ago. It has been nothing but hell. Mood swings, fighting with neighbors he doesnt like, my three grown children hate him. He is verbally abusive to me and then will deny he said it. He has bought property without telling me and put us in financial distress He smokes in the bathroom every night for a couple of hours. I have asked him not to but he just yells at me to leave him alone. I would leave him but I am retired and financially cant leave. My life is lonely and miserable.
DDA
12/11/2012 4:18:16 PM
Jan, I'd like you to take your own advice. It's never too late until you take your last breath. Talk to an attorney -- the initial conference is usually free. You will not be left high and dry, Jan. Listen to her and take her advice. Your life could start becoming happy and bright today. Don't delay, and remember, YOU are in charge of your own life. Good luck!
cp
12/19/2012 9:42:38 PM
these comments have been really helpful to me. I ended my relationship with a relapsed pot smoker a few days ago. Of course he lied about his addiction in the beginning. I've already been through 2 failed relationships with pot smokers to know its something I didnt want. Why can't they leave me alone? Why cant they at least be honest at first so we can say 'no, I don't want that'? I'd say its something about me, but I suspect it has more to do with the entitled attitude, the 'nothing wrong with MY addiction, just those other people like alcoholics' just a backwards value system....add that to the list I'll forever avoid them and probably even now the 'occasional' users. Too risky for me, I've been too hurt by too many recreational pot users in my life including my brother who had to move thousands of miles away to get away from his friends when he quit. At least he actually did quit. Thanks for all the comments I see my experience was not in my head (as the average pot smoker thinks, who believes his addiction hurts no one). total emotional manipulation and emotional unavailability.
Lissa
12/22/2012 2:59:09 PM
I'm sitting here crying over reading all these posts. I can't believe how many other people have been thru this like I. I can honestly see that it is not me, i'm not the horrible person he has made me out to be, i'm not the nag, i'm not psychotic. I left my husband of 14 yrs. 1 month ago. I left everything accept for my clothes and a few persnol items. I could not take the lies, the attitude and abuse one more day. It was the hardest decision of my life and sure there are days i wish things could have been different, but i know i had to do this for my own sanity. When i met my husband, i let him know where i stood about pot. If he was a pot smoker, i didn't want anything to do with him. He assured me he wasn't. HA, BIG LIE! Started to become suspicious when i noticed all his friends smoked dope and were quiet open about it. Then found a bag in his car on the floor while we were getting in it with our kids. Of course it was someone elses. All the signs were there, but wanted to believe him. Did get married and then found paraphinalea around our house. This happened at least 5 different times. Each time he assured me he'd quit. One time he blamed my daughter and I drug tested her, only to find out it really was his and of course her test was negative. He gets the dope at work and smokes it to and from work and recently has been smoking it in our home. On my 50th birthday morning, i woke up to find a pipe with dope in it half smoked on my coffee table. He actally had the balls to look for it, i then confonted him on it and asked if it was more important than our marriage, and his answer was "YES". The end for me. Last Janurary his 22 yr. old daughter came to live with us due to her boyfriend throwing her out and her mother not wanting anything to do with her because of mental health issue which has also caused alot of strain on our marriage also. This is his excuse for smoking also. From the time this kid moved in, he has done NOTHING to help with her issues. She doesn't have a license, has a drinking (hard stuff) problem, lazy, doesn't pay anything to live there, expects us to pay for everything for her, doesn't bathe, has eaten every ounce of food in our home, goes out and doesn't come home, lies about boys she goes out with (their age), which only last 1 or 2 dates and their different guys every 2 weeks, provided alcohol to a minor in our home while we were sleeping and had no idea who,or how this kid got to our home (came at 10:30pm and was still here at 5:30am). This is just some of the issues i've dealt with for 11 months and then finding out he's still smoking was the last straw for me. People are right, it will not change! As far as talking with his family, his brother and sister also smoke which is their choice and i don't have to live with that, but his mother on the other hand, I can't tell her about it. 3 yrs. ago at christmas i did tell her about it because we are pretty close and she talked to him and told him he had to quit. He said ok, but hasn't. I don't want to upset is 82 yr. old mother, I'd rather just let her think he quit and whatever he tells her about us is fine with me. I loved her like my own mother. So, to everyone who is going thru this type of situation, I truly understand and my heart goes out to you. To the smokers out there, please, please, please, think about the pain you are causing the people you love. We don't want to leave you, family or everything we've cherished for years, but we must remain sane and healthy!! Think long and hard before lighting up the next time, is it really worth it?
Endroit
12/24/2012 5:08:01 AM
Once again I am in the process of setting my son up. He is 29 years old now. He earned an associates degree in a two year program in May 2012 (Electrical Engineering Technology) in Massachusetts. He is severely dyslexic. Here in California, the local university requires him to be retested because his test records are over five years old. The counselor says he will most likely qualify for the Disabled Students Program and has conditional admission for the 2013 - 2014 school year.

I plan to get him a studio apartment. He should have his own place. This coming semester, he might have to attend the local junior college to undergo disability testing while enrolled in whatever courses may need to qualify for admission. However, I am also looking into private testing. I hope financial aid and student loans will become available to him. I also hope he will apply for Social Security Disability and State Rehabilitation Services.

He uses marijuana. He is a staunch believer and advocate of it. I believe he began at age 13.

My son is always stoned. He is occasionally verbally abusive, irritable, controlling, and unpredictably moody. He is like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Most recently, I have begun to feel disgusted when he is euphoric, wide eyed, and babbling nonsensically about the most trivial things. He explodes when I broach any subject pertaining to his future plans, things I know he needs to do to enroll in school, or get a job. He let his driver's license expire. He has no valid govt. ID. He is angry because I do not allow him to drive my car. He brought bums into the house when I was not home. I had cataract surgery and was away from home for a few days this month. These are his friends who also use marijuana, have no job, and/or receive SSI for mental illness.

I have paid housing, food, tuition and books at many schools and colleges for him over the years. He even enrolled in Ho Chi Minh University in Vietnam! I sent him to Denmark and Guatemala to study.

I am 70 years old. This is my youngest child of four. I raised them as a working, divorced, single parent. I plan to run away, far away to Cambodia, in March 2013. I been having fun. I took two courses in oil painting last year. This year I completed Beginning French.

The rest of my family will have nothing to do with him. They are fed up, but still worry about him. They think I need counseling/therapy to deal with this relationship. I don't want any therapy. I already devised a guilt-free plan that I can live with.

At least he didn't get any one pregnant yet! He can write to me. I wish him a healthy, happy, long, successful life. I'm out of here.
Adrian Evergreen
1/25/2013 8:49:47 PM
The all lie. My experience with Stoners is that they always want both the partner and the dope. And get distressed when they are left alone. I do not believe for one second all the stoner crap about it being harmless. My partner was a chronic dope smoker when we met on the net,but oh! Forgot to mention that he needed it 5 times a day.

Bragged on about he was clean- and he was for a year-then caught him red handed when I forgot my wallet. He promised that he would give it up and I went mental with suspicion.

So I told him that if he wanted to do it I didn't care,and let the dog off the leash.

Got so bad that I said enough and left. But like all the others want to come back.

Well..no. Hate the fact that I enabled him. Hate the fact that it changed him. And hate the fact that he put it over me.

And you know what's the best thing? No more knots in the stomach.
stonerloner
2/5/2013 1:00:43 PM
While, I agree with many things that the wife has said, as well as many things Dr. Archer has said in this article, I want to know why it is such a big deal that an extremely successful person enjoys smoking pot? Nobody gets torn to pieces for smoking cigarettes or for having drinks after work, so why pot? And do you think if the wife didn't nag about the breadwinner smoking pot, would he still react in such a hostile manner? Because although a woman, I have been on her husband's side. And after busting my ass and kissing everyone else's ass all day, if I feel like smoking pot and someone is going to have the nerve to talk shit to me about it, I am going to go crazy. I do think he might have some mental problems, which could be better assisted with psychiatric help and possibly other medication. However, being a stoner is not the end of the world. My advice would be to talk to your husband about not necessarily quitting marijuana, but going ALONE to a psychiatrist to find a more functionable all-day solution to his mental health. It can become a major interference if he needs to medicate with medical marijuana all day, so it's best to find some other alternative for that. Yet, if the man wants to come home and blaze after working all day, let him be. I guarantee that will improve the relationship for both parties. Everyone is addicted to something, whether you want to believe it or not, so you pick your battles. Love is about acceptance, compromise, tolerance, peace.... Don't make life harder than it already is.
tryingagain
2/12/2013 1:56:27 AM
I was really relieved to read that I am not the only wife going through this! I am back with my husband for the second time and it has been about three months. I really thought he had things sorted out this time. When we were first together seven years ago he smoked pot as did I. Then I slow stopped smoking it. We got pregnant with our daughter and I thought he would stop or at least slow down with the pot use but that didn't happen. We lived in a small town and I was left at home most nights so he could go see his friends staright from work..thats how I spent most of my pregnancy. We got married a year and a half after our daughter was born. I really didn't think it was too much of an issue until I discovered him waking up in the middle of the night to smoke it. I left him for three years and now I've been back for three months and the garbage is starting again! I can't leave for an evening (to work or see friends) I come home and he is stoned every time...with our daughter in the house! I'm starting to feel like a shitty mom because I don't think it is right to do that stuff when you have your kids around. I came home from working tonight (late) and there are two chairs on our porch from him having a friend over to get high. I'm lost! I love him but this is not a healthy relationship as it is.
Whichway?
2/21/2013 7:40:06 PM
I'm in the grips of a roller coaster ride.
My boyfriend of 8 years is a heavy long term smoker. Smokes nights which keeps us very separate.
The problems aren't whn he's stoned, it's when he's not ! Or when he drinks.

I've tried to leave a few times over the years, this time being the most determined to put an end to the craziness.
Now that he knows the seriousness of the situation , he has said he needs help, talk to a professional re drugs, anger, deep seeded issues from earlier life.

Has anyone been in this back and forth ?
I do love and care for him, I always have...do I step back and give him the opportunity to step up so we can move forward to a future together...
DDA
2/22/2013 1:39:58 AM
Whichway?, if you want a detailed answer, write to me in 'Tell Me Your Story'. I will say this, however: If you've put up with this for 8 years and he says he's ready to change, why not give him a chance to put his money where his mouth is? If you love him, let him prove himself. If you want out, then by all means, leave.
Fiancé
3/21/2013 6:12:21 AM
I've been with my fiancé for 8 months. We are not currently living together but are looking to buy a house and move in together sometime before or after the wedding. I knew he smoked pot about a month after we were dating, but didn't think anything of it. I have smoked before, probably a couple times a year. He also told me he watches some porn and I didnt care about that either. Dating him I started smoking with him once in awhile. After about 4 months of dating he told me he smokes pot a lot, like every night the past 10 years. He says it helps him sleep and calms his anxiety. He also told me be watches a lot if porn, every day for hours at a time, the past 10 years. None of this changed my mind about him as a person as I love him very much. He is an amazing man who is intelligent, funny, caring and respectful. My family loves him and his family loved me. The week he proposed to me is when I realized he was a porn addict. He is 32 and and has experienced ED for the past 7 years. I began noticing he preferred watching porn over being with me. I researched online and realized this was a widespread issue with today's men having such easy acces to Internet porn. When I brought it up to him and showed him what I found, how pint was most likely the cause of his ED and anxiety he wanted to quit immediately. We have now abstained from anything sexual for almost 2 months as he is re-wiring his brain. I'm supportive and grateful for his positive attitude to change for the better. During this tube however, I'm noticing how dependent he is on weed. He is starting to smoke in the afternoon and at night on weekends. I srarted smoking a lot with him tge past couple months, a few times a week at night. Now I'm realizing this is not the healthy path I want and am spending more time around him when he smokes but I don't. He has gained a lot weight, mostly in his stomache. When he's stoned he doesn't make sense making it difficult to have a conversation with him. His eyes are all red and squinty and appears disheveled. We are talking a lot about having kids as soon as we get married. I'm worried about moving in with him and having to see him stoned every night. I'm also worried of we have kids I don't want drugs in the house or him caring for our child stoned, it God forbid smoking around our baby. I'm worried he is so unhealthy with all this pot smoking. It can't be good for his lungs or heart, and he's definitely overweight. I'm also scared to bring this up to him as he's aready quitting for porn. We are going to start marriage counseling soon before the wedding so I'm hoping that would be a good time to discuss fears and concerns.
DDA:
3/21/2013 11:36:06 AM
Good. Remember this, Fiancé: what occurs before the marriage will only intensify afterwards. There are many letters from wives regarding their pot-smoking husbands. I suggest you read, learn and think logically before making a final decision.
amom2
4/2/2013 10:16:36 PM
Fiance, I'm in a heartbreaking marriage that involves alcohol, pot (my husband just told me tonight he got his medical marijuana card, unbeknownst to me), porn, and overspending. The more I stand up to it, the more secretive he tries to get. I've been married for 27 years, have 2 kids and they've seen it all. My husband is a good man, tormented by addictions that he thinks are no big deal. I've never given up on him, but have only recently stood up to the addictions. He told me tonight that I was the crazy one. Love yourself enough to love him from a distance. My heart breaks for you, but an addict is an addict, and are subject to be addicted to one thing, then another, and another. They desperately Need help, but don't realize it. My heart is broken, mainly for my kids.
MLWsdaughter
4/17/2013 6:42:34 PM
I have read some comments here. Let ME chime in. I married a man who I knew "smoked" but I was told it was only a few times a YEAR. OK, I could live with that....he said he smoked when he was over to his friends house to play cards/watch sports. But, he hid a raging addiction from me until after we were married. It's 7 years into the marriage and I am to the point I can't stand him and I really don't like him at all. Plus, the FUN SIDE of his addiction? It makes him sick to his stomach (chronic gastritis) and this could lead to cancer if he does not STOP and let his stomach heal. He is in his 60's! Yes, I said 60's.....and he has got to be one of the most clueless men on the face of the planet. I have realized I can no longer "help him" and I no longer even try. Marriage? That's over......we live together and I have my own room and he has his. When I get enough money together I am leaving. I am tired of him, his games, his always lying to me and thinking I am so dumb I don't know. I am just tired. Oddly enough through all of this my self esteem has risen to new levels. I feel good about who I am but I am not happy in my living situation but am biding my time. I feel so sorry for those of you who are dealing with this and you have children. God bless ya!!
Seannastears
4/24/2013 12:57:16 AM
I have been with my hubby 20 years, married 17. We have a fantastic 16 yrs old son. Most of our years have been wonderful. About 12 of our years together we both smoked pot. I have stoppped for a few years and started again thinking i could just do it once in a while. Ya that doesnt really work. i have had depression since my son was born and in the last 3 years can't find a happy place. I've switched meds 3 times as having suicidal thoughts and overall hard time coping with my depression. . I recently read an article about how pot and depression contradict each other. The thc releases serotonin and the meds are trying to balance serotonin. They cant balance with pot intake.
And when you smoke pot you 'numb' issues/feelings/opinion and don't deal with them. These problems dont go away, just hide and build Up.
Our son came out and asked us 3 months ago if we smoked pot. Honestly it was amazing he never knew before. We never did it in front of him but were always taking turns going to the garage. He told us he tried it with some friends and liked it. My heart broke into a million pieces. My worst nightmare came true. If quitting pot for my own mental health wasn't reason enough to quit, this was. I have not smoked for 5 weeks. Cold turkey , done. I told my husband we have to both quit to show him its not ok to do it. But although he wants to he isn't ready to quit. So now I live in my home with both of them smoking (hubby throughout the day and son on weekends with friends). I am focusing on my mental health so I can be strong enough to save my loved ones. But it is really difficult to stay off. I find myself feeling resentful.... I wish they could understand how important this is and quit too.
I'll be making an appointment with a psycologist for help, I know I can't do this alone.
My point is that as parents we need to open our eyes, come out of the pot fog to realize what we are teaching our kids. It is not ok to smoke pot.
Chloe
4/30/2013 9:31:48 AM
My husband smoked pot once a day to "relax" and I was fed up with spending my evenings with him being high, giddy and silly and saying incoherent things that made no sense. He blamed it all on me, of course. He said that if only I would try pot, I would see how wonderful it is. He said that marijuana had made him who he was. It was all insane, but you can't reason with someone whose brain chemistry is altered by drug use. They rationalize the most ridiculous behaviors and find every way they can to justify their drug abuse. My husband finally said that he would stop smoking pot if I stop eating candy, which I was doing very little of anyway. I explained that there is no comparison, but he insisted. So I thought, OK, he is sick, the addiction has distorted his thinking and his reasoning powers, and I agreed not to eat candy. He then got rid of all his marijuana and pipes for it, etc. He should have stopped smoking pot because it could have ended our marriage, but he said no, I had to give up something if he was going to give up pot. This is an example of how insane and irrational marijuana makes a user. But you can't argue with these people because what seems as plain as day to someone who is sober all the time makes no sense to an addict. I would be interested in knowing if anyone else out there decided to humor their addict/spouse and made some ridiculous deal with them that was rational only to the abuser.
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